more thoughts

In certain situations I have been known to make people uncomfortable, not sexually but in other ways. When I was coming out my roommate would sometimes make anti-gay remarks. I think he was probably a bigger queen than I was. I got tired of his shit. Sometimes I would blow him a kiss as he was leaving the room. He would always overreact. I would also do other things  in other areas to torment him. Sometimes I would sit on a small shelf that was between the windows in our room. He had a hard time dealing with anything out of the "norm" and I have never tried to fit in. He was an easy target. At the end of the school year he wanted to be my roommate the following year, but I was moving into another dorm. I enjoy making stiff, conservative aware that their points of view are not the only ones. In a class we read a story about a man with a double life. He was having an affair and at the same time he was married with children. In class I said that we all live double lives, because we all have things in our private lives that we hide from other people. I remember that others in the class were shocked by my statement. I enjoy making idiots think, although they may be allergic to doing that. Some people have been made uncomfortable by things on my t-shirts, but I do not choose clothing in order to do that. I do not give a fuck what most people think about my attire.

thoughts

The thing that I want most for my friends, especially my closest friends, is that they feel good for themselves. I do not want to lose any friends, but I would prefer to lose a friend than for them to feel bad about themselves. As for those who are not friends or part of my family I don't give a fuck. I would not want a friend to do something sexual or other with or for me that would make him feel uncomfortable. I would not want me to do anything for him that would make him uncomfortable. Mutual consent and respect are very important to me.

Sometimes the idea that I would do certain things for a friend if he wants but only if he wants along with the idea that he knows that I would do that thing can be enough. This can be an issue of trust. There are few men whom I would I tell that I would do anything that I can or them. There is a friend who knows what power he could have over me, but he does not abuse that power. It would not be good for us to do anything sexual together, because he is heterosexual and he does not want tht to happen. What I enjoy most about our friendship is that I can talk with him about things I cannot discuss with anyone else.

I miss my best friend. I see him twice a week. Soon I won't be able to see him that often. We are going to keep in touch. He keeps me going. He has helped more than he knows. I want to be around for him when he gets out of prison. I want to continue to be a support for him and anythings that he wants or needs for me to do for him.

"The Hidden Life of Dogs" by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas

The Hidden Life of Dogs by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is a wonderful book about dogs. It is unlike most books on the subject. It gives an intimate portrait of them. Several times while reading the book I had tears in my eyes. I was educated, entertained and moved by this book. I had a hard time putting it down. I was just going to read the beginning of the book and finish reading after reading the two other books that I am reading. I was drawn in by this book. I was reminded of dogs I have known. This is a book that I highly recommend. I would write more, but anything I wrote would fall short of describing the wonder of this tome. Find it and read it if you can.

musings

Sometimes I wish I was not so literal minded. I would like to be able to use figurative speech. When I hear someone talking about the sun coming out I know what they mean, but I still think about the literal meaning. I know that when people say that they hope that the sun will shine that they are not speaking literally. I do speak of the sun rising and setting, but in the back of my mind I am thinking that is does neither. (Yes, I am aware that I used figurative speech there. Where is the back of the mind?) I am embarrassed that I think so literally most of the time. I want to learn to appreciate more figurative language in everyday speech.

The Harlan Ellison Hornbook

The Harlan Ellison Hornbook is a collection of essays that were mostly written from 1972 to 1977. They appeared in three periodicals. They deal with his personal life, music, movies, television, books, comic books, restaurants, etc. There is commentary that updates some of the information. Harlan Ellison is mostly remembered for being obnoxious. Most people who remember him forget that he was supportive of those close to him and of those with talent. In the book there are more recent essays on Lenny Bruce, the Sixties and comic books. He spoke highly of Edward Gorey and David Sim. I enjoy the work of both of them. He wrote about some of the independent comic books that I enjoyed during the eighties. I disagree with a few things that he wrote, but I agree with most of what he wrote. He also wrote favorably of Frank Miller and Bill Sinkiewicz. He also wrote good things about The Fish Police, Cerebus the Aardvark, Groo the Wanderer and Love and Rockets. These were among the comic books I enjoyed. Harlan Ellison never fails to entertain.

Update 24/7/2018 Dealing with Depression

I am struggling with depression most of the time. I have been sleeping too much. I am going to work on getting in a better situation. I don't want to move back into a homeless shelter, because my book bag would be searched every time I went in at night. I keep contraband in my bag. I am not ready to give up some things. I will find a place to live. I wish I could see my best friend more than twice each week. Soon I won't be able to see him that often. Knowing that we will be back together again some day keeps me going. talking to his mom on the phone helps too. I spend most of my time alone. When I am alone too much I tend to focus too much on what I have said or done wrong. The people who I thought were my friends seem to be ignoring me. I need to focus more on knowing that I have an awesome best friend. I will continue to do anything that I can for him. If "friends" abandon me because I do not give them money it is their loss. My current situation is not permanent. I will be glad when I am able to take bathe and wash clothes somewhere besides in a creek. Things will get better.

More on Panhandling

Evangelizing Christians often assume that people who are homeless need to be "saved" in the religious sense of the word. Do they forget that according to the Bible Jesus was homeless during His ministry? Some of these people talk to me, but they refuse to listen to anything that I have to say. There are still people who have plated that say "WWJD" (What would Jesus do?) on their cars. If their actions of these people reflect their thoughts they think that Jesus would ignore those in need. There are a lot of people who gladly give money, food, water, other drinks, etc. I have also received cigarettes, beer and other things. I have seen people who were close to tears. I try to make them feel better. I do not want anyone to feel bad because they cannot give money. I would not have thought that I would enjoy panhandling, but much of the time I do enjoy it.