A Recent Hospital Stay

I recently spent a week in the hospital. I had an abrasion in my esophagus, and I threw up about half a liter of blood. I do not know where I got the abrasion. I was told that it was the size of a paper cut. I had been sick all day. I threw up in the library restroom. I went to the bus station where I continued to regurgitate. I could not make it to the toilet when I threw up the blood. Someone called for an ambulance, and the bus station was evacuated.

It seemed that the doctors were trying to get me out of the hospital before I was ready. I was still feeling unsteady in my feet, and I was having difficulty swallowing even liquids and soft foods. On the list of prescribed medications that I received at the hospital was listed a piece of Nicorette gum. I remember a nurse giving me a piece of chewing gum. When I asked her what it was she said that it was for my breath. I was asked several times if I smoked cigarettes, and I told them that I usually did not smoke more than one or two cigarettes on a day. I do not know why I was told a lie about this gum.

While I was in the hospital my glasses could not be found. (Well, one of the lenses had been missing for awhile, but I can could still see better with one lens than I could without it.) The absence of my glasses added to my headache. I was not able to read while I was in the hospital, and I do not watch TV. I asked several times where my glasses were, and I never received a direct answer. I was told that this kind of loss was common at the hospital. Of course they do not compensate patients for this loss. I did find my glasses when I received my belongings when I left the hospital, but I do not know how long they had been there.

A few times before I left the hospital I was told that my blood counts were good, and that I was ready to leave the hospital. They paid more attention to numbers than they did to how I actually felt. For part of my stay in the hospital I wore a wrist band with the words "Fall Risk" on it. This seemed to be ignored. There were times when I felt dizzy and had difficulty getting anyone to walk with me to make sure that I did not fall.

I am even more convinced now than I was before that the hospitals in this country are more interested in making money than they are in the health of the patients, that they consider the rules of the hospital more important than the health of the patients and the main focus of the healthcare system of this country is making money.

"Illumination Night" by Alice Hoffman

Alice Hoffman's novel Illumination Night is one of the better novels that I have read in a long time. It was published in 1987. The characters are diverse. Not all of the characters are likable, but life is like that. The plot is well conceived. I grew to care about the characters and wanted to see what they would do and what would happen to them. There are surprises in the plot. I would be interested in reading more books by the same author. I would recommend this novel.

Friendship

I enjoy it when I can spend money on friends or give money to friends, but the guys who want me to do these things for them should at least act like they want to be around me for other reasons too. I may enjoy paying guys to be able to suck them off, but if I am going to pay a guy to let me suck him off I refer paying someone who is not a friend. I am willing to give a friend money, and I am willing to give blow jobs to friends. I prefer not to pay friends to let me give them blow jobs. I love doing anything that I can for friends, and this is not limited to oral sex. I like to see my friends happy, and I want my friends to feel good about themselves. I love my friends unconditionally. I have a few friends whom I miss very much. This time of year is usually hard for me, and not having a home is making this year more difficult. I will survive though. I still want to enjoy some ice cream with some friends.

"Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience and Redemption" by Laura Hillebrand

The time I spent reading Ubroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience and Redemption by Laura Hillebrand was time well spent. It is the true story of someone who went from a child who was often in trouble to being an inspiration. There are things in the book that are hard to believe, but whether or not the book is 100% true is not important. I have friends to whom I recommend this book. I have a friend who is not happy with where he is in life, and I want him to know that his current situation is not permanent. I want him to feel good about himself. I do not want to lose his friendship, and I will do anything that I can to help him to be who he wants to be. Anyway, this book is well written. There is one minor thing that irritates me about this book. It has notes at the end of the book. If you are going to put endnotes why not put numbers in the text of the book? This does not detract from the book, but it is an irritant to me nonetheless. A film based on this book has been written. I have not decided yet whether or not I want to see the film or to read the books that were co-authored by the hero of this tale.

"Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl" by Harriet Jacobs

I learned a lot by reading Incidents of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs. I learned that what we have been taught about slavery in the United States has been watered down. This book should be required reading for the people say about the Confederate flag that it is not hatred but heritage. They for get what the heritage is. Slavery was a cruel institution. Slaves were not treated as human. The author's daughter was pt in jail at the age of two, because the author had run away from slavery. The son was also put in jail at close to the same age. The masters could legally treat the slaves in any way that they wanted. This included throwing infants and murder. The marriage of two slaves could be ended by the master. No one should have ever been treated as the slaves were. This book needs to be read by more people.

Is Everything that I Write Here Fact?

Is everything that I write here fact? Is it possible that I write some things to provoke a reaction? Is it possible that parts are exaggerated or completely fictitious? Am I writing this post to stay out of jail? Am I a perverted, old drug addict who will do anything to get a cock in my mouth? I'm not going to answer these questions, unless you are willing to give me a lot of money, piss and or cum. Answeres may be true, but I offer no guarantee.

Thoughts on Five Books

I have not posted anything since reading these five books: The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason, Salvador by Joan Didion, White People by Allan Gurganus, Dark Rivers of the Heart by Dean Koontz and Laments for the Living by Dorothy Parker. This is a mixed assortment of books. There is some entertaining reading, some mediocre reading and some poor writing. At least one book is a mix of mediocre and terrible writing.

The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason is an entertaining, well-written book about students and scholars who are trying to disentangle the mysteries behind Hypnerotomachia Poliphili, an Italian book published during the Fifteenth Century. A couple of people who are studying the book are murdered along the way. It is a book that kept my interest. The main characters are likable, and I came to care about them. I would like to read other books by Ian Caldwell.

Salvador by Joan Didion has been compared to The Jaguar Smile by Salman Rushdie. The latter is an excellent book, but the book by Joan Didion has been overrated. The book does contain some excellent writing, but those parts are quotations from the works of other writers. The writing of Ms. Didion ranges from poor to mediocre. There are parts that, even after reading several times did not make any sense. She write, "There were a number of metaphors to be found in this earthquake, not the least of them being that one major building to suffer extensive damage happened also to be the major building most specifically and elaborately designed to withstand earthquakes." How is this a metaphor? In one place she wrote about documents being given to the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligent. At first the wrote that these documents had belonged to one man, then she said that they were given to him by someone else. In the notes on the dust jacket it is said that because of this book the author was seen as "one of the most distinguished and acute observers of people, places and feelings in American writing today." The author wrote, "I am indebted most of all to my husband, John Gregory Dunne, who was with me in El Salvador and whose notes on, memories about, and interpretations of events there enlarged and informed my own perception of the place." I wonder how many ideas expressed in the book were her own. I did learn some from this book in spite of the low quality of the writing.

White People: Stories and Novellas by Allan Gurganus is an example of why, in my opinion, creative writing classes tend to harm the creativity of the writer. The writing of people who teach and/or study these classes seems to lack something. There are some pieces that are almost enjoyable. They fall short though. "Blessed Assurance" is a novella about a man who sold funeral insurance to poor African Americans. This novella is the closest to be a satisfying read. I am not really interested in reading anything else by the author. The writing in these pieces tends to be prudish. I think that the title of the book is a poor choice.

Dark Rivers of the Heart is the first book that I have read by Dean Koontz. It is mostly an entertaining book. How two of the main characters meet seems a bit shaky, but they are likable. The plot is interesting even though some descriptions are more detailed than necessary. The ending is unsatisfactory. It seems that the author realized that the book was long enough, and he brought it to an abrupt end. I am interested in writing other of his novels, but it is not a high priority.

Laments for the Living: Collected Stories by Dorothy Parker is excellent reading. There is her usual mix of wit, sadness and thought-provoking writing. The stories deal with relations between the sexes, race relations and other topics. There seem to be characters that are gay and lesbian even though this is not explicitly stated. It is interesting to see how much American English has changed over the years. I think that is a shame that not paid to her writing today.

