Feeling Uneasy

Today I am going to go to a service at a church that I used to attend. I am somewhat nervous about this. I started feeling uncomfortable there. It is one of the churches in this city that I helped to start, but people started treating me like an outsider when I returned after I had lived in another city. People tended to believe rumors they heard about and judging me based on these rumors instead of asking if the rumor were true. I lived in a house close to the church, and some people would watch to see what I was doing. They said that they were worried about me. If they were worried about me they could talk to me instead of spying on me. I have since I attended this church years ago. I changed my name. The people at the church still call me Bruce. Most of the friends I have now call me Vlk. I do not think that they are bad people. They are doing the best that they can. I don't know how they will receive me. I would like to be be wearing better clothes. I haven't shaved or had my hair cut since April. I hope that they do not judge me by my outward appearance. I hope they do not judge me at all. I hope we can all accept each other as we are. It may be time for me to move on, but I want to remain friends with some of the people at the church.

"Address Unknown" by Kressmann Taylor

"Address Unknown" was a powerful story that was first published in Story Magazine in 1938. The publisher of the magazine and the author's husband thought that the story was too strong to appear under a woman's name. I do not understand. Women had been publishing strong literature under their own names for years at that time. The author's name was Kathrine Kressman Taylor. It was an indictment of the Nazis in Germany. The magazine in which it was published quickly sold out. It has since been published in several languages. The author published other works, and she became a professor of creative writing. She was the first  woman to be granted tenure at Gettysburg College.

Clouds from a twisted perspective

The other day I saw clouds that looked like the ones that some people say look like Jesus. Then after a minute I looked again, and the clouds looked like a man with a beard (maybe Moses) who was getting ready to masturbate. Then I looked over the building that people here call the city's cock. There was a hole in the clouds. This hole resembled an anus as if the building was going to fuck the sky. I must have a twisted imagination to see things that way, but I love having a twisted imagination...lol

A Couple of Disappointing Books

I started to read two books that I thought I was going to enjoy. I did try to like them, but I did not make it very far in reading them. They are The Giant's House: A Romance by Elizabeth McCracken and Best Day Ever by Kaira Rouda. I almost liked The Giant's House, but it lacks something. I can almost relate with the main characters, but too they seem to be types instead of well formed characters. The author was young when she wrote this book. She has talent. I would be interested if she grew as a writer. Best Day Ever is an incredibly boring thriller. The narrator is arrogant and seems to lack imagination. There is a description of the death of a couple of people early in the book. The author succeeded in making that boring. It takes talent to be this boring. I thought that some of my writing is boring, but even I haven't written anything as boring as this.

Somewhere Being an Introvert and an Extrovert

I did learn some things from Susan Cain's book, but too much of the book seemed to make things black and white. At the end of the book she briefly stated that most people are somewhere between being introverts and extroverts. I know that I have traits of introverts, but I also have traits of extroverts. I prefer spending time with friends one on one. From time to time I need time alone to recharge, but I also need to be able to spend time with friends one on one also to recharge. Being around a large of people can be draining for me, but it can also be something that I enjoy. It depends on the circumstances. If I am among a group of people who let me be myself without fear of having anyone say that I am strange I can be outgoing. It is said that introverts do not stand up straight. I try to maintain good posture with my head held up, my back straight and my shoulders up. I find it more comfortable. Often people think that I am taller than I am because of this. When I speak up in front of a large number of people, in a lecture for example, I tend to feel nervous, but if I think that there is something that I need to say I do not let that stop me. After having done this I feel a sense of accomplishment from having stepped outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel energized by this. I do not speak out unless I feel that what I have is important. I find that by not speaking often that what I say is more effective.

It is said that introverts do not work well with loud music. For me it depends on what kind of music it is and what the task that I am doing. If I find the music to be boring I tend to make more mistakes. Some kinds of music make some tasks easier for me. This is especially true if I am doing something repetitive. Music that was intended to be played softly irritates me if it is played loudly. I also work better with music if I have control over what music is played.

Yes, I know that this needs to be edited. I have more to say on this subject. I will write more at a later date if I remember to do so.

