"Dirty White Boys" by Stephen Hunter

Dirty White Boys, by Stephen Hunter, was published in 1994. It has an entertaining beginning, but it loses its way. Things became too predictable. Some of the characters are interesting, but there is too much emphasis put on one of the main characters having a big dick. The turns in the plot are usually unbelievable or too blatant. Issues are resolved too easily and too suddenly in places. Some of the characters are just types not well-rounded characters. The book could have been shorter without losing anything. It would have made things a little more interesting if at least one of the main characters had been gay. I wouldn't expect anything earthshaking from this book. It does have fun sections, but mostly they are at the beginning of the novel. They become rarer as the book continues. If you don't have any other books to read it provides a way to pass time.

Court Cases

I went to court recently. The case was continued. I have another charge to face in court next month. I hope that I can have the same public defender for both cases. The charge that is continued is for possession of drug paraphernalia. I was in a car with friends when we were pulled over. It could not be proven that I owned the items I claimed to own. I did not want to cause unnecessary problems for my friends. I was searched, but the police officer did not notice the item that I had in my pocket. The other charge is for shoplifting. I was depressed, and I took unnecessary risks by boosting in a store two days in a row. The adrenaline rush lifted my mood. I know that there are better ways to get out of a depressed mood, but they are not as much fun. I do not steal from friends, but I am still tempted to shoplift. I have not been doing it lately, and I probably won't unless certain friends ask me to do it. It is funny that I started breaking the law more at the age of 58.

"The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout, PhD

The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us is an interesting books, but it is lacking in ways. The author says that four per cent of the population is sociopathic. She repeats this point too often in the book. The main characteristic of the sociopath is the lack of a conscience. I am relieved to learn that I am not a sociopath. According to Dr. Stout sociopaths often become addicts. She does not seem aware that often people who are heavily addicted to drugs often do things they would not do if they were not addicts. We might feel guilty doing some things in some circumstances that we might not do in others. I know that I am not the only one who might not feel guilty about stealing from a corporation but would feel guilty about stealing from a person. My conscience is stronger when I am dealing with people I love. It can be almost absent when I deal some others. There is nothing that deals with possibilities in the book. Se paints too many things as being black or white. She also focuses too much on heterosexuals. I did learn some things from the book. It is entertaining. It could be better though.

Loosening up my Writing Style

I'm trying to loosen up my writing style, but it isn't easy. Just using contractions is a bigger step for me than most people might think. I was influenced by perfectionists, my father and a few teachers. I should have gotten over that by now. I don't want this blog to be too formal. Using profanity was another part of loosening up in writing and in talking. I still do use it sparingly and with variety. Overuse of one word or expression can be fucking boring. Sometimes I bore myself when I am writing it. I am starting to enjoy writing more. There are limits as to how far I will go. I still don't use the word "ain't." I hope I don't bore the people reading it as much as I do myself.

responsibility for my own actions

One of the books that I am reading now is about sociopaths. The subject of conscience and responsibility for one's actions is dealt with. The author wrote that we often give up responsibility for our actions when we are told by an authority to do something. I cannot agree with this completely. I would not feel comfortable giving up control of my own actions. I definitely would not let an employer get me to do anything that I did not feel comfortable doing. I do like to be submissive to sex partners and some friends, but guidelines would be set before I would enter into a submissive role. I would not be submissive to someone I do not trust. The people in my life to whom I am willing to be submissive know what not to ask me to do. I do not not know whether or not I would do some things, but I would not give up responsibility for my own actions.

more thoughts

In certain situations I have been known to make people uncomfortable, not sexually but in other ways. When I was coming out my roommate would sometimes make anti-gay remarks. I think he was probably a bigger queen than I was. I got tired of his shit. Sometimes I would blow him a kiss as he was leaving the room. He would always overreact. I would also do other things  in other areas to torment him. Sometimes I would sit on a small shelf that was between the windows in our room. He had a hard time dealing with anything out of the "norm" and I have never tried to fit in. He was an easy target. At the end of the school year he wanted to be my roommate the following year, but I was moving into another dorm. I enjoy making stiff, conservative aware that their points of view are not the only ones. In a class we read a story about a man with a double life. He was having an affair and at the same time he was married with children. In class I said that we all live double lives, because we all have things in our private lives that we hide from other people. I remember that others in the class were shocked by my statement. I enjoy making idiots think, although they may be allergic to doing that. Some people have been made uncomfortable by things on my t-shirts, but I do not choose clothing in order to do that. I do not give a fuck what most people think about my attire.

thoughts

The thing that I want most for my friends, especially my closest friends, is that they feel good for themselves. I do not want to lose any friends, but I would prefer to lose a friend than for them to feel bad about themselves. As for those who are not friends or part of my family I don't give a fuck. I would not want a friend to do something sexual or other with or for me that would make him feel uncomfortable. I would not want me to do anything for him that would make him uncomfortable. Mutual consent and respect are very important to me.

Sometimes the idea that I would do certain things for a friend if he wants but only if he wants along with the idea that he knows that I would do that thing can be enough. This can be an issue of trust. There are few men whom I would I tell that I would do anything that I can or them. There is a friend who knows what power he could have over me, but he does not abuse that power. It would not be good for us to do anything sexual together, because he is heterosexual and he does not want tht to happen. What I enjoy most about our friendship is that I can talk with him about things I cannot discuss with anyone else.

I miss my best friend. I see him twice a week. Soon I won't be able to see him that often. We are going to keep in touch. He keeps me going. He has helped more than he knows. I want to be around for him when he gets out of prison. I want to continue to be a support for him and anythings that he wants or needs for me to do for him.