"Not so Deep as a Well: Collected Poems" by Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker was known for her wit, but but there seemed to be a sad edge to her sadness. She was a member of the Algonquin Round Table. Her stories and poems are worth remembering more than the quotes that are attributed to te members of that group. In reading her poems I sometimes do not know whether to laugh or cry. There are references to promiscuity and to wanting to be dead. A couple of lined that stand out to me are:
     "The Lads I met in Cupid's deadlock
     Were - shall we say? - born out of wedlock."
She often wrote about failed relationships where one may look for those who will accept them as they are, but where they are not happy with those who do. I wish I did not have to return the book to the library. I like to be able to reread her poems from time to time.

Feeling Uneasy

Today I am going to go to a service at a church that I used to attend. I am somewhat nervous about this. I started feeling uncomfortable there. It is one of the churches in this city that I helped to start, but people started treating me like an outsider when I returned after I had lived in another city. People tended to believe rumors they heard about and judging me based on these rumors instead of asking if the rumor were true. I lived in a house close to the church, and some people would watch to see what I was doing. They said that they were worried about me. If they were worried about me they could talk to me instead of spying on me. I have since I attended this church years ago. I changed my name. The people at the church still call me Bruce. Most of the friends I have now call me Vlk. I do not think that they are bad people. They are doing the best that they can. I don't know how they will receive me. I would like to be be wearing better clothes. I haven't shaved or had my hair cut since April. I hope that they do not judge me by my outward appearance. I hope they do not judge me at all. I hope we can all accept each other as we are. It may be time for me to move on, but I want to remain friends with some of the people at the church.

"Address Unknown" by Kressmann Taylor

"Address Unknown" was a powerful story that was first published in Story Magazine in 1938. The publisher of the magazine and the author's husband thought that the story was too strong to appear under a woman's name. I do not understand. Women had been publishing strong literature under their own names for years at that time. The author's name was Kathrine Kressman Taylor. It was an indictment of the Nazis in Germany. The magazine in which it was published quickly sold out. It has since been published in several languages. The author published other works, and she became a professor of creative writing. She was the first  woman to be granted tenure at Gettysburg College.

Clouds from a twisted perspective

The other day I saw clouds that looked like the ones that some people say look like Jesus. Then after a minute I looked again, and the clouds looked like a man with a beard (maybe Moses) who was getting ready to masturbate. Then I looked over the building that people here call the city's cock. There was a hole in the clouds. This hole resembled an anus as if the building was going to fuck the sky. I must have a twisted imagination to see things that way, but I love having a twisted imagination...lol

A Couple of Disappointing Books

I started to read two books that I thought I was going to enjoy. I did try to like them, but I did not make it very far in reading them. They are The Giant's House: A Romance by Elizabeth McCracken and Best Day Ever by Kaira Rouda. I almost liked The Giant's House, but it lacks something. I can almost relate with the main characters, but too they seem to be types instead of well formed characters. The author was young when she wrote this book. She has talent. I would be interested if she grew as a writer. Best Day Ever is an incredibly boring thriller. The narrator is arrogant and seems to lack imagination. There is a description of the death of a couple of people early in the book. The author succeeded in making that boring. It takes talent to be this boring. I thought that some of my writing is boring, but even I haven't written anything as boring as this.

Somewhere Being an Introvert and an Extrovert

I did learn some things from Susan Cain's book, but too much of the book seemed to make things black and white. At the end of the book she briefly stated that most people are somewhere between being introverts and extroverts. I know that I have traits of introverts, but I also have traits of extroverts. I prefer spending time with friends one on one. From time to time I need time alone to recharge, but I also need to be able to spend time with friends one on one also to recharge. Being around a large of people can be draining for me, but it can also be something that I enjoy. It depends on the circumstances. If I am among a group of people who let me be myself without fear of having anyone say that I am strange I can be outgoing. It is said that introverts do not stand up straight. I try to maintain good posture with my head held up, my back straight and my shoulders up. I find it more comfortable. Often people think that I am taller than I am because of this. When I speak up in front of a large number of people, in a lecture for example, I tend to feel nervous, but if I think that there is something that I need to say I do not let that stop me. After having done this I feel a sense of accomplishment from having stepped outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel energized by this. I do not speak out unless I feel that what I have is important. I find that by not speaking often that what I say is more effective.

It is said that introverts do not work well with loud music. For me it depends on what kind of music it is and what the task that I am doing. If I find the music to be boring I tend to make more mistakes. Some kinds of music make some tasks easier for me. This is especially true if I am doing something repetitive. Music that was intended to be played softly irritates me if it is played loudly. I also work better with music if I have control over what music is played.

Yes, I know that this needs to be edited. I have more to say on this subject. I will write more at a later date if I remember to do so.

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain (updated)

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain, is a mediocre book. The title is misleading. It is about both extroverts and introverts. One of the things that I find annoying about books like this is that they seem to be aimed exclusively at heterosexuals with families. All of the relationships mentioned are heterosexual. I think that these books should be more inclusive. There also seems to be too much focus on business situations. The author went to a seminar led by Tony Robbins. The attendees that she describes sound more like people mindlessly following a charismatic leader than they do extroverts. After reading this book I have more questions than I did before I read it. It is not until the very end of the book that she talks about most people not being completely introverts or extroverts. I feel more comfortable one on one with friends as do most introverts, but I also have traits that most extroverts do. Too little attention is given to the things that I could do to help myself to feel comfortable being an introvert, but I realize that I am somewhere between being an introvert and being an extrovert. (I will write more about that in another post) This book fits in with the best-sellers that I mentioned in the post yesterday. I feel that people praise this book, because other people did.

Here are a couple of things that do not make sense. She wrote, "Even the Western God is assertive, vocal and dominant; his son Jesus is kind and tender, but also a charismatic, crowd-pleasing man of influence (Jesus Christ Superstar). Doesn't she know that there were religious groups who were very unhappy with the portrayal of Jesus in this musical? She uses this as an example of the portrayal of Jesus, wtf? She said that the editor of this book "has got to be most brilliant and dedicated editor in the business." Any editor that allows a paragraph to begin "But although," could not possibly be a very good editor. This is a poorly edited book. I had a hard time finishing the book. I kept hoping that it would get better, but it never did.

We need to use our brains for something more than keeping our skulls full.

People too often pay attention to who is saying something instead of what is being said. If a celebrity says something too many agree because they like the celebrity and not because of the content of what is being said. There are people who will  only read something if Oprah Winfrey recommends it. They think that those who are in her network are wise even when they are full of shit. I have agreed with her at times, but she is of no more importance than anyone else. She lost me when she started her magazine with her photo on the cover of every issue. If she ran for president I definitely would not vote for her.

When a book wins a Pulitzer Prize it is assumed that it is full of truth when some of them of bullshit. I do not know how some books win this prize. I have read Pulitzer Prize winners that were not about what they were supposed to be about. When we read any book we need to use our brains to determine if what they say is true.

Also just because something becomes a best seller does not mean that it is of high quality. Often the worst crap has been bought by a large number of people. Sometimes it is because of winning a prize or was recommended by a celebrity. There have been exceptions, but we need to use our brains to decide what is true and what is bullshit.

Submissive Control Freak

I enjoy being submissive for some men, but I am also a control freak. I am not submissive to just anybody. I enjoy being spanked as long as it has been discussed beforehand. Once someone spanked me without my permission, and I became so angry that I passed out. I want to be the one who tells me what to do. Once I have given the other person permission to tell me what to do I enjoy it very much. This does not have to include. Sometimes it is enough for the other guy to know that I would be willing to submit to him even sexually. I would not want to do anything with or for him that would make him feel uncomfortable. My limits would be discussed beforehand too.

I am definitely a control regarding music. At home I like to be the decides what music gets played. Certain men have the privileges mentioned above. I miss having my collection, because I do not like listening to the radio. The reason for this is that I do not have control over what gets played. When I have my music collection and there is someone with me I can usually find something that whoever is with me would enjoy.

