Musings on Why I Like Some Things

I have had people suggest that I would like something (a book, music, film, etc.) simply because it was unusual. This is an assumption that I find annoying Whether or not I enjoy something is not dependent on whether or not it is unusual. There have been times when someone has brought something to my attention saying "You'll like this, it is strange," and I felt like saying, "What the fuck is this shit?" There are things that I like that are considered to be unusual by a lot of people, but they have a quality besides being unusual that attracts me to them. Some of the things I like are only consider unusual in some cultures and circles. There are singers that I like from other countries. They may be considered something other where I live, but in their own countries they would be thought of as mainstream. Sometimes I will enjoy something, and I am taken aback by comments of others that whatever it is is strange. I simply do not consider other people's opinions make an impact on whether or not I enjoy something. I do enjoy finding people with whom I can share things that I enjoy. I do enjoy finding people with whom I fit in, but I am not going to change who I am in order to do that. Most people will like some of the things that I do and hate some of the things that I like. That is something that can make life interesting. OK, that's enough for now.

Getting the Outside to Match the Inside

I touched on this when I wrote about working for a conservative. Usually I have chosen the clothes I wear or other aspects of my appearance to reflect who I am or how I feel. I do feel comfortable in a wide variety of styles of clothing. In the late 70s I was attracted to the "fuck the world" attitude of punk music. There has usually been a touch of the punk in my outward appearance since then. Some things are a combination of punk with other things. On my left thigh I have a tattoo of a barbed-wire cross. This is a combination of punk and Christian. At times I have worn a spiked leather collar. This started as punk statement. This later became a sign of my connection with furry fandom (more about this later). I stopped wearing that collar, because the leather started wearing out. I now wear a cloth collar with tags. The tags have my name and a reference to a special friend who means a lot to me. People ask me sometimes why I wear it. Sometimes I ask them why they don't wear one. Sometimes I say there is no reason, but I just want to wear it. How I answer the question depends on the situation and the questioner. I have a pair of boots with spikes on the toes. These were given to me by a younger punk friend. I enjoy wearing them from time to time.
I have enjoyed having different hair styles. During the 80s I would have my hair cut and dyed at a beauty school. For a few years I would have it dyed platinum blond with a blue streak somewhere. After a while when I went to get my hair done a group of students would form around where it was being done. They were curious what new thing I was going to have done. I usually have a buzz cut now, because I can do it at home myself. This saves money. I still may have the color changed again.
I have two tattoos in addition to the one mentioned above. One is a pink triangle (It has faded. and it no longer looks pink. I need to have it re-inked) inside a black heart. This combines the pink triangle of gay pride with the black heart used by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. The other is a lion. This was initially inspired by a tattoo that I saw in a photo of Brad Wilk, the drummer of Rage Against the Machine. There were designs for lion tattoos in the place where I had my tattoos and piercings done, but they were all smiling. I found one I liked, but I said I did not want the lion to be smiling. I have plans of getting more tattoos done.
I like wearing t-shirts that make some sort of statement. Sometimes it might be for a band or musician I like, Gogol Bordello, Social Distortion, Hank Williams III, etc. Some are meant to make people laugh or to piss them off. I have a few that Tucker Max sold on his website. "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," "Assholes Finish First" and "What Would Tucker Do?" Some reflect things that mean something to me, gay rights or anti-racism for example. I wear some shirts to show people that their point of view is not the only one. For instance I sometimes wear a t-shirt with "Buddhist Atheist" on the front. I also have t-shirts for schools where friends had attended or have other personal attachment of some kind: Wichita State, Baker University, KU and NCSU. I became a fan of the University of Kansas after moving back to North Carolina. Sometimes I just wear a t-shirt as a way of saying, "Fuck you, I am who I am. If you don't like it I don't give a shit.

