Growing Up Over Protected and Trying to Overcome That to Find My Passion and Live It

I was over protected growing up. I was not allowed to do yard work, because my Mother afraid that it would bother my allergies. What I was most encouraged to do when I was growing up was to read. As long as I can remember I have enjoyed reading. I remember having friends with whom I played when I was growing up, but there not many. I remember growing up with the fear of getting hurt. I was always smaller than the other children my age. One of the many things about which other children made fun of me was that I was very bad at sports. I never had anyone try to help me to feel comfortable with these activities. I only had people laugh at me. I never had anyone teach me to swim. I always enjoyed playing in pools, and I eventually taught myself to swim somewhat. In high school I did learn how to ice skate, but nothing fancy. I just enjoyed going around the rink. My sisters had jobs when they were in high school, but I was not allowed to do this. My mother said that I studied so much during the school year that I needed to relax during the summer not work. It seems like a lot of survival skills most people are taught when growing up I never learned. I had no clue how to look for a job. The first job I got was as a receptionist in the dorm at college. The way I got the job was definitely not the usual way of finding employment. On Friday nights the guys in the dorm wanted to go to parties and drink. They taught me how to answer the phone, use the intercom, etc. I did not know that I was not supposed to do this. Receptionists were supposed to get the job through the financial aid office. I did this a couple of times during my first semester. The dorm counselor should not have allowed me to do this. Anyway, I did a good job at it the times that I did it, and I was hired through the proper channels for the spring semester. Still I was not allowed to work during the summer. My father had died while I was in high school, and I got Social Security payments from that until I was twenty-one. When I reached that age I was no longer eligible to receive the money. I took a year off from school to find a job to make enough money to finish my degree. I did not have any luck finding a job in Greensboro where I was going to school. I ended up  moving back home. My Mother could not seem to understand why I did not have any job-hunting skills. What the fuck? These are not skills one is born with. I did eventually get a job at the cotton mill in town. I wanted to go to back to school. I was able to save some money, and I was able to get a federal school loan.
I mentioned earlier that I was over protected growing up. When my Father was sick with cancer his sister gave him an electric shaver. My Mother gave it to me, because she was afraid that I might cut myself while shaving. She acted like this would be a terrible thing.
I have mentioned these things to show some of the things that have contributed to who I am today. I did eventually learn some job-hunting skills to fit in somewhat in different work places, but it has always been like wearing ill-fitting clothes. I keep reading things that to find your passions and do those things. My main passions have been music, languages, reading, writing and sucking dick. I sang in choruses when I was in high school, but I am very much out of practice. I do want to get back into the study of languages. maybe someday i can write in other languages. I would like to be able to find a way to make a living in writing. I know my point of view of the world is unique. While I do enjoy sucking dick, I think I would rather write than try to start a career in porn at my age. There are older men who do that, but I prefer to please a man out of love or my own pleasure not for money.
I need to find some way to make money and to do it in a meaningful way.

Another Installation

More of my early writings:


plausible

he found himself at that particular place in his life where most people find themselves when they find themselves when they have reached that particular place in their lives where he was at that point. in other words he was in a jungle of abstract trees made of concrete looking for the meaning of life or a good cup of coffee for less than three thousand dollars.


public school

the first lesson every day would be breaking fingers and knees. this was followed by lessons in speaking with a phony italian accent with cotton in one's mouth.
after recess with pasteurized blood there was execution-style killing and needlepoint.
at the end of the day the instructor would be shot and the students would have their violin lessons.


the fates have fun

he asked is this the way to get to where i want to go
no you cannot get there from here especially with your hair dyed that colour
that's right, she said that ralph had the only pair of scissors that would cut a path through the trees
so i guess you will be late for the limburger festival that you were supposed to chair
he was arrested for using a noun as a verb, or was he embarrassed because he used a granfather clock as a sandwich spread


he stopped to make sense

four aardvarks in a tree deciding what to eat for lunch forgot that it was thursday and that noon had been cancelled
are you sure that facts cannot be used in fiction instead of oregano
a group of football players with true fallacies under their arms were roasted like pigs
why is this line left blank
he said he would be here, that is if this this is the right universe
if this does not make sense blame the editor, he ate all of the chocolate
neat handwriting is a sign of writing neatly
the wisdom of prime-time television is in the following lines of this poem






That is all for today....of my old writings that is.

more absurdity

Here's some more of my stuff:


punctuation

nothing came into town with  time on his hands. fortunately he had some industrial strength soap with him and was able to get his hands clean. however the lavatory that he used refused to function, because it had developed an inferior superiority complex. a jungian plumber had to be consulted to alleviate the situation.
in the meanwhile nothing was done.
simultaneously in a dimension next door food was being sold, even though slavery had been abolished. turnips were forced to spend long hours checking hats and coats in coal mines, this caused an epidemic of epidemic proportions. later in the week nothing, having grown bored, wrote a biography of boredom's nephew, drew. he did this on three thousand five hundred and sixty-two index cards. while taking a break from this activity he saw a group of people standing in line to stand in single file behind a statue of fred.
fred was one of bert's friends and was famous for being unknown.
the whole thing ended with a period
2/27/90


oh, shit

it was decided that only news that would have some prurient value would be allowed on the six o'clock news, making it more uplifting. thus it was that not another politician was ever seen on this programme, not even dan quayle even he had his nose replaced with vanna white's left nipple.
also as a consequence of this action marjorie was forced to sell her mobile home in dubuque to a tribe of tupperware clad pygmies who had won the washington state lottery.
did you remember to vote yes to answering maybe to the question are you male or female.
o.k. you motherfuckers where's my n.e.a. grant so that i can build a miniature of a water molecule using the brains of the leaders of the republican party.
a few days later on the six o'clock news the head anchorman, holding something limp, wondered aloud if the country had realised the impotence of the political situation in hackensack since vanna white had lost her right nipple in a game of solitaire, she suspected that she had cheated, she sneezed at herself and said that at least the left one went where it would not be disturbed by thoughts.
this story is now being ended prematurely to prevent the law against boring literature from being broken.

More later.

More Early Writing

Here are some more examples of my early writing, just little bits of absurdity. some of these were written using a typewriter.

oh no, not again

i woke up and found the music of the spheres stuck to the bottom of my foot. i tried for three thousand years to wash it off, but i had no success. i have spoken with a limp ever since.


letters one after another on a page

from the time that he was born until the time that he died he spent most of his time breathing. this sometimes got him in trouble with the highway patrol who did not like the competition.
three million years after he died, in a pawn shop on the edge of marcia, a clock was unplugged and time was temporarily stoned.
but six million years before that happened aunt jane got lost while shopping for an extra-large stainless-steel condom for her gynecologist's nephew's lover. she never arrived for the meeting of the committee that was meeting to plan to protest against discrimination in hiring against dead people with disabilities.
the next day was the day after.


a science-fiction epic

his goal was to protect the world from an invasion by an armada of women named bob. to meet this goal he armed all of the left-handed barbers in new jersey with paper clips, pop bottles and ben-gay.
however the invasion was called off because of a shortage of caviar on the planet ralph. instead the head bob decided to throw a tree-bark-tasting party.
because of the the cancellation thaddeus, the hero of our tale, decided to start publishing a newspaper which featured the news, but the idea was too radical and he could get no advertisers.
anyway the universe was eaten by a giant insect on its day off.

There is more to come soon.