I do like making other people feeling, and I enjoy pleasing some men. There are areas where I do not want to give up control.

"Abandoned" by Cody McFadyen

Abandoned, by Cody McFadyen, is a well-written book. The characters are three-dimensional. I was surprised by the plot twists. There are parts of the book that I found hard to read, but this was because of how believable they were. These parts touched on my inner fears. I did see one hole in the plot, but it did not distract from the book as a whole. I would like to read more books by the same author. I would not be able to read too many of his books together. I would need a break from their intensity. This novel makes me realize that although I do have a dark side it is definitely not as dark as it could be. If you enjoy books that show the dark side of humanity with unexpected twists I would recommend this book.

Reflections on Rick Genest and Tattoos

I just learned recently that Rick Genest, also known as Zombie Boy, had died on August 1. I did not know much about him before reading about him and seeing videos since learning of his death. I do not remember where I first saw photos of him. I found him very sexy. I just watched a video of giving a brief talk, "Normal Is an Illusion." This has been my view for a long time. I wish that I had known more about him earlier. He appears in more videos that I want to see. It is sad that many people will not see him as anything more than a freak. He was an intelligent man with something to say. Too many people look at those with multiple tattoos and see nothing more than the tattoos.

I do not think I will get as many tattoos as Rick Genest did, but I do plan on getting more tattoos. I do not want to do this in order to please or displease anyone else. This has been my plan for a few years. I have been stopped by the financial aspect. I can't afford to do it. I will gradually get more tattoos as I can. I want my outer appearance to match how I feel inside. Some people may think that it is silly to think of doing this at my age, but I don't give a fuck what they think. There are other things that I have been doing that reflect this line of thinking. I have slowly stopped caring what other people think of me. My current living situation is far from perfect, but I am growing to be happier with who I am.

"A Dance with Dragons" by George R.R. Martin

I just finished reading A Dance with Dragons, the fifth book in A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I enjoyed the book as I did the others. My complaints about the books are mostly minor. I wish that he would have divided the series into shorter books. This book was published in 2011, and we are still waiting for the sixth book. I hope that the author completes the series. It seems that the characters I like either die or do not get much attention while those I do not like get more attention. At times it is difficult to keep up with all of the plot lines. The style of spelling does not seem consistent. There are likable characters, and there are characters who are fun to hate. I want to find out what happens to some of the characters. I would like to see the death of some of the characters who have been in all of the books so far.

Healthcare in the USA

Healthcare in the USA focuses more on big pharmaceutical companies and hospitals making money than on the health of people. Ambulance companies charge too much for taking patients to hospitals, and they will do anything that they can to get money. A person can be unconscious when they are picked up and taken to a hospital, and the ambulance company can force that person to pay hundreds of dollars for being taken there. Medications and medical procedures cost many times more than they do in other countries. I have not been able to have the tests done to see what causes my seizures. Pharmaceutical companies have much too much power in this country. They contribute a lot of money to political campaigns, and those elected do things to benefit these companies while the people they are supposed to represent get fucked over. The healthcare system and the political system need to be completely overhauled.

An Introvert who Needs People

I am currently reading a book about introverts. (I will write more about it when I finish reading it.) I consider myself an introvert. I need to spend some time alone, but I also need to spend time one on one with a friend. If i spend too much time alone I become more depressed. I need to interact with a small number of friends. I do better with one person at a time. I tend to be quiet when I am with a large group of people, but I can speak up if necessary. I get nervous speaking out with in a large group, but I do not let that stop me if I have something that I need to say. Sometimes my words have more impact because of my reputation for being quiet. People know that I do not speak up unless I feel strongly about what I have to say.

"Angry Candy" by Harlan Ellison

Angry Candy, by Harlan Ellison, is a collection of stories that was published in 1988. My favorites are "Laugh Track" and "The Function of Dream Sleep."I wish I could write as powerfully as Harlan Ellison did. There is an interesting touch on the title pages of the stories. Each title page has a drawing of what looks like a candy wrapper. In the first drawing it is unwrinkled. In each successive drawing it becomes progressively more wrinkled until at the end it is a ball of paper. This one of my favorite boos by the author. If you haven't read any of his books this is a good place to start. I cannot recommend his writing strongly enough.

"Deathbird Stories" and "Slippage: Previously Uncollected, Precariously Poised Stories" by Harlan Ellison

Deathbird Stories and Slippage: Previously Uncollected, Precariously Poised Stories, as should be obvious, are collections of stories by Harlan Ellison. The former was first published in 1975, and the latter was published in 1997. Slippage also contains essays and teleplays. There are some powerful stories. "Mephisto in Onyx" is one of my favorite stories by the author. It is powerful and has an unexpected ending. "Keyboard," a story of dark humor has one of the best opening sentences that I have read, "Chris Hudak knew he was in trouble when his computer bit him." "The Whimper of Whipped Dogs, " from Deathbird Stories, is another powerful story that is as pertinent today as it was when it was written. I do not want to give away the plots of the stories. I highly recommend Harlan Ellison's books to all readers.

A Post About my Best Friends

Three of my best friends are in jail or prison. My best friend is in another city. I hope that he will be somewhere closer soon. I need to send him money. I will try to write him more often. I miss him very much. The other two friends are in the local jail. I will visit them soon. Another of my best friends recently got out of jail. He is in recovery from addiction. I would like to see him, but I do not want to hinder his recovery. I know that he has been through a lot lately. I want to be a good friend for all four of these guys. They have all helped me. It helps to have friends who accept me as I am. I would like to be able to help all of them financially, but that is not possible. I can only do that for one of them. I will do as much as I can for each of them. I trust that they will not take advantage of how much I am willing to do for them. They are family. I feel very lonely without them.

T-Shirts that Make the Wearer Look Bad

People who wear t-shirts that insult other people make themselves look bad to me. Yesterday I saw a man who was wearing one that said, "Stand back: I'm allergic to stupid." It would be more effective if it said stupidity instead of stupid. If you are going to insult others lack of intelligence make sure that you do so in correct English or whatever language you use on your t-shirt. I am not fond of trying to make oneself look better by putting others down anyway. I have seen t-shirts that read "Sarcasm: Just one of my many talents." I have been tempted to ask the wearer of that shirt if s/he is being sarcastic and has few talents. I think I will ask the next person I see wearing that shirt. People who wear t-shirts that insult others do not deserve any mercy. Either don't wear clothing that shows your own ignorance while insulting others or be ready pay the consequences.

Timothy Leary and LSD

When I read some essays by Harlan Ellison I was reminded of a misconception held by the majority of people concerning Timothy Leary. In one of the essays Mr. Ellison stated that Dr. Leary had been in favor of the indiscriminate use of LSD. He must not have read Dr. Leary's writings about LSD. He was in favor of the careful use of LSD. He said that not everybody should use it. He also said that one should only do LSD in a safe environment with people that one trusts completely. He warned against those with schizophrenia doing LSD. He was definitely against the indiscriminate use of LSD. I have done LSD twice. The first time was not very pleasant. It seemed like I was stuck in a time loop that was never going to end. The second time was uneventful but pleasant. I would like to do it again, and I plan on remembering the precautions that Dr. Leary advised.