Overcoming insecurities about writing

I am working on overcoming my insecurities about my writing ability. There were times in the past that I let my self doubts get in the way of trying to get writings published. In a class in Latin-American Poetry I handed in a paper a month late. It was a paper comparing some Latin-American poets and some poets from Madagascar. When the professor read the paper he said that I should get it published, but I let my self doubts keep me from submitting it anywhere, Later when I got my nerve up enough to submit it I had lost the paper. This was in the day before personal computers were handy for keeping such things. The same professor later wanted me to translate some of his books from Spanish into French. I procrastinated too long because of insecurities. I had a teacher in high school who sometimes would give optional writing assignments. They were optional for everyone but me. He wanted me to write, because he said that I had talent. Even with that encouragement I was not very confident. I am working on overcoming that insecurity. So far writing this blog has helped my mood immensely as a means of self expression.

Random Memories of Incidents as a Pedestrian

The first few are from the years when I was living in Greensboro, North Carolina, from college through my early 30s. Once I was walking down the street and someone called me a dyke, and I had a mustache at the time. For a few years I would be whistled at by women driving trucks. Once I was walking along a walking path wearing a backpack. I was stopped by the police who said that people in the neighborhood thought I looked suspicious. I was not wearing anything unusual or doing anything unusual. They stopped me on a busy street and searched me on the sidewalk. Once I was walking close to the university, and a guy offered to pay me $4.00 to smoke a joint with him. I have enjoyed smoking from time to time, but this just seemed a bit too odd even for me. For a period of time I wore bright colors and sometimes strands of beads. Once I was going down the street wearing such attire, I don't remember whether or not I was wearing beads. A fire truck went by with sirens on, and most, if not all, of the firemen turned and looked at me. Usually it is the other way around. Once I was walking by some road work downtown, and one of the guys working asked if I cared for some good sex. I was tempted to say either that I was or to ask him where I could find some. I have regretted since then that I just acted like I did not hear him and continued walking down the street.

When I was in Prague I had two straight roommates. They complained that the women there never paid attention to them. When I walked anywhere I often had women smile and wave at me. They were younger and better-looking than I, yet I was the one who got attention from women on the street.

One of the things I liked about Lawrence, Kansas was the friendliness of the people. A lot of times when I would walk anywhere people driving would honk their horns and wave. Almost always people I did not know, but it made me feel welcome in that city.

The Arrogance of the Ignorant.

Why is it that the biggest idiots think they know everything? Usually I try to avoid dealing with people like that as much as possible, either that or piss them off enough that they stay away from me. Usually pissing them off does not take much effort. A lot of times just questioning ideas that they hold dear is enough to make them keep their distance. Such is the arrogance of the ignorant. The most intelligent people never stop learning, and I have not yet met a truly intelligent person who was arrogant. There are different kinds of intelligence. I am not putting down people who are not seen as intelligent according to society's norms. The people for whom I do not have tolerance are those who act smug and look down on others. To be honest though I have sometimes wanted to slap their smug looks off of their faces, but I realize that it would only make me look bad. I have to remember not to let them make me as miserable as they are.

Random thoughts and memories

In a magazine, I think it was during the 1980s, there was a questionnaire on American Style. After answering the questions my score was -285. (I cannot remember the exact score.) The interpretation of that score was that I had not grown up in the U.S.A, and I definitely had not grown up speaking English. ( I did grow up in the U.S.A. speaking English.) It is funny to me that people most often say that the language that I speak with a foreign accent is English. I studied Russian years ago, and I remember some of what I learned. I would like to study it again. I was on a bus in Lawrence, Kansas talking to a woman from Russia. I said some of the phrases that I remembered. She commented that I said them without an accent. I was pleasantly surprised when she said this. Often people think that I am German. German is a language that I would like to learn. One of my favorite words is the German word Arschloch. In Prague I was in a music store buying a couple of Czech cds. When I walked up to the cash register the cashier was speaking to the woman in front of me in English. When I stepped up she spoke to me in German. I was able to understand what she was saying because of context and having learned some words and phrases in the language. After I left the store a few people spoke to me in Czech and Slovak.
I was in downtown in Winston-Salem, NC, and there was a group of Latin-American musicians playing awesome music. I got transported by the music. For me everything besides the music almost disappeared. It was a beautiful experience moving to the music ignoring what other people might think.
One of my favorite memories of my trip to Prague happened on the Metro. Three young guys got on the train with a bottle of wine. They sat close to me, and we passed the bottle of wine around and had a good time talking.
When I was in Paris in 1979 several times I was stopped by French people who asked me for directions. Once I was walking past the American Center that had its name in large letters on a wall by the sidewalk. A French guy stopped and asked, "Où est le Centre américain?" I just gestured at the sign.