Boarding-House Memories

I lived in a rooming house for a little bit longer than a year after getting out of the hospital. I do not remember exactly how long it was. There were people constantly moving in and out of the house. Most of the people I did not get to know very well. Some I got to know a little better. I stayed away from the landlord as much as possible. He was a homophobe.
There were a couple of guys who lived there most of the time I lived there. One went from job to job cooking in restaurants. He sometimes tried to buy Thorazine from me. Why someone would want to take it recreationally I could never understand. He drank heavily. One time the landlord was bringing someone into the house to show her a room. As they were approaching the house this guy threw an empty beer can from his second-floor bedroom window. (She did not move in.) We talked about music occasionally. I had vinyl albums, and he offered me $100.00 for one of mine. I later found out that this was about five times what the record was worth. He was living there when I moved in, but I do not remember if he was still there when I moved out. The other guy who was there when I moved in and was still living there when I moved out was also alcoholic. He had difficulty keeping a job. He eventually got a job buffing floors in grocery stores. People in the house would pitch in money to buy food, and he would sometimes cook. (While I was living in the house his brother went with a concealed gun into a bar. While he was there he got into an argument with someone. He shot and killed the guy. He died while in prison.) The floor buffer wasn't a bad guy, just not very interesting.
Another guy who lived there seemed like a typical redneck. He was a likable guy, but he claimed to be a member of the KKK. After he moved out of that house he moved into another rooming house. The landlord of the house where I was living heard from the landlord of the other house that the redneck really liked black. (My landlord started to say that he was gay, but he could not say the word. He said that he liked men a lot.) Anyway the other landlord said that he would frequently go with black men into their rooms and the door would be closed after they entered the room.
There was a guy I don't remember very well except that he would sometimes give me a ride to the grocery store. I do remember a funny story he told me. He was in a grocery store waiting in line at the cash register. He was wearing sweat pants with no underwear. A friend of his came up behind him and pulled his pants down. He said he was so embarrassed he never went into that grocery store again.
There was a young woman in the room next to mine for a brief period of time. Her boyfriend moved in with her. The landlord was not pleased, he wanted the rooms to be single occupancy unless higher rent was paid.  She moved out. After she moved out her grandfather was looking for her, because she had borrowed his truck but failed to return it.
A guy then moved into that room. When we met he said that we were going to have an affair. He talked about having girlfriends, but he was not dating his latest when he moved in. We eventually became friends. He talked about his being bi. He had not graduated from high school, but he had intelligence. One evening we went out to a restaurant to eat, and we bought a six pack of beer to drink afterwards. I had not planned on having sex with him, but I found out during the course of the evening that he wanted sex. We did have some naked time in his room, but he did not want to do it again. He started seeing his girlfriend again. She called me the good fairy until she learned that I had sucked his cock. Needless to say we did not get along after that. Several times after that there were times that he was supposed to have a date, but he cancelled the dates to do something with me. Once it had snowed, and he told her that he could not go out with her because of the snow. He then took me out shopping. The times he did this he would always say something to her about having taken me out somewhere. He was often very tender towards me. Sometimes I would be walking behind and he would unexpectedly turn around and kiss me on the lips. Once we went to a mall, and a lot of the time he placed his hand in the small of my back. He was alcoholic. (A lot of the people who lived in the house were.) His girlfriend started to be verbally abusive towards him. She would say that he would never be anything without him. He eventually developed hives, which later cleared up when he broke up with her. After I moved out of the house he was still living there, but we would still get together from time to time. I was living in a house with someone with whom I had hoped to have relationship, but it did not work out. Once the two of them had an argument, because I was going out with the guy from the rooming house. A few times we went out together to a secluded area of a lake where we swam naked. There were times I should not have gotten in the car with him driving. Once I got in the car he said, "Why do I get a hard-on whenever you get in the car with me?" When he took me home that night he went into my room with me and we took off our clothes. He did not cum. He said later that he was afraid that if he came in my mouth he would fall in love with me. He moved out of the area, but he wrote me a few letters. I stopped hearing from him. I still do miss him.
Well, back to the rooming house. There was another alcoholic living there. He had been married, and I seemed very straight. He would get drunk, and he would be belligerent with everyone but me. I wondered why he would still be nice to me when he was fighting with the others. Then one day he told me that the first time he saw me he had wanted to fuck me. We did fool around one time, but he said he realized he was straight. I think he just didn't like giving head. He moved out of the house, but he visited a few times. Usually he would say that he loved me. I lost touch with him.
There may be more boarding-house memories later.

Breaking Rules

Developments in the arts are seldom made by people who are afraid of breaking the rules. Oftentimes the rule breakers come to be seen as being part of the mainstream. Beethoven did things that were considered scandalous when he was alive. He broke rules like starting a piano concerto with the piano instead of the orchestra, the key in which a composition was written was not always firmly stated at the beginning of the piece, and he had the audacity to have a chorus singing in a symphony. Picasso, after mastering a classical styles of painting, broke the rules to do paintings now considered masterpieces. Gertrude Stein, James Joyce, Edith Sitwell, D.H. Lawrence definitely broke rules in their writings. It seems ironic to think that there is a long tradition of going against traditional thinking. I definitely do not think I am in the league of the people I have mentioned, but I definitely plan on continuing in tradition of going against tradition.

In the Mental Hospital

This is not going to be easy for me to write, but I need to deal with this. My memories of the very beginning are fuzzy with good reason. I wrote about my suicide attempt in an earlier post. After drinking the vodka and cranberry juice and taking the sleeping pills I got very little sleep. I just remember that I threw up a lot, and every time I started to go to sleep it felt like an electric shock went through my body. The next day I told one of my housemates what I had done. He called 911. I was first taken to the local hospital. Since I did not have any insurance I was taken to a state mental hospital. What no one bothered to tell me was if you were admitted to a hospital after a suicide attempt it was considered an involuntary admission even if you voluntarily went a hospital. When I arrived at the hospital I was taken through a series of doors that were unlocked for us to pass pass through and then locked behind us. I was taken to a ward where I was placed on suicide watch. I was still wearing clothes on which I had regurgitated. People kept asking the same questions, "Who is the president?", "What is the date?" "Do you hear voices?" etc. I don't remember how many times I was asked these questions, but I quickly got tired of it. One of the last time times I was asked if I heard voices, after repeatedly saying no, I said, "Only when someone is speaking to me."
I met with a psychiatrists after a short time in the hospital. We talked about the things that led to my suicide attempt and about my interests and other things. I had been researching the similarities between Dada and the Punk Scene in the hopes of eventually writing a book. (Since then there have been books written on that subject.) I also talked about my interest in languages. I also told him my work history. What he wrote in my files reflect his prejudices. He said that I was trying to make people think I was more intelligent than I was, because an intelligent person would not have had the jobs that I had had. I definitely was not trying to impress him. I was just telling him honestly about myself. He gave me the diagnosis of schizophreniform disorder even though I displayed no symptoms of this. He said he wanted me to start taking Thorazine. I tried to ask him about the medication, because I did not want to take anything without knowing about it. Instead of answering my questions, he said that if I refused to take it I would be forced to take it. Later I met with another psychiatrist who partially answered my questions. As I really did not have a choice I agreed to try it. At first it seemed to be beneficial, but after awhile it just made me sleepy and flattened my personality. After some time on this medication, I was switched to Haldol. That was a nightmare. Once when I was taking it I yawned, and my mouth got stuck open. It was open so far that the biggest cock could have fit in it easily without receiving a decent blow job. (joke) All I could do was point at it. One of the guys working on the ward went to get someone to give me a shot to enable me to close my mouth. Honestly it was pretty scary. While I was taking that I started sleeping about twenty hours a day. I was starting to feel suicidal. I told one of the technicians on the ward that I was starting to feel like hurting myself. I was immediately taken off Haldol and out back on Thorazine. (All patients in the hospital were taking some form of medication.)
In my files the psychiatrist said that I seemed confused when I first arrived at the hospital. What the fuck did he expect? I was still feeling the effects of vodka and sleeping pills, and I had gone into a situation unlike any I had ever been in before. I remember being given the Rorschach test. When I gave my answers as to what I thought the images looked like I just gave a quick impression without giving it much thought. I did not know that they were going to want an explanation for my impressions. (Later I heard Timothy Leary give a lecture. He said that the reason he left the field of psychiatry was that ha had felt that psychiatrists had too much power to change a person's life because of their own prejudiced thoughts. During the question and answer portion of the lecture I told him that it was still going on.)
I was given the opportunity to have a hearing to request to be able to leave the hospital, but, as I stated earlier, I did not know that I was considered to have been involuntarily committed. I thought I would be able to leave the hospital after a reasonable time. I was mistaken.
The hospital was a place where the patients were robbed of human dignity. One of the ways that this happened may seem like a small thing, but it has significance. The only razors we were allowed to use were single-blade Bic disposables. These are the worst razors.It is impossible to shave with them without cutting yourself. You could buy your own disposable razors, but any kind you used could only be used once then discarded. It is hard to feel good about yourself if you are not allowed to take proper care of your own personal hygiene.
I had to take part in Vocational Rehabilitation. We were given menial tasks for which we were pain less than two dollars an hour. The low wages were justified because it was rehabilitation.
When I was in the locked ward meals were brought to us from us on trays from the cafeteria. By the time the food arrived to us it was cold. It was bad enough warm. It was not fit for human consumption cold.
There were activities for the patient, usually things that would have been fun for children but not for adults. After these activities we were given "treats." Usually these were cups of cheap ice cream. Once in a while we did go to see movies.
The building the hospital was in had at one time been army barracks, but it was an old, depressing building. There were people who had been there for years. You could tell who these people were by the size of their bellies and their glazed expressions.
I was in the hospital for about nine months. I was told that I had to apply for disability before I could leave the hospital. I said that I would prefer finding a job and return to a regular life. I was told that I would not be able to handle a full-time job after being in the hospital as long as I had been. Unwillingly I did apply for disability. I could not leave the hospital until a place was found for me to live. The facilities where they tried to place me all said that I was not sick enough to move there. It is ironic that if I had been really mentally ill I would have been able to leave the hospital sooner. I did eventually get a room in a rooming house in Greensboro, North Carolina. I was initially denied disability, but I was soon working at Goodwill Industries. That was much like Vocational Rehabilitation, extremely low pay for menial work. I was sent forms to fill out about my disability application. Since I was working at a rehabilitation facility my disability was approved. I was in the mental health system in that city. Psychiatrists who looked at my files after the initial diagnosis could not understand how the first psychiatrist had reached his diagnosis, but I was continued to be given Thorazine. I had been told that there would be terrible consequences if I stopped taken it. If I did not take it one day I would just feel much better. Once I had run out of medication. I went to see my counselor, and she commented that I was doing so much better. I told her that I had not been taking my meds. She immediately called my psychiatrist, and he had me taken off Thorazine. On my disability papers for diagnosis it said undiagnosed. I was on disability for about eight years before there were any hearings about it. My disability ended after the hearing. The main question that caused the ending of my disability was one they asked what I would do if I found a piece of  stamped mail on the ground that needed to be mailed. I said I would put it in a mail box. I was told that that showed that I was mentally healthy, and my disability checks. That ended up being a very good thing. I soon found a temp job that quickly became a full-time job. This was after eight years of not working, and they thought I would not be able to work a full-time job after not working nine months.They were so wrong.
I do have interesting tales about the rooming house, but those will come later.