"Harlan Ellison's Watching"

Harlan Ellison's Watching is a collection of film criticism by the author. I do not always agree with his opinions, but I agree with him more often than not. After reading what he wrote about some of the films I want to see quite a few movies that I have not seen. After reading some of the others I am glad that I have not seen some of them. I agree with what he said about "Star Trek - The Motion Picture," but he was not aware of some of the things that caused it to be a rather boring movie. Close to the time when it came out I met George Takei at a science fiction convention at eh banquet before the con. He said that there were things that were taken out of the film script, because the studio insisted on the film having a G rating. Because of this some things that were said in the movie did not make sense. There were times when a character would walk on screen then walk off without saying or doing anything, because what they said or did had been cut. I agree with him about "Star Wars." (That is what it was called when it was released, so that is what I am going to call it.) I still have not watched it from beginning to end in one sitting. It is not a bad movie, but nothing outstanding. On the other hand I do not agree with him about "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" He said that if you did not love it your opinion about anything was worthless. I liked that movie, but I did not love it. I preferred Ralph Bakshi's "Cool World." He listed "The Wizard of Oz" as one of his favorites. It is one of my least favorite. It does give me some satisfaction to read opinions that are similar to my own when those opinions do not reflect the opinions of the majority of people. Harlan Ellison was always an entertaining writer with great integrity. Fortunately his books are still around to entertain us.

Adult Content on a Saturday Afternoon

Some things have changed. There is someone who claims to be a friend who wants me to pay him to suck his dick. I told him that I do not pay friends for that. He brings up that I had paid a couple of friends to do this. This may be true, but it is something that I no longer do. I am still friends with the guys he mentioned, but I no longer do anything sexual with them. Well, I may do something with one of them, but I won't pay him. I am not going to pay someone whom I respect as a friend to suck his dick. I am tempted to pay one guy to get his cock in my mouth, but he is not someone I consider a close friend. He wants more money than I am willing to pay anyway. He says that he gives the best golden showers and has the best pee in town. I have been tempted to ask him whose pee he has been drinking. Thinking about giving him oral pleasure is about to make me hard. I don't need to pay for dick when I can get it free. I sucked a friend's cock under a tree earlier today. I rimmed him too. He wanted me to cum, but I have a hard time cumming until the other guy does. We were interrupted by the sound of sirens going by. He was not able to cum or pee. Hopefully we will be able to play again.

"Dirty White Boys" by Stephen Hunter

Dirty White Boys, by Stephen Hunter, was published in 1994. It has an entertaining beginning, but it loses its way. Things became too predictable. Some of the characters are interesting, but there is too much emphasis put on one of the main characters having a big dick. The turns in the plot are usually unbelievable or too blatant. Issues are resolved too easily and too suddenly in places. Some of the characters are just types not well-rounded characters. The book could have been shorter without losing anything. It would have made things a little more interesting if at least one of the main characters had been gay. I wouldn't expect anything earthshaking from this book. It does have fun sections, but mostly they are at the beginning of the novel. They become rarer as the book continues. If you don't have any other books to read it provides a way to pass time.

Court Cases

I went to court recently. The case was continued. I have another charge to face in court next month. I hope that I can have the same public defender for both cases. The charge that is continued is for possession of drug paraphernalia. I was in a car with friends when we were pulled over. It could not be proven that I owned the items I claimed to own. I did not want to cause unnecessary problems for my friends. I was searched, but the police officer did not notice the item that I had in my pocket. The other charge is for shoplifting. I was depressed, and I took unnecessary risks by boosting in a store two days in a row. The adrenaline rush lifted my mood. I know that there are better ways to get out of a depressed mood, but they are not as much fun. I do not steal from friends, but I am still tempted to shoplift. I have not been doing it lately, and I probably won't unless certain friends ask me to do it. It is funny that I started breaking the law more at the age of 58.

"The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout, PhD

The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us is an interesting books, but it is lacking in ways. The author says that four per cent of the population is sociopathic. She repeats this point too often in the book. The main characteristic of the sociopath is the lack of a conscience. I am relieved to learn that I am not a sociopath. According to Dr. Stout sociopaths often become addicts. She does not seem aware that often people who are heavily addicted to drugs often do things they would not do if they were not addicts. We might feel guilty doing some things in some circumstances that we might not do in others. I know that I am not the only one who might not feel guilty about stealing from a corporation but would feel guilty about stealing from a person. My conscience is stronger when I am dealing with people I love. It can be almost absent when I deal some others. There is nothing that deals with possibilities in the book. Se paints too many things as being black or white. She also focuses too much on heterosexuals. I did learn some things from the book. It is entertaining. It could be better though.

Loosening up my Writing Style

I'm trying to loosen up my writing style, but it isn't easy. Just using contractions is a bigger step for me than most people might think. I was influenced by perfectionists, my father and a few teachers. I should have gotten over that by now. I don't want this blog to be too formal. Using profanity was another part of loosening up in writing and in talking. I still do use it sparingly and with variety. Overuse of one word or expression can be fucking boring. Sometimes I bore myself when I am writing it. I am starting to enjoy writing more. There are limits as to how far I will go. I still don't use the word "ain't." I hope I don't bore the people reading it as much as I do myself.

responsibility for my own actions

One of the books that I am reading now is about sociopaths. The subject of conscience and responsibility for one's actions is dealt with. The author wrote that we often give up responsibility for our actions when we are told by an authority to do something. I cannot agree with this completely. I would not feel comfortable giving up control of my own actions. I definitely would not let an employer get me to do anything that I did not feel comfortable doing. I do like to be submissive to sex partners and some friends, but guidelines would be set before I would enter into a submissive role. I would not be submissive to someone I do not trust. The people in my life to whom I am willing to be submissive know what not to ask me to do. I do not not know whether or not I would do some things, but I would not give up responsibility for my own actions.

more thoughts

In certain situations I have been known to make people uncomfortable, not sexually but in other ways. When I was coming out my roommate would sometimes make anti-gay remarks. I think he was probably a bigger queen than I was. I got tired of his shit. Sometimes I would blow him a kiss as he was leaving the room. He would always overreact. I would also do other things  in other areas to torment him. Sometimes I would sit on a small shelf that was between the windows in our room. He had a hard time dealing with anything out of the "norm" and I have never tried to fit in. He was an easy target. At the end of the school year he wanted to be my roommate the following year, but I was moving into another dorm. I enjoy making stiff, conservative aware that their points of view are not the only ones. In a class we read a story about a man with a double life. He was having an affair and at the same time he was married with children. In class I said that we all live double lives, because we all have things in our private lives that we hide from other people. I remember that others in the class were shocked by my statement. I enjoy making idiots think, although they may be allergic to doing that. Some people have been made uncomfortable by things on my t-shirts, but I do not choose clothing in order to do that. I do not give a fuck what most people think about my attire.

thoughts

The thing that I want most for my friends, especially my closest friends, is that they feel good for themselves. I do not want to lose any friends, but I would prefer to lose a friend than for them to feel bad about themselves. As for those who are not friends or part of my family I don't give a fuck. I would not want a friend to do something sexual or other with or for me that would make him feel uncomfortable. I would not want me to do anything for him that would make him uncomfortable. Mutual consent and respect are very important to me.

Sometimes the idea that I would do certain things for a friend if he wants but only if he wants along with the idea that he knows that I would do that thing can be enough. This can be an issue of trust. There are few men whom I would I tell that I would do anything that I can or them. There is a friend who knows what power he could have over me, but he does not abuse that power. It would not be good for us to do anything sexual together, because he is heterosexual and he does not want tht to happen. What I enjoy most about our friendship is that I can talk with him about things I cannot discuss with anyone else.

I miss my best friend. I see him twice a week. Soon I won't be able to see him that often. We are going to keep in touch. He keeps me going. He has helped more than he knows. I want to be around for him when he gets out of prison. I want to continue to be a support for him and anythings that he wants or needs for me to do for him.

