My old writings

I have mixed feelings about my old writings. I am happy with some of my old writings. I still find some of the same things funny, but my sense of humor has expanded. I hid my emotions too much in the old writings. Some of these pieces are too sterile. Some of the pieces that I like reveal how twisted I can be. I enjoy having a twisted sense of humor. I like it when friends laugh at things that I have written. I do not know what most other people think about my older writings' or any of my writing come to think of it, because it is hard for me to get me to let anyone to let me know. I have loosened up in writing and talking. I think that I come across less often as someone who has something stuck up my ass. I don't like for anything to be put in my ass.

"Kill My Mother: A Graphic Novel" by Jules Feiffer

I first became aware of Jules Feiffer when I read his play, Little Murders. It has been a long time since I read it, but I remember that I really enjoyed its dark humor. I have enjoyed everything that I have read by him. Most of my friends did not like his screenplay for the film Popeye, but I liked it. I saw a copy of this graphic novel, and I checked it out yesterday. It is full of interesting characters and plot twists. The art can easily be recognized as that of Jules Feiffer. His style of art and writing continue to excel.

"Postcards from the Edge" by Carrie Fisher

Postcards from the Edge, by Carrie Fisher, is one of my favorite novels. I first read it when it was published in 1987. I laugh out loud frequently when reading this book. (It is not easy to make me laugh out loud. I can relate more fully to the drug use now than I could when it was published though. Some of the passages could be describe me. The main character's therapist tells her, You're just excited because now you have another truth to entertain people with, part of your little honesty show, which exists to make people think you're not trying to stay as far away from them as you actually are." That's me sometimes. This novel is insightful and funny. There are not many books that are as successful at being both. All of Carrie Fisher's books that I have read are the same. I want to read the rest of her books and reread the ones that I have read. I was very saddened by her death, but I am glad that we have her books to read.

Memory

I wish we could decide which memories take up space in our memory. I would like to put time limits on some kinds of memories. It would be nice if my memories of mistakes would disappear after I dealt with them. It would also be helpful if I could remember the numbers I need and forget the ones that just take up space that could be used for something. I could also benefit from being better at remembering to eat food and drink water. Sometimes I forget to do things until it is too late or close to being too late. I need more space in my memory for that. Then I need to be able to forget those things until I need to do them again. It would also be nice to be able to forget appointments after they have been kept unless I have the same appointment again. I have been able to improve some areas of my memory, but some parts remain stubbornly lazy. Memory chips for our brains would be nice too, but I would probably misplace them....lol

"The Damnation Game" by Clive Barker

Clive Barker is one of my favorite writers. The Damnation Game was his first novel. It was published in 1985. It is a book that I found hard to put down. He has written some of the most frightening passages that I have ever read, in this book and other stories and novels. He is expert at combining the erotic with the horrifying. He is good at creating characters who are very likable as well as characters who are completely repulsive. There are characters who are a combination of the two. I am often surprised by plot developments. Fortunately there are still books that he has written that I have not read. I think that I would enjoy meeting him in person.

This is going to be good year

This is going to be a good year. I am learning some difficult lessons, but I will make it through these lessons. It is difficult for me to ask for anything. It is especially hard for me to ask for any kind of help. This is even true where social and government agencies are concerned. I am going to stop letting this stop me from getting the help that I need. I am still going to help others, but I am going to take better care of myself.

I am going to stop being so hard on myself. I beat myself up too often. For example. I have written before about how much I value friendship, and I would not want to do anything to hurt a friendship. I have a straight friend whose company I enjoy very much. At times I am attracted to him sexually. I would not act on this attraction, because I know that it would damage our friendship. I have been beating myself up today for having these thoughts. I just have to let thoughts go, and not dwell on feeling bad about them. We enjoy doing things for each other. He knows that I would do anything for him that he wants me to do. I am comfortable with his knowing this, because I know that he would not take advantage of me. We used to eat lunch together occasionally. I hope that we can do that again. It is much more fun to eat with someone who makes me smile. He has an awesome smile. I need to focus on what we can do together, and enjoy those things. I have enough friends with whom I can enjoy sexual activities.

I am focusing more on what I need to say here than I am on getting the grammar, paragraphing, etc. perfect. If you don't like that come give me a good spanking...😉I might enjoy that if the right people do it.

A Recent Hospital Stay

I recently spent a week in the hospital. I had an abrasion in my esophagus, and I threw up about half a liter of blood. I do not know where I got the abrasion. I was told that it was the size of a paper cut. I had been sick all day. I threw up in the library restroom. I went to the bus station where I continued to regurgitate. I could not make it to the toilet when I threw up the blood. Someone called for an ambulance, and the bus station was evacuated.

It seemed that the doctors were trying to get me out of the hospital before I was ready. I was still feeling unsteady in my feet, and I was having difficulty swallowing even liquids and soft foods. On the list of prescribed medications that I received at the hospital was listed a piece of Nicorette gum. I remember a nurse giving me a piece of chewing gum. When I asked her what it was she said that it was for my breath. I was asked several times if I smoked cigarettes, and I told them that I usually did not smoke more than one or two cigarettes on a day. I do not know why I was told a lie about this gum.

While I was in the hospital my glasses could not be found. (Well, one of the lenses had been missing for awhile, but I can could still see better with one lens than I could without it.) The absence of my glasses added to my headache. I was not able to read while I was in the hospital, and I do not watch TV. I asked several times where my glasses were, and I never received a direct answer. I was told that this kind of loss was common at the hospital. Of course they do not compensate patients for this loss. I did find my glasses when I received my belongings when I left the hospital, but I do not know how long they had been there.

A few times before I left the hospital I was told that my blood counts were good, and that I was ready to leave the hospital. They paid more attention to numbers than they did to how I actually felt. For part of my stay in the hospital I wore a wrist band with the words "Fall Risk" on it. This seemed to be ignored. There were times when I felt dizzy and had difficulty getting anyone to walk with me to make sure that I did not fall.

I am even more convinced now than I was before that the hospitals in this country are more interested in making money than they are in the health of the patients, that they consider the rules of the hospital more important than the health of the patients and the main focus of the healthcare system of this country is making money.