Even when I was growing and was being bullied I never considered changing who I was to keep from being bullied. I never thought that I was wrong in being who I was. I just found ways to get home from school without getting beaten up. I never tried to fit in with the other children around me. I did not try to be different either I was just simply who I was. I remember once a teacher had suggested that we watched a musical based on "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" that was on TV. The day after she asked the class who had liked the musical. One hand in the class was raised - mine. It did not even enter my mind to hide my enjoyment of what no one else liked. When I was in the sixth grade my favorite book was a satirical history of hairstyles. I made no effort to hide my being different. I did not consider changing how I acted to get other people to like me. This was not always easy, but I survived.
The memory of the following is very vague. I think it happened, but I cannot say with complete certainty that it did. I saw part of a program on homosexuality on TV at some time when I was a child. I cannot remember when this was, but for some reason I came to think of a mixed marriage as being a man and a woman. I remember not understanding why people were getting upset about mixed marriages.
I think that I always knew I was gay. I remember having feelings of guilt about this as a result of hearing negative views of homosexuality from adults that I trusted. In a class in high school the teacher said, "Bruce (the name I have used most of my life until I changed it a few years ago - more about that later.) is a homo." He paused long enough to let the other people in the class laugh, and then he said "sapiens." This was a class in which we discussed current issues. In one class he said we were going to discuss homosexuality. He then said that the thought of two men kissing each other made him sick. He did not allow anyone to say anything further on the subject. I continued to speak with this teacher at times outside of class, but I remember being hurt by these things. I continued to struggle with feelings of guilt about my sexual orientation until I was nineteen. I talked with a counselor at school. I saw him for a short time, but it did help me. I was attending a church where the Pastor said that if he found out that anyone at the church was gay or lesbian he would throw them out of the church. I stopped going. I eventually went through a period of time when I was an atheist. For the final exam in a Spanish composition class I talked the professor into letting me choose the topic on which to write the essay that made up the exam. (In five years in college I wrote two papers on topics chosen by the professor. Other times I always talked the professors into letting me write on topics that fit in with the theme of the class but whose topic I chose.) I wrote the essay on why I no longer wanted to live in the United States. I wrote that about how I saw myself at the time. I said that being gay, an atheist and a socialist I would be more at home in Europe. (I am still gay, I am not an atheist, but I do have some socialistic leanings.)
There were two reasons that it took me five years to get my bachelor's degree. Most semesters I took twelve class hours, and I also took the maximum number of elective classes. Classes in languages other those of my major were considered electives. I also took courses in other subjects that interested me.
My first two years in college I was very quiet. Not doing much besides going to class and to church. At the end of my sophomore year I did three firsts. I got drunk for the first time, I smoked pot for the first time and I went to a gay bar for the first time. The friend with whom I did these things had said that the bar where we were going to was elegant. It was far from that. There were few people with a miniature dance floor. When we arrived back at the dorm I was greeted by a look of shock on the face of someone who had only seen me as quiet and shy.
More later.
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