S.H.A.R.P and A.R.A.

There are two groups whose beliefs I share, S.H.A.R.P. (Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice) and A.R.A (Anti Racist Action). The latter also stands against sexism and homophobia. A.R.A has confronted, sometimes violently, white-supremacist groups. I first learned about them from a compilation cd of hardcore music that they put out. I have long been a fan of hardcore music, and I was happy to see that they take stands against sexism and homophobia. There have been times when they were able to get racist groups to abandon their protests simply by taking a stand against them and refusing to back down. I became aware of S.H.A.R.P. from a young punk friend in the late 1990s. They also have put out hardcore music. One of the things that I liked about the Dead Kennedys was their stands against the same things that A.R.A. do. One of the few vinyl 45s that I bought was their single "Nazi Punks Fuck Off." Although I do support A.R.A. and their refusing to back down when confronted by racist groups I would prefer this done without violence except in cases of self defense.
I may be getting older, but being a punk is still part of who I am. That is just one of the many facets of my personality. I very much enjoy the juxtaposition of things that are not usually seen together.
(a note: if you are upset by my lack of punctuation that's too bad. I am more interested in expressing myself than I am in the placement of commas, colons, etc.)

Ramblings about my radical streak, religion, sex, etc.

I don't expect everybody to agree with everything, but I am going to be honest to the best in my posts on this blog. If I comment that some people might be pissed off by something I have written it is just an acknowledgment that it is a possibility. I am not going to apologize for my opinions. Comments are welcome. If you agree or disagree feel free to let me know. I hope I entertain, provoke thought or bring laughter. I have always had a radical streak. Rage Against the Machine and Dead Kennedys are among my favorite bands. In my opinion there is not a major liberal party in the United States. We have a conservative party and a moderate party. I tend to be a little to the left of the Democratic Party. I rarely discuss politics. I am in a state of flux regarding religion. From time to time I may post musings regarding this. It helps me in figuring things out for myself. I am not sure how much I will reveal about my sexuality. I will just say that it reflects the other aspects of my life very much to the left of center, but not not too far to the left. I am drawn between being in a committed, loving relationship with one man and being adventurous. The ideal thing for me to be able to travel between Lawrence, Kansas, Eastern Europe and spending time with family both biological and others who have become family. Maybe someday I'll settle down in Prague, Slovakia, Poland, Slovenia or Ukraine with a man with whom I can share love and who will help me to learn the languages I love so much.

The U.S.A. needs to become a democracy

We, as voters, need to get better informed. Too many people are too easily influence by flashy adverting or scare tactics of political candidates. Look at what they stand for, see what they have voted for or against or refused to vote. I wish the political parties would focus more on telling us honestly what they stand for instead of pointing fingers at their opponents. We need to become a true democracy. Elections have become based on who can raise the most money. We also need direct election of the president. We need to get rid of the  electoral college.
Conservatives say that many government  programs are socialist. Well, what the fuck is wrong with that? Socialism is just another economic system. It is not good or evil in itself. Governments can do good or evil, but that is also true with capitalism. Communism is not evil, but evil things can be done under any political system.

Writings from the 90s

Here are a few pieces I wrote in the early 90s:

#8

he got up in the morning and decided that he would make a career of travelling from town with a big fish sticking out of his left nostril.
pretty soon he was so successful at this that he did not have to worry about whether he should use a deodorant or an antiperspirant.
after a few years of this he was able to retire and spend this spare time redecorating the interiors of grains of salt.


bob

he killed language with words.he sliced its veins with sharp words and bludgeoned it with blunt words. ink covered the walls, floors, doors and windows of his mind. he was arrested for this action,but he had a strong alibi.He established that he was meditating on the big crunch with the aid of a buddhist physicist.
(2/21/93)


what happens when nothing happens

either she was swept up and carried away by the groom or she swept the room with a broom, the manuscript was untidy and the language had no scent,so the council was unable to come to a decision in this matter although it deliberated for seven years without stopping for coffee and doughnuts. her mother during the meanwhile rode away on a broom and started a photographic revolution in instanbul. if you are waiting for an end to this piece you are wasting your time, it does not have one.
(7/23/91)

I have other early writings that I may post,but I have to find them. They're in boxes somewhere in my room. One of my influences was the Theatre of the Absurd. These are not the best.. They are just the ones I found tonight.

Ponderings, Oh No. This Might Piss Some People Off, Oh Well

One of the most ridiculous arguments against was one dealing with the question of fossil evidence. I heard someone say that God created the earth with signs of age, like God created Adam and Eve as fully grown. What the fuck? So this would mean God was purposefully placing things on the planet that could mislead people. That sounds deceptive to me. I do not think that evolution and a belief in God are mutually exclusive. I do not believe that the creation story can be taken literally. There are just too many holes. I have pissed some people off simply by asking where the wife of Cain came from. In the Bible the creation of Adam and Eve is described along with their children. Then all of a sudden Cain's wife shows up. There is no explanation of where she came from. The creation stories work as allegory, but not as literal truth.
In places in the story of the Isrealites there are places where I am puzzled. In places God remembers His people, and after the years of slavery God heard the cries of his people. Did God go off somewhere and forget them for awhile? Did he suddenly think,"Oh,yeah I have some people somewhere to take care of?" What was God doing during this time? When God all of a sudden heard the cries, had God been distracted by something else? Just wondering. Some people get pissed if you ponder questions like this, but I don't give a fuck. I wonder about these things. Amusing ponderings.
Some fundamentalists say that the Bible is the literal truth. Then some of these people say that the wine mentioned in the New Testament, like when Jesus turned the water into wine, that it was not really wine with alcohol. They tend to ignore the Song of Songs or speak of it as an allegory. They do not want to accept it as a love story that verges on the erotic, For them the parts that confirm their beliefs are literal, but anything that does not fit with their ideas are not to be taken literally. They can't seem to be able to make up their minds.
Addendum: God gave us brains with which to think, not for blindly following anyone.

Three Odd, Brief Encounters and Another Brief, Memorable Exchange

Once in a mall I saw encountered someone I knew vaguely. She came up to me and said, "Hi Phil." then the said, "I'm sorry. I called you Phil, because Phil looks so much like Jeff." Then she walked off.
Once I was approached by a woman who said, "You're cute. I would like to see you eating a hot dog." She proceeded to ask for some money. I told her I did not have any. Then she said, "You're not so cute."
Once I was in a restaurant with a good friend. We were speaking in French. We were using what would be considered to be some very strong language. Some would say that we were being blasphemous. The waitress, when she heard us, commented, "How sweet." She definitely could not understand what we were saying. She would have reacted very differently if she had.
When I was in college before a class I was talking to a fellow student. She remarked that she was middle aged and did not suffer fools lightly. I told her I wasn't middle aged, but I did not suffer fools lightly. She said, "You're older that I am anyway." She then went on to say that I had an old soul.

Limerick

Here is the only poem that I have written that rhymes:

There once was a woman named Marge
Who went out to sea on a barge.
She saw not a thing
That made her heart sing,
But she said that she felt something Large.

Altruistic Asshole

One of my core values has always been altruism. Being an asshole and being altruistic are not mutually exclusive. Even when I considered myself an atheist I had the love for doing things for others. I have heard Christians say that atheist are not capable of doing good. I say this is utter         bullshit. Every human being has the capacity for doing good and the capacity for doing Evil. We all know that there have been great evil perpetuated in the name of God, and great goods have been done by atheists and people of other faiths. You may be wondering where being an asshole comes into this. We have to be assholes who would want to hurt other people, the planet or the living beings on the planet. Sometimes we have to be like Greenpeace and get in the faces of those whose actions could lead to the death of this planet. We need to take up the words of Malcolm X, "By any means necessary." I would like to be able to help others who are in true need. However I cannot help others when this harms myself. I have had people online who say that I am a bad person, because I do not give them money. Some of these people claim to be Christian. I am not going to give money to someone I only know through a website. I have no way of knowing if they are being honest. If they persist in asking for money and/or calling me a bad person I cut off communication. I will continue to stand firm in my belief that all people are worthy of love. To all who disagree with that I say, "Fuck you."

Misadventure with a Baba au Rhum and a Garden Hose and Falling into a Bush with a Beer

During my summer school In while we were in the Loire Valley visiting the chateaux. I bought a baba au rhum in a pastry shop. It was drenched with rum. Some of the rum spilled on my pants. We were in a park. There was a garden hose from which water was peacefully flowing on the ground nearby. I thought I would wet my handkerchief and wipe my pants a little. As soon as I approached the hose it started wildly moving. I thought I could turn the water off, but a wrench was needed to do that. Fortunately I did not get too wet before someone working in the park came to turn off the water. I was trying to be inconspicuous, but that did not last very long.  I was a bit embarrassed to go around smelling like rum. When we went to the chateau we were visiting they were cleaning the chandeliers with rum, so that people did not notice that I was one of the sources of the aroma. (That seems like a waste of rum to me. Rum is another drink I have grown fond of.)
Once I was sitting on a porch watching a friend practice fencing with a foil. I was drinking a Molson Golden or a Labatt Blue. I did not realize that the folding metal chair in which I was sitting was on the edge of the porch. When I started to get up the chair fell into a bush, and I fell with it. The next thing my friend saw was my hand sticking up out of the bush holding the beer. He started laughing. I laughed too. He apologized for laughing, but I said it was funny. I was not hurt. He said that I must be at least part red neck, because I did not spill a drop of beer.