No tolerance for intolerance

I want to make it clear that by no means am I anti-Christian. I know that there are Christians who show the true love of Christ. It is those who claim to be Christians yet treat those who are not Christian with disdain and intolerance with whom I have problem. I have the same problem with people of any religious persuasion who look down on those views do not agree with their own. I remember seeing on local access TV years a discussion panel of fundamentalist atheists. I could only take a few minutes of their program, because they thought of their own point of view as being the only intelligent one. The people on this panel looked miserable, and I think they wanted other people to be as miserable as they. Telling anyone that they are wrong to believe as they do is not going to lead them to change. It will only lead them to see you as an intolerant prick. Currently I am struggling with faith. Some Christians when you tell them this start preaching at you. What I need is love, acceptance and prayer.

Why I Call Myself a Professional

There are times that we all need to be assholes. What separates the professional asshole from the amateur is that the professional knows when to be an asshole and when not to be one. The amateurs haven't figured that out yet, and many of them are in peril of being douches. Some have crossed this line long ago. There has been some hilarious writing done by assholes, but I have not seen any yet by gay assholes. It is time for me to step up and make up for this lack. Once I overheard two guys talking, one straight and the other gay. They were discussing another guy. The straight one said that the other one could not be gay, because he was an asshole. The gay guy said, "There are gay assholes." I am one of those gay assholes.
I believe it is always necessary to have a sense of humor. Even when looking back at things that were difficult at the times I can find things to laugh about. I try not to take myself too seriously. As long as people laugh with me and not at me. Those who laugh at me or those who are important to me will become well acquainted with my inner asshole. Everybody, except maybe judgmental douches, should be treated with love and respect. Judgmental douches on't get shown any mercy by me.

Working for a Conservative

When I was in my twenties I was working at a convenience store that was owned by a very conservative man. He was a contributor to one of North Carolina's most infamously conservative senators. There was a large variety among the regular customers. It was close to factories and a dinner theatre. The regulars worked in those places, and there were truck drivers who were regulars too. Once there was a truck driver from Quebec in the store. I could tell that he was struggling with English, so I spoke to him in French. I remember the look of relief on his face. It took me a few minutes to switch back to thinking in English. I got along with the customers. I did the best job that I could, but did not let the owner's conservatism keep me from being myself. Sometimes I would wear conservative clothing, but sometimes I would go to work in fake leather pants and black high-heel suede boots. One of the higher managers in the store chain was a closeted gay man (One of my roommates at the time was a friend of his lover.), and I do not think he liked me very much. Once the owner asked my manager if I was gay, and my manager told him it was none of his business. The store  manager said that he almost asked me about my sexual orientation, but he did not think it was any of his own business either. It is surprising that I kept the job as long as I did. I may tell some more about things that happened at that job.