"The Hidden Life of Dogs" by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas

The Hidden Life of Dogs by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is a wonderful book about dogs. It is unlike most books on the subject. It gives an intimate portrait of them. Several times while reading the book I had tears in my eyes. I was educated, entertained and moved by this book. I had a hard time putting it down. I was just going to read the beginning of the book and finish reading after reading the two other books that I am reading. I was drawn in by this book. I was reminded of dogs I have known. This is a book that I highly recommend. I would write more, but anything I wrote would fall short of describing the wonder of this tome. Find it and read it if you can.

musings

Sometimes I wish I was not so literal minded. I would like to be able to use figurative speech. When I hear someone talking about the sun coming out I know what they mean, but I still think about the literal meaning. I know that when people say that they hope that the sun will shine that they are not speaking literally. I do speak of the sun rising and setting, but in the back of my mind I am thinking that is does neither. (Yes, I am aware that I used figurative speech there. Where is the back of the mind?) I am embarrassed that I think so literally most of the time. I want to learn to appreciate more figurative language in everyday speech.

The Harlan Ellison Hornbook

The Harlan Ellison Hornbook is a collection of essays that were mostly written from 1972 to 1977. They appeared in three periodicals. They deal with his personal life, music, movies, television, books, comic books, restaurants, etc. There is commentary that updates some of the information. Harlan Ellison is mostly remembered for being obnoxious. Most people who remember him forget that he was supportive of those close to him and of those with talent. In the book there are more recent essays on Lenny Bruce, the Sixties and comic books. He spoke highly of Edward Gorey and David Sim. I enjoy the work of both of them. He wrote about some of the independent comic books that I enjoyed during the eighties. I disagree with a few things that he wrote, but I agree with most of what he wrote. He also wrote favorably of Frank Miller and Bill Sinkiewicz. He also wrote good things about The Fish Police, Cerebus the Aardvark, Groo the Wanderer and Love and Rockets. These were among the comic books I enjoyed. Harlan Ellison never fails to entertain.

Update 24/7/2018 Dealing with Depression

I am struggling with depression most of the time. I have been sleeping too much. I am going to work on getting in a better situation. I don't want to move back into a homeless shelter, because my book bag would be searched every time I went in at night. I keep contraband in my bag. I am not ready to give up some things. I will find a place to live. I wish I could see my best friend more than twice each week. Soon I won't be able to see him that often. Knowing that we will be back together again some day keeps me going. talking to his mom on the phone helps too. I spend most of my time alone. When I am alone too much I tend to focus too much on what I have said or done wrong. The people who I thought were my friends seem to be ignoring me. I need to focus more on knowing that I have an awesome best friend. I will continue to do anything that I can for him. If "friends" abandon me because I do not give them money it is their loss. My current situation is not permanent. I will be glad when I am able to take bathe and wash clothes somewhere besides in a creek. Things will get better.

More on Panhandling

Evangelizing Christians often assume that people who are homeless need to be "saved" in the religious sense of the word. Do they forget that according to the Bible Jesus was homeless during His ministry? Some of these people talk to me, but they refuse to listen to anything that I have to say. There are still people who have plated that say "WWJD" (What would Jesus do?) on their cars. If their actions of these people reflect their thoughts they think that Jesus would ignore those in need. There are a lot of people who gladly give money, food, water, other drinks, etc. I have also received cigarettes, beer and other things. I have seen people who were close to tears. I try to make them feel better. I do not want anyone to feel bad because they cannot give money. I would not have thought that I would enjoy panhandling, but much of the time I do enjoy it.

Heroin

I hate heroin, but the prohibition of the drug is not doing any good. It needs to be controlled. Standardization would be helpful. It is possible to buy heroin from different sources and have vast differences in their strength. One dose might not be dangerous, but another of the same size might be deadly. Education is definitely needed. The educators would be former users. I have seen how bad the sickness from withdrawal can be. I have not experienced dope sickness myself, but I know that I do not want to see my best friend or anyone else dope sick. There have been too many deaths from this drug. Also there is a lot of heroin being sold with other ingredients added. I would prefer seeing no one using heroin, but the laws we have are not working. Making the laws stricter would not help.

Another Rant

There is a form of question that I let bother more than I should, but I think that beginning a question with "where" and ending it with "at" should be punishable by death or at least having a few fingers broken. Why would anyone want to ask "Where are you at?" when "Where are you?" sounds much better. Adding "at" at the end is unnecessary. Hearing someone ask "Where is he at?" makes me want to scream or punch someone. I hold it in and move on. I've held this in long enough. I have heard people with degrees in English commit this sin. They should be punished most severely.

Another Post About Panhandling

I have noticed some things about people who don't give money when I am panhandling. There are exceptions to these observations, of course. I noticed that Christians who have tags and bumper stickers that proclaim their beliefs tend not to give any money. There have been very few exceptions to this. The Christians who give money usually show their beliefs through their actions rather than by plastering them on their cars. Actually most people who support any special interests do not give much money. People who have their cars decorated in ways to show support of sports teams tend not to give money. For some reason people who drive hybrid cars rarely give money. Drivers of Hummers, Land Rovers and  Mini Coopers usually are not very generous. People with flashy cars are usually big givers. I also noticed that I usually do not get money from people with big dream catchers or air fresheners hanging in their cars. I am not saying that these re bad people. I just noticed that they do not usually give money.

A Post about Panhandling

I have been spending a lot of time alone. When I panhandle I interact with people. There are people whom I see daily. A lot of these people smile and speak and give me encouragement. There is one cowardly idiot who yells "Get a job" or "Get a fucking job." I call him cowardly, because he yells this as he drives by. If he is in the next car in line he stops far away from me until the traffic light changes. He needs to focus more on his own life. Some people give me money every day. Some people never give me money, but they smile and wave whenever they see me. That helps too. The people who give money are usually much happier than the people who do not. Not everybody has money to give. I will write more later about the types of people who give and those who do not. I have learned a lot since I started panhandling. I enjoy doing it, because I can interact with people. Sometimes I can give encouragement to people who need it. Often people with a lot of money give a little and act like they are giving a lot. Some people with less money apologize when they do not think they are giving enough. I try to let the latter know that I am grateful for anything that I receive. I would prefer receiving a little money given with love to receiving a lot of money given reluctantly. I won't turn down any amount of money no matter how it is given. I am not going to lie here.

Harlan Ellison (continued)

I was saddened when I learned of the death of Harlan Ellison. He was one of my favorite authors. I once attended a lecture and reading that he gave. Both of them were about ninety minutes, but they seemed to be much shorter. This was the consensus of those who attended. I had a book that he signed. I wish that I still had that book. As I stepped up to have my book signed he yelled across the auditorium. I joked afterwords that I was almost deafened by Harlan Ellison. He was known for being outspoken. This was one of the things that I liked about him. He was a very good story teller. The style and content always appealed to me. Fortunately there are still books by him that I have not yet read. I will just have to find them. He will be missed.

Harlan Ellison

I don't know what to say. I just found that Harlan Ellison died on 28 June. He was one of my favorite authors. More later.

Update for 3/7/2018

I have not been able to be online for awhile. After leaving the homeless shelter I have spent many nights sleeping outside. Most of those nights I have slept in a tent in the woods in the city where I have been living. On some nights I slept under a bridge, and on some nights I slept in the open among some canes. For most of those nights I have been with my best friend. Some nights we slept in apartments of friends. Some people think that I have a crush on him. I just know that I would do anything that I can for him. He is currently in jail, so I have been sleeping alone in a tent. He thinks that he will be out of jail at the end of this month. There are some people who think that they can push me around since he is is jail. They will find out that there will be consequences for their actions.

I have grown to really appreciate some of the things that I took for granted when I was not homeless. Among these things are being able to bathe, to use a toilet and to brush my teeth. I have a rather scruffy-looking beard. I am learning to bathe and wash clothes in a creek.

I learned that the people I thought I could trust are not really trustworthy. The people I trust most are people I would have thought I would not be able to trust. I have learned who my real friends are. Foremost is the friend about whom I wrote above. Others who fit in that group are addicts and others who have spent time in jail. Some people who are supposed to be pillars of the community taught me how to lie.

I am going to continue to live on the fringes of society, but I am less fragmented. I am going to be true to who I am not what other people think I should be.

I was charged with possession of paraphernalia. Earlier today I made an appointment with a public defender.