Confession: I am a Wine, Beer, Cigar and Cigarette Snob

While people are all born equal the same cannot be said about liquor, wine, beer, cigars and cigarettes. I have said enough for the time being concerning liquor. I will not compromise on the things listed above, being myself, human rights and animal rights. (More about the latter subjects later.)
I tend to prefer French and German wines. I am not going to go into the details of flavor and scent that wine and beer snobs go into. I just enjoy them. People can talk of a hint of this or a suggestion of that, but to me it seems like they are trying to hard to impress people. I am not easily impressed, especially by bullshit. It's ok for people who people who enjoy that sort of thing. It's just not my thing. (I do enjoy reading Beer Advocate though.) I did have an inexpensive wine made from pomegranates. (I cringe a bit inside calling something made from anything other than grapes wine, but that is how it is labelled.) It was from Armenia. It tasted like an expensive wine, very smooth. I also want to try Mladé Vino from Slovakia.
The beers I enjoy most are from small brewers or from Scotland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Russia and Poland. I would like to try German beers in Germany. I am sure that there are better beers there than the German beers sold in the United States. I will only drink mainstream American beers or Corona to please very good friends. I cannot stand the taste of ice-cold beer. The worst beer I have ever tasted was an ice-cold Corona in a frosted mug.There was barely any flavor to it. My favorites, besides those I mentioned before are Velkopopovický Kozel, Baltika and Arrogant Bastard Ale. If I cannot afford good beer I do not buy it.
I refuse to smoke cheap cigars. I am too much of a wimp to handle very big cigars. I enjoy Macanudos and other similar brands. The only flavoring I might want added to a cigar is Cognac. The only cifarettes I will smoke are Gauloises, Gitanes or Camel non filter - well maybe Lucky Strike. I rarely smoke tobacco. I like my lungs.

Goldschlager, Grappa and Jägermeister Among Other Beverages, Dreaming of Drinking My Way Around Europe

This is my second post of the day about drinking. No, I do not get drunk frequently, but I do enjoy a good stiff drink now and then. Yes, do get drunk on occasion, but only with good friends. I enjoy sex without getting drunk, and I enjoy getting drunk without having sex. Goldschlager and Jägermeister are drinks I can enjoy any time, but I cannot usually afford good grappa. Surprisingly the best grappa that I have had was made in the U.S. I have not gotten drunk on any of the three mentioned. I have been criticized for sipping Jägermeister, but I enjoy the taste. What I really need to do is to take go to Europe and take in the beverages, languages and music. It would be great fun to visit neighborhood bars. It would work out well for me, because when I get drunk I have difficulty with English. If I make mistakes with the languages I can always say that it is because I am shit faced. I could start in Spain and go east from there to Russia and Ukraine. Yes, that is definitely one of my new dreams. One of the best places I visited in Prague was in a small neighborhood bar where there was an acoustic band playing, the beer was great, and the music was fantastic. The people were very friendly. Čau!

Want Good Liquor? Forget France Look to Poland, the Czech Republic, Russia or Ukraine

Without a doubt France has some of the best wines, but if I want good liquor I look elsewhere. Eastern Europe, Scotland or Ireland. There is Cognac, of course, but not much else. Grey Goose is overrated. There are less expensive vodkas from Poland and Russia that taste better. Grey Goose is for wannabe snobs who want to impress. I would prefer Sobieski Wódka or Hammer and Sickle or Standard. They are of a superior quality and cost less. I would love to try Czech vodka or something from Ukraine, especially one I mentioned previously, Babička. I think it's interesting that a vodka with wormwood is named Grandmother. I have had French Absinthe and Czech Absinthe. I prefer the Czech. Though I am probably one of the few people who prefer to drink it without adding sugar. I like it with nothing added. Under the right circumstances with the right friends I might drink it in the traditional method as a way of bonding with the friends through the ritual. I have a couple of Absinthe spoons that I have not used. I would like to be able to afford a good bottle of Scotch. Once years ago I was drinking Scotch with a friend from Scotland. He was drinking it with water, and I was drinking it neat. For me don't add water or ice. To add anything to it is blasphemy. My favorite beers are from Harviestoun in Scotland, they are the different versions od Ola Dubh. Ola Dubh is brewed in old whiskey barrels, 12, 16, 18, 30 or 40 depending on how long the Scotch was distilled in the barrel. It is a bit pricey but worth it. It has a smooth taste and it is dark and strong. (The way I like my men...well sometimes) I want to mention three of my favorite beers from Avery brewing in Colorado, Samael's, The Beast and Mephistopheles. I was introduced to these by a boss in Kansas. They are best aged at least two years. These are not for the faint of heart. When I go back to Europe I will definitely take my flask with me for the occasional sip.

Let's Reach Out to Each Other in Love to end Hunger and Oppression

When I was in school I was a member of the campus Jaycees. At first I was happy to be part of a group that was helping people, but I started to see the hypocrisy of the organization. The Jaycees would give points to certain actions. They would decide on whom they would help based on the number of points they would receive for the action. They were very fond of patting themselves on the back. They seemed to be interested only in making themselves look good, and not so much in really helping others. I got tired of the hypocrisy and left the organization. In the Gospels we are told to do things others, because in doing so we are doing things for Christ. I am not trying to be offensive, just expressing how I feel about the matter. Did Jesus say this because he thought we would not do things for another simply out of love for that person? If I do something for someone I do not want to do it out of any motivation other than love for that person. As much as possible I want to do things for others without attention being put on me. I know that I have not done as much as I could for other people, and I want to change that. I am going to stand up more and more for the rights of all people. All people are valuable and deserve the same rights. No person is more deserving than another. I cannot express the pain that it gives me to know that in some countries people are still being killed for being gay or for being Christian or for anything that might be considered a sin in their culture. Wherever there is oppression we need to stand up against it. I know I am a small voice here, but if we all raise up our voices together our small voices will become a giant roar.

The Mega Rich are a Bunch of Sick Fucks

Hoarding is considered a mental illness or a sign of mental illness. Well it if what you're hoarding is not money. What is money in the bank other than a number? The mega rich buy influence over politicians. What is their primary reason that they want this power? So that they can keep more of their money. Exactly what benefit do they gain from having billions of dollars? They and other rich people want to be sure that they keep their wealth. They fight hard to keep tax breaks for themselves. They are so afraid that their magic number will get smaller. They are afraid that the people who are struggling day to day to meet the basic necessities of life will get some of their mostly inherited wealth. They claim that by having tax breaks they can invest more in their companies and keep workers employed, but they hoard most of they money that they are able to keep because of these tax breaks. Many companies, like Walmart, have a large number of part-time workers. They refuse to pay their workers a living wage. They have mostly part-time workers so they do not have to give them the benefits that come with full-time jobs. Their employees have to depend on government programs to be able to survive. They claim that their tax breaks help the economy, but this has been proven to be untrue. When workers earn more money they buy things. They do not hoard it like the rich sick fucks. Some people say they do this because they are careless with their money. No, they do this because they are not obsessed with hoarding money in the bank. They claim that if the minimum wage is raised it will cost jobs. The only reason this would cost jobs is because the owners and CEOs refuse to lower their already excessive incomes. They ignore the fact that companies like Costco who pay their workers a fair wage have seen their profits increase. They ignore the fact that in the places where the minimum wage is increased the economy has improved.
Another disturbing trend is for companies to hire more temp workers. This is another way for companies to avoid giving employee benefits. They want disposable workers. They lose sight of the workers as people. For them they may as well be robots.
Workers who are happy are better workers. If companies took better care of their workers and gave them a reason to want to do a good job production would be increased. Companies tend to focus on punishing bad job performance instead of rewarding good job performance. A better approach would be to say to workers if you do a good job you will be rewarded your work. Instead they tell their workers if they fuck up they will lose their jobs. This adds stress. Stress does not lead to good job performance. It leads to low production and accidents. These end up costing companies more.
Yes, I would like to have more money, but not to become rich but to enjoy life and help others to enjoy their lives. I would like to have enough to share what I have with friends and with people in need. I want to have enough to take care of my health care needs. I would like to travel and learn languages and learn about other cultures too.
There is nothing wrong with having money in the bank in case of emergencies like health issues or job loss. It is when it becomes an obsession and hoarding money like the mega rich do that it becomes an illness.

Preserved Fish, Orange Dodge and Odd Accidents

People often act like giving children unusual names is a new phenomenon. This is not the case. There have been some odd names in my family history. In the late eighteenth century Preserved Fish was born in Massachusetts, and in the early nineteenth century Orange W. Henry Dodge was born in Massena, New York. So I am related to a Preserved Fish and an Orange Dodge. There was another relative in the nineteenth century who had a pet monkey. In her will it stated that she wanted the monkey to be put to sleep and buried with her. According to an aunt this was done.
I have had some unusual accidents. Once I somehow cut my hand when I picked up a basketball. I never knew exactly how I did that, but I remember that there were witnesses. Yet I once ran through a patch of broken glass, maybe a little over a foot wide, barefoot without cutting my feet. What the fuck? I cut myself on a round object but not on broken glass. Another time after I had had my hair cut and dyed I ran my fingers through my hair. When I looked at my hand afterwards I saw a cut on my hand. Once I was riding my bicycle out on a country road. It was a very hilly road. My front tire hit a small stick. I was going uphill, but somehow the front tire stopped and the rear tire became airborne. I was pitched off of the bike landing on the road chin first. I was not aware where I was hurt. I just knew I needed to get home. I went up steep hills in the highest gear. I almost passed out when I got home. My mother did not notice my chin at first, she just saw blood on my hand. When she saw my chin she had me taken to the hospital where I got several stitches. Another time I was riding my bicycle during the winter. I was wearing a long muffler. It had come undone. I was trying to get it back in place when I hit a parked car. I still have a scar on my wrist from that.

