Often I Strongly Reject Things that I Come to Enjoy Very Much

Often I initially dislike things that I eventually come to enjoy very much. I remember when I first heard the music of Blondie in 1979 I really did not like it. They had released a few albums by the that time, but I really had not heard them until I was visiting Scotland. As I was exposed to more of their music I came to love their music. The first time I heard Lou Reed was when I saw a music video he did for his song "Women." I did not like him at all. I did not hear him again until I listened to the Velvet Underground's first album that they did with Nico and was produced by Andy Warhol. Eventually I heard his solo work, and he eventually became one of my favorite singers. At first I was not interested in the writing of Gertrude Stein, but gradually I came to be very fond of her various styles. As with the general public when she was alive, I came to appreciate her writing first by reading The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. I saw Pat Carroll perform Gertrude Stein Gertrude Stein  Gertrude Stein and that was what really moved me to look at her writing again. Now she is one of my favorite writers. Initially I was not at all interested in the punk music scene, but I became interested in the scene and the music through the music of the Sex Pistols and the Dead Kennedys I became a punk. So now if I have as strong reaction against something I do not automatically reject it, but I wait a period of time before reaching a decision about whether or not it is something I can enjoy.

Le Sacre du printemps and other 20th century compositions

I am listening to "Le sacre du printemps" by Igor Stravinsky. It is one of my favorite compositions. It stirs me within. I find it difficult to sit still and listen to it. I find it hard to believe that there was so strong reaction against it and Nijinsky's choreography when it was first performed in 1913. Part of that is because I am looking back to that event. It was unlike anything that had been done in dance up to that time. From what I read about it a lot of time was spent just teaching the dancers to count the rhythms. There are constant time signature changes. There are few composers whose music touches me on as deep a level as the music of Stravinsky does. Most of the composers whose music stirs me so much are Russian, Polish, Czech, Hungarian or Austrian. Some of the music of Schönberg is still almost as shocking as it was when he composed them, even the pieces he composed over one hundred years ago. I am very fond of "Pierrot Lunaire," and it is hard to believe that it is over a century old. Some people would still find it avant-garde if it were composed today. The opera "Wozzeck" by Alban Berg is very powerful both musically and thematically. It was based on a play from the Nineteenth Century, Woyzeck. It deals with a simple-minded man who is exploited by people in authority. The opera was one of the compositions, along with those of Stravinsky, Shostakovich, Prokofiev, Penderecki and George Crumb, that got me interested in Twentieth Century music. This music still live in me.

Horem Pádem - Up and Down and a Dream about "Přítel"

"Horem Pádem" ("Up and Down") is a very interesting film by Jan Hřebejk. The English title fits the film, because in the movie there is a battery-operated toy that is the figure of a woman in a bathing suit doing sit-ups. Her motions are accompanied by the phrase "Up and down" in English. The film deals with immigration and racism, and it shows how international some issues are. It opens with immigrants being smuggled into the Czech Republic in the back of a truck. When they are left on a roadside a baby is accidentally left on the truck. There is a woman who wants very badly to have a baby, but she is unable to have one of her own. At one point she tries to take someone else's baby. Her husband is a security guard. He wants to be a police officer, but he cannot do that because of a police record. He is on probation. It is not clear what he is on probation, but it has something to do with unruly behavior as a soccer fan. He is involved with some skinhead soccer fans. His wife buys the baby that had been left on the truck. The baby has dark skin. There is also a complicated family situation within a Czech family. A professor collapses while giving a lecture on "Migration, emigration and immigration." He wants to see his son who has emigrated to Australia, and he wants to divorce his wife. They have been separated for twenty years. He has a daughter with a woman with whom he has been living. His daughter does not know about the existence of her half brother or his mother until they are mentioned when her father is in the hospital. It turns out that her mother had been her half brothers girlfriend until he emigrated, and she became involved with his father. The racial issues and the issues of immigration could easily take place in the United States or in any other country. There are scenes that remind me of my six-week visit to Prague and how much I want to return there for at least a visit. I wish I could get a soundtrack from this movie. It has great music.

Last night I had a dream about the Czech word "přítel." I was trying to remember the vocative form of the word. it seems that if I go very long without some contact with the Czech or Slovak languages I dream about some aspect of the language.

