A Post that Was Difficult to Write

As open as I try to be there are still things that I hide from even my closest friends. I do not talk about them about my questions concerning faith. I keep my lack of emotional reaction to some devastating events hidden. I know that I need to deal with some things. It scares me sometimes how cold my heart can be. I am afraid of falling in love with my closest friends, but at the same I can feel completely indifferent towards other people. I rarely have any contact with my family. I do not make any effort to communicate with them. Part of that is because they do not accept me as I am. I don't know how I would react if there was a death in my family. I feel completely detached from them. I don't know how many cousins I have who are still living. Actually I have never known how many cousins I have had. As you can see I need to work on some issues.

"A Game of Thrones:" Book One of "'A Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R. Martin

This morning I finished reading A Game of Thrones: Book One of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I look forward to reading the other books in the series. (I have heard of George R.R. Martin for quite a few years, but I have not read any of his books. There is no particular reason for which I have not read any of his books other than not being able to read the books of every author. One of my closest friends told me to read the series, and everybody who reads this blog regularly knows that I enjoy being obedient to a select few.Sex is not necessary for me to enjoy being obedient to these men.) This book has engaging story lines. The characters are intriguing. Some of the characters are very likable, and some are despicable. One cares about what happens to the characters, and the reader wants to know how situations are resolved. At no point during the reading of this book was I bored. I may read other books between the volumes of the series, but I plan on reading all of the books.

"The Long Road out of Hell" by Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss

On the cover of The Long Road out of Hell it says that the book was written by Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss. I wonder how much was written by Marilyn Manson and how much was written by Neil Strauss. It is an entertaining book. It did not take me long to finish it. In ways I can relate with Marilyn Manson, but I don't think that I could take the self mutilation as far as he has. I do not know if I would want to attend a Marilyn Manson concert. I can understand him more after reading about his father and grandfather. I enjoy listening to his music, but I am not sure if I would want to meet him in person. He appears to be a well-read person. I definitely do not find him sexually attractive. I do not know how much he has changed since this book was published in 1999, but I am more interested in his music than I am his personality.

More Childhood Memories of Movies that I Loathed

I was reminded recently of movies that I hated as a child, "Mary Poppins", "The Sound of Music" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." I think that I hated most musicals, especially the ones that were extremely sweet. I don't think I ever watched "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" in its entirety. The only musical that I remember liking as a child was one that was based on Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A teacher had asked my class to watch that one on TV. The following she asked how many people liked it. I was the only one in the class who did. It was scary to raise my hand when no one else raised their hands, but I did it anyway. I do not think that I could watch those films that I loathed so much as a child. As a child I preferred things that were more offbeat.

Tired of Being Depressed

I'm tired of being depressed. People tell me that there is no reason to be depressed. I wish I could just stop feeling depressed, but I can't. Part of the cause for the depression is chemical. Medications that may cause depression in some people usually cause me to be depressed. Being around friends and eating enough help, but there is always an underlying depression. Logical decisions become difficult. It becomes hard to focus on anything other than the feeling depressed. Some days just refraining from committing suicide is difficult. I definitely do not plan on killing myself, but I do think about it. I am not going to give up. On Thursday I will see a neurologist concerning my medication. I am doing everything that I can to fight this depression.

"The Fireman" by Joe Hill

The Fireman by Joe Hill starts well, but it becomes tedious. Joe Hill is the son of Stephen King, and part of the main theme, a spore that is causing people to burst into flames after they appear to have black and gold tattoos. Too many people are compared to celebrities and characters from film and fiction. It seems like the author was too lazy to come up with original characters. The book is much too long. It is 747 pages. There are books that are this long that keep one's interest. This is not one of those books. I wanted to see how the story ended, and I was disappointed. This is one of the least original books that I have ever read.

Brief Post About Feelings

Sometimes my feelings are in extremes. Either I love people strongly or I am indifferent to them. I can go from loving someone to feeling indifferent about them if they hurt me intentionally. There have been times when everyone around me are deeply affected by an event, and I am completely unmoved. I do not think that I would intentionally hurt anyone, but it scares me that the seed for that possibility is within me. I want to focus on doing good for the people whom I love.  I do anything that I can for these people. It makes me feel good to make the people whom I love feel good. I enjoy pleasing men sexually, but I also enjoy doing pleasing people in other ways even when there is little possibility of my getting their cocks in my mouth. I just have to be careful not to hurt anyone after my feelings toward them have become ice cold.