My primary source of income is now panhandling. I will write later about some of the observations I have made doing that. I had worked at McDonald's, but being homeless made it very hard to keep very high standards of personal hygiene. I quit my position without notice.

I am going to see if I will qualify for disability benefits. I will write more about that later.

I have not been taking anti-seizure medications. I have only had one one-minute seizure since I stopped taking those medications. I feel more alert though.

31/3/2018

Last night I had bad dreams. I do not remember much, but people were threatening to have me arrested for trespassing. Eventually I started saying that I had as much right as anyone else to be where I was. I do not remember where I was in the dreams. I also dreamt about not having a place to live (I don't have a lot of time left at the homeless shelter where I am living, so I do need to find a new home soon.) I cannot remember the rest of my dreams, but I do remember a sense of foreboding but not giving up.

Вчера вечером у меня были плохие сны. Я не очень много помню, но люди угрожали арестовать меня за вторжение. В конце концов я начал говорить, что у меня было такое же право, как и все, чтобы быть там, где я был. Я не помню, где я был во сне. Я также мечтал о том, чтобы не иметь места для жизни (у меня не осталось много времени в приюте для бездомных, где я живу, поэтому мне нужно скоро найти новый дом.) Я не могу вспомнить остальные мои мечты , но я помню чувство предчувствия, но не сдавался.

Вчора ввечері я мав погані мрії. Я багато не пам'ятаю, але люди загрожували заарештувати мене за порушення. Врешті-решт, я почав говорити про те, що маю так само добре, як і будь-який інший, де я був. Я не пам'ятаю, де я був у снах. Я також мріяв про те, що нема місця для проживання (у мене не вистачає часу на притулок для бездомних, де я живу, тому мені доведеться незабаром знайти новий дім). Я не можу згадати решту моїх мрій , але я пам'ятаю почуття передчуття, але не відмовуся.

Letzte Nacht hatte ich schlechte Träume. Ich erinnere mich nicht viel, aber die Leute drohten, mich wegen Hausfriedensbruchs festnehmen zu lassen. Schließlich fing ich an zu sagen, dass ich genauso viel Recht hatte wie jeder andere, wo ich war. Ich erinnere mich nicht, wo ich in den Träumen war. Ich träumte auch davon, keinen Platz zum Leben zu haben (ich habe nicht mehr viel Zeit in dem Obdachlosenheim, in dem ich lebe, also muss ich bald ein neues Zuhause finden.) Ich kann mich nicht an den Rest meiner Träume erinnern Aber ich erinnere mich an ein Gefühl der Vorahnung, aber ich gab nicht auf.

A Storm Of Swords: Book Three of A Song of I ca and Fire by George R.R. Martin

I have read three of the books of  A Sing of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. My main complaint about A Storm of Swords concerns the length of the books. The post of the book has lots of twists. I am happy with some of the developments and unhappy with others. At times the alternate spelling of words gets to be annoying. Some of the characters use catch phrases too often. I took a break from reading the book at page 659 when I discovered that part of a page was missing from the copy that I had borrowed from the library. I think this book could have been broken up into two books. Fortunately the fourth book is not as long. It is still long. Well, back to this book, I have grown fond of some of the characters, and I have grown to despise some of the others. I do find some things about these books annoying, but I still find them entertaining. I look forward to reading A Feast for Crows, the next book.

"The Last Days of New Paris: A Novella" by China Miéville

While reading the diaries of Anaïs Nin that she wrote between 1937 and 1939 I saw The Last Days of New Paris: A Novella by China Miéville in the library.  The novella takes place in an alternate Paris. It takes place in 1950 and 1941. During and after World War II. The Surrealists are resistance fighters against the Nazis. There are surrealist pieces of art that have come to life. There are also "exquisite corpses," which were based on drawings art works that were collaborative games done by surrealist artists and writers. I want to read more of  China Miéville's books. It does remind me of the writings of the surrealists, but it is a bit watered down. I have been interested in surrealist and dadaist art for a long time. I also like the author's politics.

"Collages" by Anaïs Nin

Collages is a novel by Anaïs Nin. It was published in 1964. The title describes the style of the structure of the novel and artwork described in the novel. The main character, Renate, grew up in Vienna. She travels with a man named Bruce. They travel together and separately. In one place in the book she encounters him kneeling in front of a Mexican boy. It is not explicitly stated what he is doing, but I got the impression that he was giving him a blow job. In the story line there are pieces of art and articles of clothing that are or could resemble collages. There seems to be connection between the sections of the novel, but the connection is implied. The novel ends with someone reading the opening sentences of the book from a novel that she had written. The style of this novel is more conventional than fiction that I have read by Anaïs Nin, but it still very original. It is a book that can easily be read in one sitting.

Feeling Less Depressed

Since I have been taking an anti-seizure medication I am less depressed. The neurologist thought that the depression was caused by other things. Stress about money lack of a home had contributed to it, but I could tell that the main cause was chemical. After a week of taking a new medication I am feeling much better. I am better able to deal with other problems. I still have other problems, but I am able to handle them better. I can usually tell what the source of my mood changes are. I have some very good friends, and that helps too.

A Book by Anaïs Nin and a Book by Henry Miller

I just finished collections of writings by Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller. The former is entitled In Favor of the Sensitive Man and Other Essays and the latter is The Cosmological Eye. I am interested in the writings of both writers, but I find the writings of Anaïs Nin more interesting. They both seemed to have lived their lives to the full. Anaïs Nin seemed to have more of a knowledge of twentieth century writers. I want to read more of the fiction of both authors. Both books make me want to learn more about the subjects of the essays that are included in these books. Henry Miller's book includes surrealistic pieces of fiction. Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller were sexually lovers as well as collaborators in other ways. They were important figures in twentieth-century literature.

"Nearer the Moon" from "A Journal of Love" by Anaïs Nin

I have not read the expurgated diaries of Anaïs Nin. I started reading her unexpurgated diaries after seeing the film "Henry and June," which was based on some of these diaries. Previously I had read some of her erotica, Delta of Venus and Little Birds. I am inspired by her attitude about truly living. With time she seemed to be truly alive. I would love to enjoy living as much as she seemed to have done. She did not not let herself be limited by inhibitions. At the same time she was careful not to hurt the people whom she loved. She was a wrote books that demonstrated an original style. She was a well-rounded person. She did not need to try to impress anyone. She impressed people simply by being herself. I am reading a collection of her essays, and I am going to read another of her novels. I do not always agree with her opinions, but I enjoy reading her writing.

Anaïs Nin and Djuna Barnes

Anaïs Nin and Djuna Barnes are two of my favorite authors. Anaïs Nin is mostly known for her diaries and her erotica. She also wrote atmospheric novels. Her novels remind me of the writings of Djuna Barnes. The writings of both of these women are underappreciated. They wrote in very original styles. I wish I could achieve the mastery of language that they did. Most other writing seems bland in comparison. This is especially true concerning my own writing. I am reading a volume of Anaïs Nin's unexpurgated diaries now.

"The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star" by Nikki Sixx with Ian Gittins

The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star by Nikki Sixx and Ian Gittins is compelling reading. Nikki Sixx said that he hoped that he hoped that the book would keep its readers from wanting to do drugs. I am not sure that it would be successful. It might make people not want to do drugs to excess. At one place he said something about the possibility of the diaries being published as a book. His main goal when he was writing the diaries was not publication. In the diaries he wrote about dealing with depression and how depression can make daily living more difficult. With depression simple tasks like taking care of personal hygiene and getting out of bed can be difficult. There are commentaries from Nikki Sixx and other people in the book. I got the book from a public library. I would like to find a copy of the book to purchase. The only problem I have with the book is that it is poorly assembled and has a tendency to fall apart. I have heard that this is true about hardback and paperback copies.