God Sent Me to Piss the World Off

I have worked at places where employees are told not to wear t-shirts or anything else that might offend somebody. I do have t-shirts that I would not wear in many places, but if we put too much energy into not offending we waste our energy. If someone is offended by the expression of a different point of view the problem is not with the expression but with the person who is easily offended. I have a t-shirt that says, "Fuck White Supremacy." I rarely wear it, but it expresses my feeling on the subject perfectly. One thing that I find offensive is seeing someone wearing a t-shirt with Christian symbols or messages while acting in a hateful way. It should not have to be a courageous act to wear a t-shirt in support of LBGT rights, racial equality, beliefs in different faiths or non-belief or different political views. It should not be a radical act to wear a shirt depicting two men or two women kissing.
I have seen things that  say "It's Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays." Someone who is Christian should have the right to say "Merry Christmas," but this does not take away the rights of others to say "Happy Holidays." This should be a non issue. This may piss some people off, but I have problems with Christian holidays being federal holidays. This seems to be going against the amendment that reads, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." I am in no way saying that people should not have the right to celebrate these holidays. I am only saying that I am questioning them recognized as holidays by the government. If these holidays are recognized then Holidays of other faiths should also be recognized. If this pisses you off, that's OK. To borrow from Eminem, "God sent me to piss the world off." I am a Christian. I know that not everyone will agree with what I just wrote, but if I lose friends over this I am not really losing a true friends.
I also want to make it clear that I do support the rights of Christians to wear clothing and jewelry showing their faith. I also support the rights of Christians to share their faith with others as long as they do not try to shove their beliefs down others throats. There is only one thing that I would want forced down my throat, and I think you know what that is (with my consent of course).....That's a joke, so don't get your panties in a knot.
Here is a quote from Brennan Manning that I think is very true:

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”

  

More Memories from my College Years

I did not really accept that I was gay until the end of my sophomore year in college. I always knew I was on some level. I was just in major denial. I mentioned before that the first two years of school I mostly just went to class and church. I had a friend in the dorm with whom I went to church along with his girl friend. He and I would meet together to pray. He started giving me anti-gay talks. His major in school was art education. I would sometimes help him with art projects. Once I posed for him for a sculpture he did for a class. I sat all night on an ironing board with my knees up and my arms wrapped around my legs. I was fully clothed, but he was very much afraid that people would think that I had posed nude. One of the things that puzzled me about him was that he claimed to be a Christian, yet he could not understand that I enjoyed doing things for other people. That's another issue though. Actually I think I did have a bit of a crush on him. Here is one thing that is hilarious to me when looking back: I remember him saying that we should pray not to be looking at female students lustfully when we were walking across campus and they were sun bathing. I thought that God was answering my prayers. I did not admit to myself that I really noticed the good looking guys. I do remember once a bunch of guys went streaking around the quad behind the dorm. I particularly remember one guy who looked like a statue of a Greek god. Later I heard rumors that the art education friend was not as straight as he had claimed.
Most of the time in the dorms I did not become friends with roommates. My first roommate was a redneck. We definitely did not get along. He sometimes would try to start arguments, but I would never give him the satisfaction of having one. Once I had bought an album in the university bookstore. He said. "I don't spend my money on things I don't need." I just said, "OK." He stormed out of the room. Later he came in with a six pack of beer. I had a different roommates the next few semesters. I do not remember very much about them really except that was a very handsome athlete. I do not remember how long some of them were my roommate. There was one who had requested me as a roommate, because he liked my first name. He was disappointed that it was not the name that I used. (It is not the name I use now.) He liked going to a disco with his friends, and I wasn't interested in going. I did go with him one time, and I did not have a good time. This pissed his friends off. Sometimes I would do things to freak him out, and he would go running to them saying what a weird roommate he had. I had received from my Grandmother a human skull that had belonged to her Father (He had used it to study it. She had given it to me at Christmas one year, because she knew I wanted it.) I used the skull as a decoration in the room. Between the windows there was a small shelf unit, and sometimes I would sit on it and read. It was while I was rooming with him that I started coming out. He was not comfortable with my coming out. He read Hustler magazine, but I never really believed he was straight. Anyway, I didn't really give a fuck what he thought. Once when he was leaving the room I blew him a kiss, and he almost had a fit. I just had a good laugh after he left. The next semester I was moving into the international dorm (more about that later), so he was not going to be my roommate again. I was surprised that he was disappointed that we were not going to be rooming together. I never knew why he wanted to continue rooming with me. We never got along really. I never hear from him after that semester.
I went to the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Some people referred to it as UNC-Granola, because they said it was full of fruit and nuts.

Americans Abroad: If They're Just Going to Bitch that Things Are not Like Home They Should not Travel Abroad

When in Europe travelling in Europe I can understand why people from the U.S. are not always well liked there. I remember In Paris hearing some Americans complaining loudly that the food wasn't like the food at home. Of, course it isn't. Why go somewhere else if you want things to be the same? The only people with whom I had any problems in Europe have been from the U.S. When going from London to Paris on a train and ferry I had to have a reservation on on the train going from London to Dover, so I got a reservation for the train going from Calais to Paris. The first train was full, and I thought the train might be dull as well. I got in my assigned seat. The car was mostly empty, but I got on early. I did not know if a lot of other people might board. An American prick came up and demanded that I move to another seat. I do not know why he thought he needed to sit where I was sitting. I told that I had the seat reserved. He finally went to another seat in a huff. I don't know what made him think I would move just because he told me to do so. In Prague I overheard someone I believe was American. He definitely sounded American, the accent. He was changing some money. He was yelling at the clerk saying that he wanted the same exchange rate he had received earlier. He was using very rude language, and the woman was trying to explain to him that exchange rates constantly change. I definitely wanted to go over and let the jerk know that he had no right to abuse her in this was. I wish I had done so, and I would if I came upon the same situation today. A lot of Americans say that people coming to the U.S. should know how to speak English, yet these same people want everyone in other countries to speak English when they go there. This is another reason I like to be able to speak the language of countries that I visit, or as much of the language as I can before I get there with the desire to learn more. This is also why i am happy that people in Europe do not think that I am from the U.S. Before I went to Prague a friend said that if I wanted her to send me things from the U.S. while In Europe she would send them to me, because she thought I would miss a lot of things. I explained to her that I was more likely to miss things from Europe when I returned to the U.S. rather than vice versa. This angered her. Oh well. I did not tell most people that I had not planned on returning to the U.S., but you know about that already.
As a side note, in the dorm when I was in school someone once put on the door of my room a flyer about studying abroad with a photo of a woman in a bikini taped to it.

Journal Writing and Absolut and Cranberry Juice

Once years ago I was keeping a journal to write about things that I hid from most people. I am now writing openly about many of these things here now. Then I was afraid of what other people would think if they knew the true me. I wrote this journal in French, Spanish, Portuguese and English so that most people would not be able to read most of it. I lost it long ago, and I do not remember what I wrote about. I think that mostly it was about my sexual orientation and things concerning that. I no longer feel the need to hide a lot of things I hid then. I may have written things down, but I was still keeping them bottled in.
I have fragments of what I had written as the beginning of a novel. I started this when I was twenty. I reread it later, there are some good things in it, but mostly I think it is boring, pretentious crap. I have some poems that I wrote in my twenties and thirties. I may post some of them eventually.
Here is one thing I have been hesitating to write about. Even in my most painful memories I can find humor. I had been going through difficult times. I had no money and little contact with friends. I did not know where to go for help. I did not know where to go for help. I made a feeble attempt at suicide. The funny thing is I tried to do this by drinking most of a bottle of Vodka with cranberry juice and a box of over-the counter sleeping pills. The funny thing is that I refused to do it with cheap vodka. I bought a bottle of Absolut, the trendy vodka of the time. Really, I was being such a drama queen. Really, if someone really wants to die do they care how good the vodka tastes. Oh, well, I still laugh about it twenty-six years later. (By the way I still cannot drink Vodka and cranberry juice, but I can enjoy it with other juices. I prefer Polish or Russian Vodka now. I do want to try Babička, a Czech vodka made with wormwood, but it is not available in the U.S.) I did get the help I needed. I will write more later about my time in a mental hospital and years spent on mental-health disability. It will not all be pretty, but I hope you will laugh with me at times along the way.

I am a Proud Open-Minded Queer Asshole

One of the things I am trying to do is to stop to trying to understand why I like the things i do and just enjoy them. I know I am much happier when I do that. I really don't care what other people think of what I like, but it does make me feel good when I share on Facebook something I like and other people say they like it too.  The musicians and writers I like most are unapologetic about who they are. That is why I enjoy Hank III's music so much. Joan Jett is someone else whose music I have enjoyed for years. These are people who do the music they want to do. I know that some of my friends would not understand why I like the writing of Tucker Max. I especially enjoyed the piece where he went to a wine tasting and gave shit to the snobs there. I love it when people who think they are better than others are put in their place. I am going to have a good day. It helps my mood to start the day by saying fuck anyboty who wants to stop me from being the queer open-minded asshole I am.