More about Who I Am

Even when I was growing and was being bullied I never considered changing who I was to keep from being bullied. I never thought that I was wrong in being who I was. I just found ways to get home from school without getting beaten up. I never tried to fit in with the other children around me. I did not try to be different either I was just simply who I was. I remember once a teacher had suggested that we watched a musical based on "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" that was on TV. The day after she asked the class who had liked the musical. One hand in the class was raised - mine. It did not even enter my mind to hide my enjoyment of what no one else liked. When I was in the sixth grade my favorite book was a satirical history of hairstyles. I made no effort to hide my being different. I did not consider changing how I acted to get other people to like me. This was not always easy, but I survived.
The memory of the following is very vague. I think it happened, but I cannot say with complete certainty that it did. I saw part of a program on homosexuality on TV at some time when I was a child. I cannot remember when this was, but for some reason I came to think of a mixed marriage as being a man and a woman. I remember not understanding why people were getting upset about mixed marriages.
I think that I always knew I was gay. I remember having feelings of guilt about this as a result of hearing negative views of homosexuality from adults that I trusted. In a class in high school the teacher said, "Bruce (the name I have used most of my life until I changed it a few years ago - more about that later.) is a homo." He paused long enough to let the other people in the class laugh, and then he said "sapiens." This was a class in which we discussed current issues. In one class he said we were going to discuss homosexuality. He then said that the thought of two men kissing each other made him sick. He did not allow anyone to say anything further on the subject. I continued to speak with this teacher at times outside of class, but I remember being hurt by these things. I continued to struggle with feelings of guilt about my sexual orientation until I was nineteen. I talked with a counselor at school. I saw him for a short time, but it did help me. I was attending a church where the Pastor said that if he found out that anyone at the church was gay or lesbian he would throw them out of the church. I stopped going. I eventually went through a period of time when I was an atheist. For the final exam in a Spanish composition class I talked the professor into letting me choose the topic on which to write the essay that made up the exam. (In five years in college I wrote two papers on topics chosen by the professor. Other times I always talked the professors into letting me write on topics that fit in with the theme of the class but whose topic I chose.) I wrote the essay on why I no longer wanted to live in the United States. I wrote that about how I saw myself at the time. I said that being gay, an atheist and a socialist I would be more at home in Europe. (I am still gay, I am not an atheist, but I do have some socialistic leanings.)
There were two reasons that it took me five years to get my bachelor's degree. Most semesters I took twelve class hours, and I also took the maximum number of elective classes. Classes in languages other those of my major were considered electives. I also took courses in other subjects that interested me.
My first two years in college I was very quiet. Not doing much besides going to class and to church. At the end of my sophomore year I did three firsts. I got drunk for the first time, I smoked pot for the first time and I went to a gay bar for the first time. The friend with whom I did these things had said that the bar where we were going to was elegant. It was far from that. There were few people with a miniature dance floor. When we arrived back at the dorm I was greeted by a look of shock on the face of someone who had only seen me as quiet and shy.
More later.

Introduction

The main aim for this blog is self expression. I tend to vacillate between not giving a fuck what people think and being extra sensitive not to offend anyone. I will write about whatever is on my mind.I may ramble at times. I am not here to impress anybody or write what I think people want to read. The writings and of a few people have inspired me to start this blog, Tucker Max, Steven B. Green, Dennis LaValle, Chris Illiminati, Gertrude Stein, Hank Williams III, Eminem, Nico, Yoko Ono, I do not want to be a pale copy of any of these people. They main inspiration I get from these people is that they are true to being themselves. Also in this blog I will explore why my brain malfunctions the way it does.
I was born and raised in the United States, but my point of view is more international. I enjoy humor from Eastern Europe more than I do that of this country. My favorite filmmaker is Krzysztof Kieślowski. I love music from all over the world. It is not unusual for me to go from listening to Jacques Brel to Hank III to Eminem to Orlík to Laibach to Yoko Ono to Richard Müller to Pansy Division to Tupac...( I definitely don't agree with Orlík's politics, but I enjoy the sound of their music.) Mostly I enjoy reading things that make me laugh and/or think. Some of my favorite books are I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, by Tucker Max, Everybody's Autobiography by Gertrude Stein, Assholeology by Steven B. Green, Dennis Lavalle and Chris Illuminati, The Rose That Grew From From Concrete by Tupac Shakur and books by Nikki Giovanni and Alain Robbe-Grillet.
Growing up I was constantly bullied for being small, gay, and being different. Because of this I feel strong connection with groups of people who are considered to be "other." I believe that we should all be allowed to express our beliefs (or lack of belief) and our individuality.
I enjoy learning other languages, and I definitely need to work on my language skills. We all have our areas where we excel and this just happens to be mine. Growing up in a small town in North Carolina I was often asked what country I was from. Once I was told by the manager of a store that I did not need to apply for a job, because if I was hired the owner of the store would fire me because I was not American enough. Oh well, that was long ago.
I am very liberal in my political views. I think that the political system in the U.S. is broken as it is now.
I am a Christian, but I sometimes struggle with faith. Some of the hateful Christians make me understand what Gandhi said about wanting to be a Christian until he met one.
I am at my happiest when I am free to be myself and laugh with friend.
(I am learning how to do some things here. I am not sure why some of the text appears differently fro, the rest. I will figure that out later. The important part is getting started.)