Addiction Part Two (Adult Content)

I did not realize until recently that I have been addicted to needles for a long time. For a long time I have enjoyed seeing a needle going into the vein in my arm and seeing my blood flow into a tube. I like the feel of a needle going into my vein. When I see friends shooting up I am tempted to lick the blood off of their arm. I do not give into that temptation, but it is there. Shooting up with a stimulant is even better. I have not learned how to give myself a shot. I am afraid that I would do too much. I do enjoy having a friend give me a shot of meth or crack. It is almost as good as having him put his cock in my mouth. The best would be for him to shoot me up in the arm then to fuck my face. I wish I could get a shot of meth now.

Addiction

For years I had premonitions that one day I would become an addict. I avoided this. I was afraid of becoming an addict. According to these premonitions there is a reason for which I would become an addict. I do not know if I would be considered an addict. I have been self medicating. I have tried cocaine a couple of times, but it did not do anything for me. I felt like I had not done anything. I have tried heroin twice. The first time my heart started beating intensely. Then it seemed like I was watching a slow motion film in reverse where I saw each frame of film. After that I felt like I was going to regurgitate. Eventually I felt like I was going to pass out. It was not a pleasant experience at all. The second time I tried it I was completely wired. I felt good, but there are drugs that make me feel better and are less dangerous. I need to be careful not to try heroin again. I need something to stop my depression. Addiction still scares me somewhat. I don't want to die from an overdose, but I am not ready to stop using.

A Clash of Kings: Book Two of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin

I just finished reading A Clash of Kings the second book of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I am still enjoying the books, but I think that the books could have been broken down into shorter volumes. I still want to see how the plot and characters develop. I have favorite characters, and there are characters who are meant to be despised. Fortunately the plot is not predictable. The characters are multi faceted. I am going to read  The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx before I read A Storm of Swords, the third book of A Song of Ice and Fire.

"Dancing Naked in the Mind Field" by Kary Mullis

As I mentioned before, I did not know that I had a cousin named Kary before he won the Nobel Prize in 1993. Looking at his photo I can tell that he is part of my mother's family. He resembles my uncles and cousins on that side of the family. I believe that this book helped my mother accept my sexual orientation. I think that she might have thought , "At least he's not like his cousin Kary. In the book he wrote about using LSD and other drugs. At that time I had only used marijuana. (She was upset when she learned that I had tried it.) Also in the book he wrote about controversial views concerning HIV and AIDS and also global warming. He does back up his views scientifically. I do not know if his views concerning global warming have remained unchanged. Also he wrote about a possible encounter with an extraterrestrial. The book contains amusing anecdotes. There are interesting scientific sections too. This book makes me feel less alone in my family. There are other eccentrics in the family, but I do not know if any others have experimented with drugs. The book was published in 1998.

A Little Family History

I may have written about some of these things previously, but I'm not sure.

When I was growing up the only occasions on which my father ate with the rest of the families was on holidays. During the other meals he would sit on the side of my parents' bed. He would be wearing white boxers. My mother would take his food to him. Sometimes she would cook steaks for him. No one else ever ate steak. Later my mother bought me some white boxers for Christmas, because that was what my father had worn. At the time I never wore boxers, and I told her that. She insisted on giving them to me. She seemed to want to make me more like my father. This was especially, because he had beat her when I was young. I do not remember him beating her, but one of my sisters told me that she remembered that he gave her bruises.

I do not know how many cousins I have. I did not anything at all of the existence of one of my cousins until he won the Nobel Prize. I learned that his father had divorced his mother and married her sister. The rest of the family was not fond of his mother. I did not know anything else until I read his autobiography, Dancing Naked in the Mind Field. (I love that title, I will write more about that book after I finish rereading it.) As far as I know I do not have any female first cousins. I have three sisters but no brothers. I do not know if any of my cousins have died. I may have a couple of aunts who are still living. I have not seen some family members in more than thirty years. I know that my mother's brothers and sisters treated her as if she was not intelligent. This should not have happened. She was highly intelligent. She read a lot, and she learned a lot from what she read. She would say that she was not intelligent, but I would always let her know that I thought that she was.

I have been told that one of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence, but I am not sure if this is true. An aunt put together a history of the family, but he is not mentioned in this history. It is said that his daughter married into my family, but I have seen no proof of this. I remain skeptical about this. This is the history of my father's family. The previous paragraph is about my mother's family. I don't know much about her ancestry. There have been and are eccentrics on both sides of my family.

"Eight Seconds" by Jean Ferris

Eight Seconds is a novel written by Jean Ferris. The Movie "8 Seconds" was not based on this novel. The novel is narrated an eighteen year old guy who has been raised on a ranch. He goes to a rodeo camp where he starts riding bulls. While there he makes a couple of new friends. He learns that one of these friends is gay. Even before he learns that his friend is gay there are hints that he is attracted to him. At the beginning of the novel he has a girlfriend, but he is not interested in a long-term relationship with her. By the end of the book he talks about having fallen in love for the first time, but there are issues that are left unresolved. This book would be a good one to be read by people of any age who are questioning their own sexuality. It is easily read. I finished it less than a day.

More on Aleister Crowley

I had read that Aleister Crowley was bisexual. That is evident in The Book of Lies. There is a lot of phallic imagery. There are many references to a woman , Laylah. I am not sure if they were in a relationship, but it seems like they may have been. Some people claim that Crowley was a Satanist, but that is not true. Much of The Book of Lies deals with  the Tarot. I am not interested in getting involved in that. Mostly I want to find his Diary of a Drug Fiend.

Must Be The Holy Ghost - Jared Draughon

I read an article about Must Be The Holy Ghost, a musical project of a local musician, Jared Draughon. His music is mostly instrumental. Mostly he plays electric guitar and uses digital technology. I did not have high expectations based on what the article said, but I am very impressed with his music. If I get a chance to see him perform live I will go to see him. He reminds me of This Is Kevin, a Slovak musician. I do not want to categorize his music. YouTube is a good place to get introduced to his music.

The Book of Lies Which Is Falsely Called Breaks The Wanderings or Falsifications of the One Thought of Frater Perdurabo (Aleister Crowley) Which Is Itself Untrue

I do not really know much about Aleister Crowley, but I have been somewhat intrigued by him. The Book of Lies is the first of his writings that I have read. I was not able to understand parts of the book, especially the parts in Greek. I may spend more time reading it later. It was originally printed in 1913. It was revised in 1952 with commentaries. The commentaries are somewhat helpful. I would like to read his Diary of a Drug Fiend.  As is true with many people who are not understood there are untruths that have been said about him. I will write more at another time.

A Post that Was Difficult to Write

As open as I try to be there are still things that I hide from even my closest friends. I do not talk about them about my questions concerning faith. I keep my lack of emotional reaction to some devastating events hidden. I know that I need to deal with some things. It scares me sometimes how cold my heart can be. I am afraid of falling in love with my closest friends, but at the same I can feel completely indifferent towards other people. I rarely have any contact with my family. I do not make any effort to communicate with them. Part of that is because they do not accept me as I am. I don't know how I would react if there was a death in my family. I feel completely detached from them. I don't know how many cousins I have who are still living. Actually I have never known how many cousins I have had. As you can see I need to work on some issues.

"A Game of Thrones:" Book One of "'A Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R. Martin

This morning I finished reading A Game of Thrones: Book One of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I look forward to reading the other books in the series. (I have heard of George R.R. Martin for quite a few years, but I have not read any of his books. There is no particular reason for which I have not read any of his books other than not being able to read the books of every author. One of my closest friends told me to read the series, and everybody who reads this blog regularly knows that I enjoy being obedient to a select few.Sex is not necessary for me to enjoy being obedient to these men.) This book has engaging story lines. The characters are intriguing. Some of the characters are very likable, and some are despicable. One cares about what happens to the characters, and the reader wants to know how situations are resolved. At no point during the reading of this book was I bored. I may read other books between the volumes of the series, but I plan on reading all of the books.