Jsem Hloupý, but I'm Learning

One of my favorite things is to be able to practice speaking other languages. I sometimes get nervous at first, but it makes me so happy to do something that means so much to me. If I can have a conversation with someone in French it makes me very happy. I wish I could get the Spanish-speaking people who live around here to let me practice speaking it with them. They have plenty of people here with whom they can practice English, but I have difficulty getting practice speaking Spanish. When it comes to languages my motivations are pretty selfish. I just enjoy languages so much. It makes me so happy when I can improve my understanding of Russian, Polish, Czech or Slovak. This is not to please or impress other people. In Prague it was so much fun to be able to complete a transaction in a store in Czech. At first if I struggled with what I wanted to say, I would say, "Jsem hloupý." Then the people would say that I was not stupid. It did help break the ice sometimes, and make both of us smile.
I also have had fun with people who did not know or had forgotten I spoke Spanish. Once in the dorm when I was in school I was in the lobby. There were a couple of South American girls talking. They had forgotten that I spoke Spanish. A good-looking guy came in and left. One of the girls said to the other, "Querría que vuelve un poco más desnudo." She remembered that I spoke Spanish, and her face turned bright red. More recently I was in a store, and a Mexican guy trying to be funny spoke to me in Spanish. I answered him in Spanish, and his attitude completely changed. He had friends with him. He got excited and called them over and said, "Él habla el mejicano." They asked me if I knew where they could find jobs. It became a pleasant conversation.
 Maybe some day I'll be able to learn Ukrainian and Romanian too.

Smelly, Dirty Disaster in Rhode Island

At the beginning of 2013 I met a guy on Facebook who seemed interesting. We starter chatting, texting and talking on the phone frequently. More ans more he seemed like the man for me. We started talking about my going to be with him. I wanted to visit him first to meet him in person before moving to Rhode Island, but he was insistent that I just move out. This should have been a big red flag for me, but I ignored my gut feeling that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. I was going to have to find a new place to live anyway. I had told him that I would need time to adjust to a new living situation, and he said that he understood that. He said we give me time. He did not keep this promise. I knew there was a man living with him who cleaned the house and cared for his son. He said that this guy liked to keep the house his own way, and I agreed not to interfere. Nothing was ever said my helping him with this. I was only told to let him do things the way he wanted. After I got there he complained to Jerkwad, the one that I went to be with, that I treated him like a slave, because I did not offer to help. The house was a filthy dump, and I would not know where to start. There were dogs, and their shit was left on the son's floor. Instead of talking to be the Douchebag want to the Jerkwad to complain. I knew that I would be sleeping between the two of them, but what I did not know was that the two of them rarely bathed. I was there for a month and the DB bathed once that I know of. I do not know how often JW bathed, but he slept in the clothes in which he worked. He had a professional job, and he claimed his employers wanted to get rid of him because of his age. I somehow don't think that was the main reason. He had said that there plenty of jobs where he lived, and he would help me look. There were few jobs there, and he said he did not have time to help me look. I did not know the area. He said that DB would give me rides to work, but I did not know what was close by where I could work. He did keep a couple of promises. He did give me a ring, he greeted me with a kiss at the airport and we did things sexually that he had said that we would do. That was not enough. He was a big talker, but he rarely paid attention tho anything I said. Communication involves listening as well as talking. Later he said that I just did not fit in. He made no apology for not keeping promises he had made. I had to close out my 401k to move. The only place I could find to go was back in North Carolina. That is how I ended up in my hometown without a job and eventually without money. I know things will get better. I will definitely try not to rush into another relationship. I am worth more than that.

It Is Better to Move Towards Something than Away from Something

I have found that if If I move from one place I am always happier if I am moving towards something or someone instead of moving away from something or someone. When I went to Prague, my main motivation may have been mistaken, but ultimately I was hoping to move into a new life in Slovakia eventually, I knew very little about the country, but I wanted to learn the language there and discover the culture. When I moved to Kansas I moved to be make friends with people there and to seek a job. I later moved to Rhode Island to be with someone I thought loved me. I will write more about this later. I moved to get away from him. I want to move back to Kansas to be close to three friends who are there. These are three friends from work who were not afraid of what other people would think if they saw them with me. This means a lot to me. I was very out at the job, and some guys would only speak to me if there was no one else around. These three never worried about that. I am still in contact with them. I know these friends would stand up for me if the need arose. Friendship like that is hard to find. Yes, I do want to move away from where I am now. Partly because of difficulty in finding a good job and friends, but it is more to be back close to these friends.

If They Cannot Accept Who I am, Fuck 'Em

One of the difficulties of returning to my hometown was returning to the place where I had so much pain growing. Yes, this was years ago.It is time for me to face it and let it go. We can only defeat our monsters of our past if we confront them not by running away from them. We can learn from our past pains. I might have been able to avoid some of the hurt from other people if I had changed some things about my behavior, but the inner pain that that would have caused me would have been worse. I would have been miserable if i could not accept who I was and I am. It was a great relief when I accepted being gay. I have been told that I try to be different. Why would I choose to be treated like an outsider most of my life? Even with other people who I thought would be accepting of people who were different I was marginalized. Too often we look at things that make others different rather than things held in common. I have know people with whom I have had common tastes, but rather than being willing to enjoy those things with me they focus on my tastes that are different from them.
One thing from math that helped me with learning languages and helped me in accepting things I love from other cultures was the concept of variables. We were taught that a variable was just another way of expressing a number. I carried this concept over into the learning of other languages. The mistake that many people make is being overwhelmed by the new language being different from the one to which they are accustomed. I just started thinking, so this is a just a different way of saying things. Things also helped me in accepting things that some other people see as being strange. Just because it is different from what we are used to does not mean that someone else may not truly enjoy. As long as we are not hurting other people we should all be allowed to be true to who we are. I am hiding who I am. To paraphrase Tucker Max, if they can't accept who I am, fuck 'em.

Putting up with Bullshit

At the place where I work I have had some coworkers be very rude to me, and I respond politely but firmly. I let them know that they should talk to me in the way in which they want others to talk to them. What does not make sense is that I have had a few of these people go to my boss and complain about me. I had one lead tell me that I have to tell him about these incidents to keep from getting in trouble. I don't understand this. It seems like infantile behavior. I respond politely to rude behavior, yet I have had supervisors who refuse to hear my side of the story. This is complete bullshit. I am not going to tolerate being treated like shit by people who would make a learning disabled fart seem intelligent.
I will write about things that have happened to me in the past as a way of dealing with them. It helps in the process of letting go. I have survived, and I have learned to understand the importance of standing up for the marginalized.

Let's Stop the Exportation of Hatred

I cannot understand why anti-gay groups are starting to try to spread their hatred to other countries. Are they so miserable in their own lives that they want to make other people miserable? They claim to be Christians, yet there is nothing Christian about their behavior. Christ preached love. They spew hatred. Their rights are in no way infringed upon by the legalization of same-sex marriage. True happiness comes from loving other people and allowing them to be who they are. The ones their hatred hurts most is themselves. What angers me though is that they go to Africa and encourage the despicable laws there. I do not have the time or energy for or interest in trying to tell others what they should do in their personal lives. It is enough for me to be myself. I am happy with who I am. I have no tolerance for extremists who want to force others to believe and act as they do.

If You See Someone Being Bullied and Do Nothing You Are a Bully Too

I have been in touch with people I was in school who said that they had noticed that people made fun of me, and that it had made them angry. I have refrained from saying to them, "Why didn't you stand with me?" "Where were you when only one person in the school would eat with me in the cafeteria?" I had one friend who would eat with me at lunch. There were a couple of people who ate with us, but when my friend was out sick they would not eat with me. There was no one who stood by with me when people made fun of me. I am happy to see the anti-bullying organizations that have been formed. Bullying is something that should not be allowed to continued. No one is less than others. We all are worthy of love and respect.
I have made a new friend recently. we have spent some time sitting and talking. It is always nice to meet a new friend. It has helped me to feel less lonely.
Sometimes time and a listening ear may be all we have to give someone, but they are priceless.

German Is Sexy

German is another language that I want to learn. I know some words and phrases, "Arschloch" and "Schwul." If a man really wanted to turn me on, speaking to me in German would definitely do that. I find German to be a very sexy sounding language. I am not sure why this is true, but it is. Some of my favorite films are German, "Echte Kerle," "Lola rennt," "Der Krieger und die Kaiserin," "Die fetten Jahre sind vorbai," and "Goodbye Lenin" among others. I have only been through part of Germany on a train and in the airport in Frankfurt. I would like to travel in Germany some day as well as the countries I mentioned before and some other countries. If people are going to think that I am German I may as well learn the language. To me German pronunciation seems very logical and straight forward. I have some books in German that I would like to be able to read. German beers may not be as good as Czech beers, but they are still better than mainstream American beers. (The only American beers I drink are from smaller brewers.) I would definitely like to drink some German beers in Germany. I believe I have some ancestors from Germany. There are some people named Schell in my Mother's family.
Other countries I would like to visit include Romania, Slovenia, Russia and Madagascar.
I love flying, and I do not mind going through security in airports.