I Miss Human Interaction, but My Depression Is Usually Caused by My not Eating Enough

What I miss most now is having friends with whom I can talk openly without fearing that I will offend them or start an argument. I would like to have a man with whom I could have sec, but conversation is the intercourse that I miss most. It would be nice to find someone with whom I could have sex and a variety of conversations. I wouldn't say no to a hard cock, but if I had to choose between having a relaxed conversation with laughter and sucking a hard cock I would choose the relaxed conversation. I do miss physical contact, not just sex but also cuddling and kissing. I would love to be able to live somewhere that I could walk down the street with a man I love and to have a man who would want to do that with me. It makes no sense to me that in most places in this country two men walking hand in hand or kissing or showing affection is seen as a radical act. In some places two men who kiss in public face the possibility of being assaulted. Some people object more to seeing two men kissing in public than they do to two men beating the shit out of each other. That's fucked up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy MMA. I am just saying that public displays of affection between two men or two women should not be seen as a radical act but as acceptable as displays of affection between a man and a woman.

I am lonely, but usually if I get depressed it is usually from not eating enough or not eating the right foods. I miss being able to pleasure a man, but that is not going to make me depressed. I definitely could use contact with friends, but knowing I have friends helps me. My depression usually has a physiological cause. It can become a downward spiral. I get down. Then I don't eat enough. Not eating enough makes me depressed. Eventually I start eating again, and I feel better. The right music can help with that too as long as I eat. I do want human interaction. We all need human contact. For the meantime chatting online, my right hand, some porn and my imagination will suffice.

Starting the Day with Bartók Béla, Gogol Bordello and Planning on Not Putting up With Shit

I need to hear Gogol Bordello this morning. I wish I had time to listen to them and more of Bartók Béla. I was listening to the latter when I thought of the former. The reason for this connection was that Eugene Hutz had considered naming had considered naming the band after Bartók, but he did not think that many people would know who he was. I don't think many people know who Gogol was either. I am more familiar with the music of Bartók than I am with the writing of Gogol. Anyway the music of Gogol Bordello puts me in the mood for the type of work I do. This is especially true of "Immigraniada (We Comin' Rougher)." I had one job where I was paid "under the table." I was working with a friend, and we took over the job from a couple of undocumented immigrants. For obvious reasons I won't go into detail about that. It did help me to relate with immigrants to this country. I do not want to fit in too much in this country if it means conforming to behavior that does not fit my personality. I want so much to go back to Prague and immerse myself more in the culture there. I want some toasties, cod livers, steak tartar, real Czech beer and some Czech cock.

I would like to spend some time in Hungary. Bartók Béla is one of my favorite composers. I love the harmonies of his music. I know very little of the Magyar language, but I would be willing to learn. I only have one Hungarian film, "Kontroll." The harmonies of the music from there touches something in my soul and moves me greatly.

In regards to Gogol, he wrote one of my favorite stories, "The Nose." One of my favorite operas was based on that story. It was by another of my favorite composers, Shostakovich.

I need to go to work now, but I am in the proper mood not to put up with any shit.

My Current Reading List

The next books on my reading list are In Defense of Lost Causes by Slavoj Žižek and Problogger: Secrets for Blogging Your Way to a Six-Figure Income by Darren Rowse and Chris Garrett. I am still gradually reading The Making of Americans by Gertrude Stein. I think that is the best way to read it, because she spoke and wrote frequently about gradually writing the book. I seriously doubt that I will make money from my blog, but the book I am planning on reading may give me some ideas. I do not know if I ramble too much and lose my readers. I am not questioning the intelligence of those reading this. I am just not sure how my ramblings come across to other people. I think of when I heard Timothy Leary giving a lecture on computers and time travel. He did make some good points, but he did ramble a lot. I hope that my writing is more intelligible than his lecture was. There are a few more books by Slavoj Žižek that I want to read eventually. I do not agree with everything he has written, but he inspires me to think. I get excited by the stimulation that my intellect receives by reading his writing. I would like to be able to read some of his writing in other languages. I think I would feel intimidated intellectually if I met him in person, but that is not something I have to worry about. I also plan on rereading Myra Breckinridge by Gore Vidal. It has been too long since I read it. Gore Vidal is another of my favorite writers. I will probably continuously reread Tucker Max too. I want to keep my brain and sense of humor active.

15: Film by Royston Tan

"15" is an interesting, heartbreaking film from Singapore in Mandarin. The title comes from the age of the main characters. There is a mix of narrative styles that bring to mind music videos, anime, video games, etc. The characters cling to each other, because they feel marginalized by the society in which they live. They also resort to drug use, alcohol and violence. The issue of teen suicide is dealt with. The characters are tender with each other, but there is a limit to how close they will get to each other. Sometimes they lash out at others they see as looking at them judgmentally. There is an overwhelming feeling of despair. There is humor that is always tinged some with sadness. There is a scene where two of the characters go around Singapore with a blow-up sex doll. This scene seems to reflect their lack of connection with the society around them. It is a well made movie that leaves me with a feeling of sadness.