"The Long Road out of Hell" by Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss

On the cover of The Long Road out of Hell it says that the book was written by Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss. I wonder how much was written by Marilyn Manson and how much was written by Neil Strauss. It is an entertaining book. It did not take me long to finish it. In ways I can relate with Marilyn Manson, but I don't think that I could take the self mutilation as far as he has. I do not know if I would want to attend a Marilyn Manson concert. I can understand him more after reading about his father and grandfather. I enjoy listening to his music, but I am not sure if I would want to meet him in person. He appears to be a well-read person. I definitely do not find him sexually attractive. I do not know how much he has changed since this book was published in 1999, but I am more interested in his music than I am his personality.

More Childhood Memories of Movies that I Loathed

I was reminded recently of movies that I hated as a child, "Mary Poppins", "The Sound of Music" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." I think that I hated most musicals, especially the ones that were extremely sweet. I don't think I ever watched "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" in its entirety. The only musical that I remember liking as a child was one that was based on Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A teacher had asked my class to watch that one on TV. The following she asked how many people liked it. I was the only one in the class who did. It was scary to raise my hand when no one else raised their hands, but I did it anyway. I do not think that I could watch those films that I loathed so much as a child. As a child I preferred things that were more offbeat.

Tired of Being Depressed

I'm tired of being depressed. People tell me that there is no reason to be depressed. I wish I could just stop feeling depressed, but I can't. Part of the cause for the depression is chemical. Medications that may cause depression in some people usually cause me to be depressed. Being around friends and eating enough help, but there is always an underlying depression. Logical decisions become difficult. It becomes hard to focus on anything other than the feeling depressed. Some days just refraining from committing suicide is difficult. I definitely do not plan on killing myself, but I do think about it. I am not going to give up. On Thursday I will see a neurologist concerning my medication. I am doing everything that I can to fight this depression.

"The Fireman" by Joe Hill

The Fireman by Joe Hill starts well, but it becomes tedious. Joe Hill is the son of Stephen King, and part of the main theme, a spore that is causing people to burst into flames after they appear to have black and gold tattoos. Too many people are compared to celebrities and characters from film and fiction. It seems like the author was too lazy to come up with original characters. The book is much too long. It is 747 pages. There are books that are this long that keep one's interest. This is not one of those books. I wanted to see how the story ended, and I was disappointed. This is one of the least original books that I have ever read.

Brief Post About Feelings

Sometimes my feelings are in extremes. Either I love people strongly or I am indifferent to them. I can go from loving someone to feeling indifferent about them if they hurt me intentionally. There have been times when everyone around me are deeply affected by an event, and I am completely unmoved. I do not think that I would intentionally hurt anyone, but it scares me that the seed for that possibility is within me. I want to focus on doing good for the people whom I love.  I do anything that I can for these people. It makes me feel good to make the people whom I love feel good. I enjoy pleasing men sexually, but I also enjoy doing pleasing people in other ways even when there is little possibility of my getting their cocks in my mouth. I just have to be careful not to hurt anyone after my feelings toward them have become ice cold.

"Bittersweet: A Novel" by Miranda Beverley-Whittemore

Bittersweet: A Novel by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore has a compelling story, but the writing is uneven. The descriptions seem overwrought in places. Inanimate objects are often imbued with too much meaning. I did not want to set this novel aside before finishing reading it, but I was tempted at times to set it aside or donate it to Goodwill without finishing it. There were some things that seemed to be included for shock value. Mostly I did enjoy it, but at times it seemed like the author did not know what kind of book she wanted to write. In places it is literary, and at others it was like a romance novel. I do not condemn or praise the book. It is not a book that I will reread, and I probably will donate it somewhere.

"Angelmaker" by Nick Harkaway

Angelmaker by Nick Harkaway is one of the most entertaining novels that I have ready recently. It has been called a spy thriller. That is an oversimplification. It has wonderfully dark humor. It does have elements of a thriller. It is definitely a page turner. After reading this book I want to read more by Mr. Harkaway. It is not perfect, but I enjoyed about 99% of the book. Normally I would not refer to percentages when writing about a novel, but it seems almost appropriate when writing about this book. The "good guys" are very likable, and the villains are nicely despicable. Almost all of the plot twists are enjoyable. I always enjoy finding an author whose writing I enjoy this much. I highly recommend this book.

Legalize Drugs

Illegal drugs are often blamed for the violence associated with them. I think that if most of these drugs were legalized there would be a lot less violence connected with them. Much of the violence is connected with the underground marketing system that is in place because of the prohibition. Regulation of these drugs would be easier if they could be sold on the open market. I did not adopt this point of view from a desire to be able to obtain some of these drugs more easily. It has long been my point of view. There are people who become violent under the influence of alcohol. I would not be surprised if alcohol caused more violent behavior than other drugs. Also there are probably more legal prescribed psychotropic medications that cause violence than there are illicit drugs that cause that kind of behavior. Of course with the legalization of these drugs education about the dangers of addiction would be needed. The same education is needed in regarded the addictive possibility of prescribed drugs. Whether or not to use these substances should be up to the individuals not the government.

I Am a Submissive Bitch (Adult Content)

I am a submissive bitch, and I am happy that I am. I only suck the cocks of men who let me know that they want me to suck them off. It is still a turn-on to pay a guy to be able to suck his cock and swallow his cum and pee. I still prefer for him to approach and say that he wants for this to happen. I would feel too creepy to approach a guy with this request. I am not saying anything against men who do that, but it is just not who I am. I do have trouble with guys who keep asking after they have been turned down. Whether or not there is money involved the idea of a guy wanting to put his cock in my mouth turns me on a lot. I can shoot a large load thinking about that. I am a professional asshole, but I am also a submissive bitch. I have a multi-faceted personality.

More Childhood Memories

I remember that, as a child, I grew to hate several television programs and movies that my family watched annually or more frequently. Some of these I still avoid watching. "The Wizard of Oz" was something I came to despise. At Halloween and Christmas I cam to dread "The Peanuts" holiday specials. I came not to be able to tolerate "I Love Lucy." I know that these are considered classics, but it seemed like I was almost forced to watch them. Even as a child I wanted to have some control over what I watched on TV or to what music I listened. Fortunately I was able to avoid watching TV westerns. If I had been forced to watch them it would have been a form of torture. There are films that I enjoy watching multiple times as an adult, but they are ones that I choose. Enjoying things that are not in the mainstream is just a part of who I am. Back to the theme of this post, "The Honeymooners" was another program that I never could tolerate. I am not sure if it was because of the threat of spousal abuse, but for me it was something that I have always avoided. I have heard it said that children enjoy watching the same things repeatedly. That was definitely not true concerning me.

Feeling Frustrated

I was excited yesterday evening, because I thought that I was going to be able to move in with my best friend. I thought it was going to happen today. I found out this morning that it's not going to happen. I am not giving up, but I am feeling down. In the last few weeks the times that we have planned on getting together something has happened to keep the meetings from taking place. I hope that we can see each other soon. I know that he is a good friend. I know that as soon as it is possible we will see each other. We are good for each other. He has helped more than any other friend ever has.

I Need Anti-Seizure Medication that Will not Cause Depression

I am still trying to get my anti-seizure medication situation straightened out. I need something that will stop the seizures without causing depression. Marijuana would be the best solution, but it is not legal in North Carolina. It is available in pill form here but only for those for whom nothing else works. Maybe they will be able to prescribe it. The US government proved in tests seventy years ago that marijuana can stop seizures. They still made it illegal. It has many health benefits, but the government would prefer keeping it illegal. It needs to be made illegal nationwide. The US government has no interest in making sure that the country's population is healthy. They want to keep the big pharmaceutical companies happy. Depression is not something that I want to fuck around with. My health providers are not interested in fixing this in a timely manner. If I had a lot of money this would not be a problem.