Kurwa Mać, I want to go back to Europe

I long to be able to travel around the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Poland, Russia and Ukraine so that I can learn more about the cultures and the languages. I cannot explain logically my attraction to these places. I just know that I feel it very strongly. Seeing the flags of these countries stirs feelings that seeing that of my own country never has. I remember watching the film "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." The scene where the Russian army moves into Prague in 1968 was heartbreaking for me. I almost could not watch it. The short film "The Death of Stalinism in Bohemia" by Jan Švankmajer is very moving to me. Seeing the Czech flag being painted on items touches me in ways I cannot explain. I am embarrassed by how little I know about Slovakia, but I am drawn to its music and language. When I am very tired or drunk and I want to do anything with numbers I have to do it in Slovak. I have long been drawn to the music, literature, films, art and people of Poland. I discovered the writings of Sławomir Mrożek in translation when I was in college. In music classes I wan introduced to the music or Krszytof Penderecki and Witold Lutosławski. I first got introduced to Polish cinema by Roman Polanski's film "Nóż w wodzie." I then became interested in the films of Krzysztof Kieślowski. I am also interested in other Polish filmmakers. My interest in Ukraine was first piqued by people I met from there in Lawrence, Kansas and in Prague. This interest has been fueled more by Eugene Hutz and his group Gogol Bordello and his work in films. I cannot say with certainty that I would be able to live long-term in this area of the world, but I would like to give it a try.

Early Days of My Coming Out

I remember when I began the coming out process in college one of the things that made it difficult was the lack of acceptance from the gay guys at school. I did not fit in with them. I knew very few people who were gay, and the ones I knew in school tended to be very bitchy. They tended to look down on guys who did not dress like they did and listen to the music they did. I was more into punk than disco, and I had given up the preppy look before it got popular. I now know that the LGBT community is more diverse than I then thought. In school I got along better with the lesbians than I did with the gay guys. They knew that I was gay. Instead of helping me to feel comfortable with who I was they would make catty comments that made me feel uncomfortable. It was not until later that I met gay men who accepted me as I am.
I long for the day when coming out is not necessary. I would like to be able to speak about having a boyfriend and someday a spouse of the same gender without having to come out. I do not hide who I am. If someone asks if I am attracted to a woman or seem to say that I am attracted to a particular woman, I make it clear that I do not swing that way.
Too often we let differences separate us from other people instead of finding common ground.

Broken Communication

Over the years I have had people break off communication for what to me were odd reasons. Some of these were people I considered friends, and some of them were people I knew slightly or had just met.
There was the person I remember from when I was in a dorm. There was a girl who was a friend with my roommate. We were talking about music, she mentioned some music that she liked, but I did not enjoy. I said that I did not like it. She got angry and said she would not be friends with people who did not like music that she did. I was relieved that she stopped speaking to me. This same roommate had other friends who acted the same way.
Later when I was still in school I met someone from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. We were having a pleasant conversation. We talked together until the subject of our majors came up. When she learned that I was studying French she abruptly stopped speaking to me. Another situation where I was not to upset not to have further contact. If she was that intolerant I was better off without her.
There was someone I had thought of as a friend. We had spent a lot of time talking and sharing musical tastes. She was someone with whom I thought I could talk openly. We corresponded for awhile. She sent a letter in which she  wrote about a book with which I was well acquainted. I cannot remember what she said, but it seemed like pseudo-intellectual bullshit. I politely disagreed with what she had written. I told her what the author of the book had said. I received a very angry response in which she said that I was being a typical man in disagreeing with her. She wrote that if I wrote again she would refuse my letters unopened. I never heard from her again. If the roles had been reversed I would not have become angry, but would have been happy to get new information. I was sad to see the friendship end, but I felt that if she was willing to end a friendship over something like that it was not a true friendship.
Sometimes with self-righteous people I have asked them questions that I know will piss them off. It usually has the result that I want. They stop bothering me. Usually they are the arrogantly ignorant people I mentioned before.

El mundo es ansí

One of the books that had a great effect on me was  El mundo es ansí  by Pío Baroja. It dealt with a group of people who tried to find happiness by travelling to different places. (That is if my memory serves me well.) They sought to find happiness solely by changing their external situation without making any internal changes. This is something I have tried to keep in mind when making any move. If I am not happy with myself it will not do any good to move to another place. Where I am can have an effect on how I feel, but I cannot depend on others to make me happy. Being with friends definitely helps. On the other hand it can be necessary to change one's external situation in order to be happy. A balance is needed.
One of the unexpected benefits that I found on Facebook is being able to practice different languages. It has also been a lot of fun to meet people from all around the world. It has also been helpful in getting reconnected to people with whom I had lost touch. It has also been great to be able to post things there and have feedback from people around the world. It has helped me to feel a little less alone.

Not Trying to Offend, Just Trying to be Myself

I am not going to intentionally offend anyone, but I do not want to hide who I am to make someone else feel comfortable. I would love to be able to find a man with whom I can fall in love and share all of who I am. At times I have been a bit of a slut. Not so much recently, but that is mostly because of the lack of opportunity. I would prefer to have a committed relationship with one man. Maybe someday I will find him. I would like to find someone with whom I can share common interests, but who will not be scared off by my wide range of interests. I also want to be closer to my friends. To be honest, I miss having friends I with whom I can converse freely more than I do sex. I'm not saying I would turn down a hard cock, but that is not my only interest.
I cannot understand the popularity of comedians who make fun of people. There are many ways of making people laugh without putting a person or a group of people down. I love laughing, but I would not want my laughter to cause anyone pain. I guess I am sensitive to this, because people often made fun of me when I was growing up. I want to laugh with others not at them. Laughter can be hurtful, but it can also be very healing.

Fuck It. I am Going to write about the Shit that Interests Me.

I have been trying to write what I think people might be interested in reading, but I am not sure who is reading it, so fuck it. I am just going to write whatever is on my mind. I am not sure yet whether or not I will write about sexual experiences. Part of who I am is a sexual person. I do have a wide range of interests. Most people would enjoy some of the things that I like and hate some things. I am who I am , and if anybody has problems with that I am not going to let that bother me.
I know I keep returning to this theme, but sometimes it is something that interests me. I cannot understand why many things about the culture in which I grew up seem foreign to me, yet things from other cultures are more understandable. Before I was telling a man who cooked in a cafeteria about my plans. I am embarrassed to say that I do not remember if he was Dutch or Danish. Anyway, he asked me if I was going home to Yugoslavia. I told him that I was not from there but from the U.S. Then he asked me if I still had family in Yugoslavia. I told him I never had family there. He continued to ask if I was going to visit family in Yugoslavia. I do not know why he was so convinced that I was from there. I could not get him to believe otherwise.
I will write about some other things soon. If I write about some things that were painful when I went through it is not to get people to feel sorry for me. In even the most difficult times that I have been through I find things to look at and laugh.

No Parking

When people ask me what my sign is I usually say "No Parking." I started saying this as a joke, but I think it is true. In life we either go forward or backwards. Of course I prefer going forward. We cannot stay in the same spot. I do not want to stop learning, trying new foods, hearing styles of music I have never heard before, stretching my horizons. I want to travel and improve my knowledge of other languages. One of the things I completely enjoy is being able to practice other languages. I love meeting people with whom I can share my love of languages. I also love meeting people with whom I can share my interest in different styles of music. I cannot understand anyone not being willing to try to see things from a different point of view.I also enjoy challenging people's presuppositions. One of my favorite quotes is from Frank Zappa, "A mind is like a parachute, it doesn't work if it is not open." It is not possible to learn with a closed mind.

One Minute that changed my Life

Sometimes things that end up changing our lives can take less than a minute to happen. Twenty-one years ago I was attending an informal Mass on Wednesdays at noon. One day after Mass was over I spoke to someone I had not seen there before. He gave me his business card. I did not think that much would happen after this encounter, but soon we started meeting once a week for lunch. This happened on 8 September 1993. This would have been my Grandmother's 100th birthday. When I met him there had been about a minute during which I could have met him. If I had not spoken to him my life would have been completely different.
He was getting ready to buy a house and wanted someone he trusted to move in and help with expenses. I did not know when I moved in that he was starting a church in the city in which we were living, but I eventually got involved in this. During the time that I have known I have worked with him in starting several churches. Some of the people in the churches thought I was a bit too radical, but he has been a good friend since we met. He is someone from whom I hide very little. We still talk occasionally on the phone.We do not always agree about everything, but our political views are very similar. I am a bit more liberal than him in some areas.

Cellophane Tape, Lucio Dalla and the Beginning of a Friendship

I am listening to a cd by Lucio Dalla. His music always brings back pleasant memories.
It was the beginning of my third year at UNC-G, and a guy who was started came up and spoke to me. He said, "I am going to get some cellophane tape, and you're going with me." I did not know at the time that this would lead to a friendship that would continue until this day.
He had some 45's that he had bought as a child in Switzerland. One was "Insieme" by Mina and another had the song 4/3/1943 by Lucio Dalla. I do not remember what the other songs were. I remember he would sometimes sing parts of "Insieme."
He was the person I had met who would come to see me or to invite me to do things with him. Around the beginning of the fall semester his roommate and my roommate wanted to room together. We were roommates in the dorm for two semesters. Another friend and I went to spend Thanksgiving with him, his mother and sister.
We have gone through hard times and good times together. He was my first real friend. There have been times when we have not communicated, but I have never doubted this friendship. He and his wife are part of my extended family. My life has been enriched by knowing both of them.