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain (updated)

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain, is a mediocre book. The title is misleading. It is about both extroverts and introverts. One of the things that I find annoying about books like this is that they seem to be aimed exclusively at heterosexuals with families. All of the relationships mentioned are heterosexual. I think that these books should be more inclusive. There also seems to be too much focus on business situations. The author went to a seminar led by Tony Robbins. The attendees that she describes sound more like people mindlessly following a charismatic leader than they do extroverts. After reading this book I have more questions than I did before I read it. It is not until the very end of the book that she talks about most people not being completely introverts or extroverts. I feel more comfortable one on one with friends as do most introverts, but I also have traits that most extroverts do. Too little attention is given to the things that I could do to help myself to feel comfortable being an introvert, but I realize that I am somewhere between being an introvert and being an extrovert. (I will write more about that in another post) This book fits in with the best-sellers that I mentioned in the post yesterday. I feel that people praise this book, because other people did.

Here are a couple of things that do not make sense. She wrote, "Even the Western God is assertive, vocal and dominant; his son Jesus is kind and tender, but also a charismatic, crowd-pleasing man of influence (Jesus Christ Superstar). Doesn't she know that there were religious groups who were very unhappy with the portrayal of Jesus in this musical? She uses this as an example of the portrayal of Jesus, wtf? She said that the editor of this book "has got to be most brilliant and dedicated editor in the business." Any editor that allows a paragraph to begin "But although," could not possibly be a very good editor. This is a poorly edited book. I had a hard time finishing the book. I kept hoping that it would get better, but it never did.

We need to use our brains for something more than keeping our skulls full.

People too often pay attention to who is saying something instead of what is being said. If a celebrity says something too many agree because they like the celebrity and not because of the content of what is being said. There are people who will  only read something if Oprah Winfrey recommends it. They think that those who are in her network are wise even when they are full of shit. I have agreed with her at times, but she is of no more importance than anyone else. She lost me when she started her magazine with her photo on the cover of every issue. If she ran for president I definitely would not vote for her.

When a book wins a Pulitzer Prize it is assumed that it is full of truth when some of them of bullshit. I do not know how some books win this prize. I have read Pulitzer Prize winners that were not about what they were supposed to be about. When we read any book we need to use our brains to determine if what they say is true.

Also just because something becomes a best seller does not mean that it is of high quality. Often the worst crap has been bought by a large number of people. Sometimes it is because of winning a prize or was recommended by a celebrity. There have been exceptions, but we need to use our brains to decide what is true and what is bullshit.

Submissive Control Freak

I enjoy being submissive for some men, but I am also a control freak. I am not submissive to just anybody. I enjoy being spanked as long as it has been discussed beforehand. Once someone spanked me without my permission, and I became so angry that I passed out. I want to be the one who tells me what to do. Once I have given the other person permission to tell me what to do I enjoy it very much. This does not have to include. Sometimes it is enough for the other guy to know that I would be willing to submit to him even sexually. I would not want to do anything with or for him that would make him feel uncomfortable. My limits would be discussed beforehand too.

I am definitely a control regarding music. At home I like to be the decides what music gets played. Certain men have the privileges mentioned above. I miss having my collection, because I do not like listening to the radio. The reason for this is that I do not have control over what gets played. When I have my music collection and there is someone with me I can usually find something that whoever is with me would enjoy.

I do like making other people feeling, and I enjoy pleasing some men. There are areas where I do not want to give up control.

"Abandoned" by Cody McFadyen

Abandoned, by Cody McFadyen, is a well-written book. The characters are three-dimensional. I was surprised by the plot twists. There are parts of the book that I found hard to read, but this was because of how believable they were. These parts touched on my inner fears. I did see one hole in the plot, but it did not distract from the book as a whole. I would like to read more books by the same author. I would not be able to read too many of his books together. I would need a break from their intensity. This novel makes me realize that although I do have a dark side it is definitely not as dark as it could be. If you enjoy books that show the dark side of humanity with unexpected twists I would recommend this book.

Reflections on Rick Genest and Tattoos

I just learned recently that Rick Genest, also known as Zombie Boy, had died on August 1. I did not know much about him before reading about him and seeing videos since learning of his death. I do not remember where I first saw photos of him. I found him very sexy. I just watched a video of giving a brief talk, "Normal Is an Illusion." This has been my view for a long time. I wish that I had known more about him earlier. He appears in more videos that I want to see. It is sad that many people will not see him as anything more than a freak. He was an intelligent man with something to say. Too many people look at those with multiple tattoos and see nothing more than the tattoos.

I do not think I will get as many tattoos as Rick Genest did, but I do plan on getting more tattoos. I do not want to do this in order to please or displease anyone else. This has been my plan for a few years. I have been stopped by the financial aspect. I can't afford to do it. I will gradually get more tattoos as I can. I want my outer appearance to match how I feel inside. Some people may think that it is silly to think of doing this at my age, but I don't give a fuck what they think. There are other things that I have been doing that reflect this line of thinking. I have slowly stopped caring what other people think of me. My current living situation is far from perfect, but I am growing to be happier with who I am.

"A Dance with Dragons" by George R.R. Martin

I just finished reading A Dance with Dragons, the fifth book in A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I enjoyed the book as I did the others. My complaints about the books are mostly minor. I wish that he would have divided the series into shorter books. This book was published in 2011, and we are still waiting for the sixth book. I hope that the author completes the series. It seems that the characters I like either die or do not get much attention while those I do not like get more attention. At times it is difficult to keep up with all of the plot lines. The style of spelling does not seem consistent. There are likable characters, and there are characters who are fun to hate. I want to find out what happens to some of the characters. I would like to see the death of some of the characters who have been in all of the books so far.

Healthcare in the USA

Healthcare in the USA focuses more on big pharmaceutical companies and hospitals making money than on the health of people. Ambulance companies charge too much for taking patients to hospitals, and they will do anything that they can to get money. A person can be unconscious when they are picked up and taken to a hospital, and the ambulance company can force that person to pay hundreds of dollars for being taken there. Medications and medical procedures cost many times more than they do in other countries. I have not been able to have the tests done to see what causes my seizures. Pharmaceutical companies have much too much power in this country. They contribute a lot of money to political campaigns, and those elected do things to benefit these companies while the people they are supposed to represent get fucked over. The healthcare system and the political system need to be completely overhauled.

An Introvert who Needs People

I am currently reading a book about introverts. (I will write more about it when I finish reading it.) I consider myself an introvert. I need to spend some time alone, but I also need to spend time one on one with a friend. If i spend too much time alone I become more depressed. I need to interact with a small number of friends. I do better with one person at a time. I tend to be quiet when I am with a large group of people, but I can speak up if necessary. I get nervous speaking out with in a large group, but I do not let that stop me if I have something that I need to say. Sometimes my words have more impact because of my reputation for being quiet. People know that I do not speak up unless I feel strongly about what I have to say.

"Angry Candy" by Harlan Ellison

Angry Candy, by Harlan Ellison, is a collection of stories that was published in 1988. My favorites are "Laugh Track" and "The Function of Dream Sleep."I wish I could write as powerfully as Harlan Ellison did. There is an interesting touch on the title pages of the stories. Each title page has a drawing of what looks like a candy wrapper. In the first drawing it is unwrinkled. In each successive drawing it becomes progressively more wrinkled until at the end it is a ball of paper. This one of my favorite boos by the author. If you haven't read any of his books this is a good place to start. I cannot recommend his writing strongly enough.

"Deathbird Stories" and "Slippage: Previously Uncollected, Precariously Poised Stories" by Harlan Ellison

Deathbird Stories and Slippage: Previously Uncollected, Precariously Poised Stories, as should be obvious, are collections of stories by Harlan Ellison. The former was first published in 1975, and the latter was published in 1997. Slippage also contains essays and teleplays. There are some powerful stories. "Mephisto in Onyx" is one of my favorite stories by the author. It is powerful and has an unexpected ending. "Keyboard," a story of dark humor has one of the best opening sentences that I have read, "Chris Hudak knew he was in trouble when his computer bit him." "The Whimper of Whipped Dogs, " from Deathbird Stories, is another powerful story that is as pertinent today as it was when it was written. I do not want to give away the plots of the stories. I highly recommend Harlan Ellison's books to all readers.

A Post About my Best Friends

Three of my best friends are in jail or prison. My best friend is in another city. I hope that he will be somewhere closer soon. I need to send him money. I will try to write him more often. I miss him very much. The other two friends are in the local jail. I will visit them soon. Another of my best friends recently got out of jail. He is in recovery from addiction. I would like to see him, but I do not want to hinder his recovery. I know that he has been through a lot lately. I want to be a good friend for all four of these guys. They have all helped me. It helps to have friends who accept me as I am. I would like to be able to help all of them financially, but that is not possible. I can only do that for one of them. I will do as much as I can for each of them. I trust that they will not take advantage of how much I am willing to do for them. They are family. I feel very lonely without them.