Taking Chances

There have been few times when I have taken a chance on a big move in my when I fully regretted taking the chance. Things did not always work out as I planned, but I am glad that I took the risk.
In the early 1990s I moved to Winston-Salem, NC to live in a house with a friend. This eventually led me to getting a job after being on disability (more about that another time) and not being able to find a job for too many years. I knew that if someone would give me a chance I would be able to do a good job. I was able to do this, and this led me to feeling better about myself.
As I mentioned I went to Prague in 2004. I have no regrets about this adventure even though it did not end the way I had hoped. I have very good memories of the city. I was able to learn some of the language I had been interested in for years. Before going there I had not had a real opportunity or the motivation to do that. I was able to spend time in an environment in which I did not feel like an outsider. I loved the city, I enjoyed the food and beers there. It was great to interact with the people there and feel like I fit in.
I worked for a few years for a friend who owned a small publishing company. I thoroughly enjoyed doing this. It gave me the opportunity to go to conventions to sell books. I especially enjoyed going to the furry cons. These were especially enjoyable because of the welcoming, relaxed atmosphere. It showed me that there places in this country where I could fit in.
In 2008 I moved to Lawrence, Kansas after being urged by a friend to give it a try. I had visited there, and I knew there was the chance of making friends there. I arrived in Lawrence on a Saturday, and I had a temp job on the following Tuesday. This eventually became a full time job. I met friends at that job with whom I am still friends. I hope eventually to be able to move back there.
In 2013 I went to Rhode Island to be with someone I had met through Facebook. This was a mistake. I really wanted to visit first before making the move, but I had talked to this guy frequently online, through texts and on the phone. I did have some misgivings, but I thought this was the right move. In this instance I really fucked up. I should have listened to my roommate and my gut and tried to find somewhere to live in Lawrence. At the same time I did need a break from the job that I was doing. I am currently trying to find a way back to Kansas and that job. I miss my friends there. One good thing that I have learned from this experience is that these guys are true friends.
I keep being reminded of something from a Butthole Surfers' song. I do not remember the exacts words, but it says that the funny thing about regret is that it is better to regret something you have done than to regret you didn't do. I completely agree with this.
I am going through a rough patch in my life, but I know that things will get better.

Dreams

I have had dreams that reflect who I am or hope for. I have dreams that have no connection to my life has it is or ever will be. I have had dreams about things that later took place when I was awake.
Once when I was in high school I dreamt I was riding my bicycle up a hill in my hometown. I was riding and talking to someone I had not met when I had the dream. Later I met this person, but I made no connection with the dream. It was only later when we were cycling together and we were going up the hill where we were riding up the same hill that I remembered the dream. We had the same conversation that we had had in the dream.
At times I have had dreams in languages that I do not speak. I sometimes wish I could record the sound in these dreams so that I could know for certain whether or not I am dreaming in these languages. There is the possibility that I am subconsciously remembering dialogue from films that I have seen.
Once I watched a film in Spanish with Russian subtitles. That night I had a dream in which I was writing Spanish using the Cyrillic alphabet.
I watched "Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte" while putting together a jigsaw puzzle. That night I dreamt that someone had killed me and cut me up, and they could not find all of the pieces.
I once dreamt that I was giving birth. I was in the hospital bed with my feet in stirrups. I mostly remember feeling like I was taking an enormous crap. I do not remember the background story of the dream, and the dream ended before I was able to see the baby.
Some of my dreams are bad jokes. In one there was a woman who was kidnapped and being held on Mount Rushmore. A superhero went to rescue went to rescue her, but when he arrived there he decided to cut the nose off of one of the faces. He was arrested for defacing a public monument.
In another dream I was riding in a car being driven by George Carlin. We were in an accident in which I was killed, but it was not time for me to die. My soul had gone out of my body. I looked for my body, and my soul had to get my body's permission before reentering it. Then my perspective changed so that I watched as my soul and body kissed each other on the lips and merged together.
I have had some very boring dreams. In one dream I just sat and watched myself as I slept. Another dream was an Andy Warhol print of a house on a hill. That is all I saw - the print with Andy Warhol's signature.
I had dreams where I had accidentally got an undergraduate degree from Wake Forest University. These were when I was living in Winston-Salem. I also dreamt that I had recorded a cd without knowing about it until a friend gave me a copy of it.
I have also dreamt that I had fathered children. That is not likely to happen.

A Rant

People act as not being patriotic is a bad thing. I cannot understand the concept of seeing one's own country as being better than others. No country on this planet is perfect. The U.S.A. is supposed to be a democracy, but this is becoming less and less true. People with the most money have too much influence in elections, and how this country is run. Too many politicians are more interested in pleasing the people who donate millions of dollars to their campaigns than they are in helping the people they are supposed to represent. They seem to forget that if more people were earning a living wage, there would be more people putting money back into the economy. Instead, too many CEO's are earning obscene salaries while the average workers at their companies have to depend on government programs to be able to survive. These CEO's do not help the economy at all. They hoard the money they have or use it to buy influence over politicians. These same rich are given tax breaks. These same people say that raising the minimum wage would harm cause jobs to be lost. If this caused jobs to be lost it is only because of their greed. Companies that have the wages are earning more money. Costco, for example, is paying its workers a living wage, and their profits keep increasing. In places where the minimum has been increased the economy has improved. People feel better about themselves when they can earn a living wage and are not dependent on government programs.
It seems that to the conservative Christians freedom of religion is meant for them alone. They somehow see opposing views as being a threat to their own freedom. Allowing other people to believe or not in no way endangers their rights. Many want to discriminate under the guise of religious freedom. Allowing two people of the same gender to marry does not in any way effect their religious freedom. There are those who want Christian prayers to be said at government meetings, but they do not want to allow prayers of other faiths. In some parts of the country atheists are not allowed to run for public office. There are those who equate being a Muslim with being a terrorist. I am sure that the people who think that do not know any Muslims. I am not saying that all Christians are like this.
 Another area of discrimination that needs to be dealt with is that against people with tattoos and piercings. There are people who make assumptions about those who are tattooed and/or pierced. Some companies do not hire people with tattoos that be seen when they are dressed or with certain kinds or piercings. Decisions on whether or not someone is hired for a position should be based on whether or not a person should be based solely on whether or the person has the qualifications that are needed for the job. I feel the same way about people who have hair styles or hair colors that are considered to be the "norm."

Enjoyable trip to Prague Despite Going for the Wrong Reason

In 2004 I went to Prague to study TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language). For me that was a means to get there. I let a friend talk me into enrolling in a four-week course in a school. The school was a disappointment. People who went to the school, after being certified by the school, would be teaching business English one on one to employees at companies in Prague mostly. During the course there was one seminar on teaching business English and we had one session teaching a student one on one. The companies that hired the teachers certified by the school were often unhappy with them, because they were not properly to do the teaching expected of them.
Usually in studies and work I am very organized. It seemed I kept having problems getting organized for the seminars I was taking and for the classes I taught. The main structure of the class was to have a warm-up game for the students, followed by the main classwork followed by a closing game. During the main classwork there would be tasks for the students to do together. We were supposed to have them switch around when working together so they would get to know each other. There were some groups of students who felt more comfortable working together, and they did not want to switch. If we could not get them to work with different students it was seen as a failure on our part. Also when the students were working on tasks we were expected to have proper background music playing. This music had to start and end at just the right time. We had two instructors who were teaching us to teach. One of my instructors looked like a Romulan from Star Trek. She would sit at the back of the classroom with a severe look on her face. The other instructor was the type who could not make a point about our mistakes  and move on. She seemed to feel the need to go on several minutes after her point had been made.
I did have an enjoyable one-on-one class with one of the students. The school was across the street from the Staropramen brewery. The guy with whom I had I had the lesson wanted to have it at the brewery at lunch time. At the brewery there was a restaurant and a bar. I thought that since we were meeting at lunch time he would want to go to the restaurant. No, he wanted to go the bar. I had not eaten except for maybe a light breakfast. He stated that he did not want to talk about weddings or shell fish, as he had no interest in either of them. Mostly we talked about the superiority of Czech beer to German beer. Over the course of the lesson I had two beers (1/2 liter each), and having an empty stomach I was definitely effected by the beers. It was very good beer, unfiltered and unpasteurized. After the lesson I had a meeting with Romana (the Romulan). She did not seem to be fazed by my being slightly drunk.
One thing I did like about the school was the cafe. As a part of the meal plan I could have small beer with lunch. Some of the American teachers seemed to be shocked that I was drinking beer at lunch. While I was in Prague, I would carry a flask with me, and much of my time there it was filled with Absinthe. One day one of the guys working in the cafe asked me what I had in the flask. He did not believe me until I had him smell it. He was quite surprised when he smelt it. I would just take a sip from the flask once in a while, especially before teaching a class.
Even if I had passed the class I do not think I would have been happy teaching for the school. Most of the people taking classes at the businesses did not want to do so but were forced to do so by their employers. I was more interested in learning Czech and learning about the culture. I did not feel comfortable going to another country to teach English to people who did not want to learn it. I was able to learn enough Czech to communicate in stores and on the street. I definitely want to go back to Prague and travel around Eastern Europe. It feels like my spiritual home. I felt more at home there than I have in most places where I have lived in the U.S.A. I am glad I took the chance on going to Prague, maybe I can go back when I go for the right reasons.