Being Kinder to Myself

I am being kinder to myself. That is a big step for me. I have spent too much time beating myself up emotionally. I spend a lot less time doing that. I still put taking care of friends before taking care of myself. I am working on that. I still have the fear of getting fat. I need to work on that. I want to stay heathy through eating right and getting exercise, but I need to worry less about my weight. Whenever I get over 140 pounds I start to panic. That is not healthy. I still forget to eat some meals. I need to spend less time coming up with excuses not to eat. I need to work on getting a home and getting a new pair of glasses. I need to get started on getting disability income. It has not been easy admitting that I have mental illnesses, severe depression and probably autism. Mental illnesses are not something evil, they are diseases. I still have areas where I need to work, but I feel good about the progress that I have made.

Giving Gifts

One difference that an ex and I had concerned holidays and giving gifts. At holidays he seemed  concerned with giving gifts according to the calendar more than gifts according to the feelings of the heart. I may give gifts on holidays, but I do not want to give gifts out of a feeling of obligation. I like to be able to gifts out of love. Really, I would prefer to ignore gift giving on holidays. I might give gifts on birthdays. I enjoy giving gifts when it is spontaneous. I love to give people things without expecting anything in return. When I was in school I was told by a friend that I should stop buying things for friends, because it made them feel obligated to buy me something. I never could understand that. This is just part of who I am. I am still a twisted old pervert. This is just another facet of my personality.

"The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss" by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt

The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss, by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt is a wonderful book. I highly recommend it. I find myself leaning more towards Gloria Vanderbilt's views on life, but I almost always agree to the views of both of them. At times I found myself moved to tears. I was especially moved by the parts where spoke of the deaths of Wyatt Cooper, her husband and his father, and the suicide of Carter Cooper, her son and his brother. She is an amazing woman, and he is a great journalist. I can identify with the low self esteem of her younger days. There are many things in the book with which I can identify. I found it hard to set aside as I do with her other books. I think everybody can gain something from reading this book.

"Obsession: An Erotic Tale" by Gloria Vanderbilt

Gloria Vanderbilt is another author whose books are among the books I am reading or rereading. I started reading her books with her books of memoirs. She has always written exquisitely. I find her books hard to set aside even for a short time. Obsession: An Erotic Tale  is a wonderfully written book. I could have easily read it in one sitting if could stay in place long enough to do so. I found it difficult to put it down and go to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was happy to continue reading it. If I were heterosexual I probably would have started pleasuring myself as I read some passages, I have one other of her novels waiting for me to reread. I hope to continuing to read or reread others.

"Delusions of Grandma" by Carrie Fisher

I like Carrie Fisher's acting, but it is her writing that I love. I just finished reading Delusions of Granny. It is uncanny that there have been many times when something in the book that I am reading reflects something that I had just thought about myself or my life. I related to her books before, but I relate more to them now since I can relate more to addiction. She was able to write funny and thoughtful books. I have almost finished reading all of her books, and I am sure that I will read all of them again some day. It has been a long time since I saw the original Star Wars movies, and I don't remember how I felt about her performance in them. Books have always made more of impression on me than films, and her books have made a very strong impression. I am still saddened that she is no longer with us.

Shit Cannot Be Turned Into Gold

Bullshit does not stop being bullshit just because it is expressed with confidence and at a high volume. People who are full of shit do not wise just because they act cocky. Wearing a tie does not make one better who is temporarily in a difficult situation. Lately I have not felt safe at the homeless shelter where I am staying, because people there have been able to get away with bullying me. Someone there threatened to "make me disappear." I was told to relax. The person who communicated that threat has continued his bullying. He sometimes wears a tie, and he speaks loudly and with confidence. The staff at the shelter and in other places connected with the shelter are too easily impressed by people who spout bullshit as if it were wisdom even when these are people who threaten others with violence. I sometimes feel like I am back in elementary school. I am quiet, and I am often ignored by the staff or treated like I am less important than those who are loud. I am not going to sit back and tolerate. I will not let others tell me to just sit back and relax while those who threaten me are allowed to continue to threaten others. Confidence does not make idiots wise.

Never Put Off Telling Friends How Much They Mean to You

Recently I let my own timidity keep me from stopping to say hi to a new friend and let her know how much I enjoyed her company. I would not have interrupted work. She worked at a restaurant. Now it is too late. I don't know if I will be able to completely forgive myself for this failure on my own part. I broke my rule of saying positive things to loved ones when I have the chance. I did not consider the possibility that I would lose the chance to see her again. She died from an overdose.

"Wishful Drinking" by Carrie Fisher

There is only one problem with Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher: I wish the book were longer. That's not a serious problem. There are still more of her books that I can read or reread. This book was adapted from a one-woman show. I wish that I had been able to see the show. I find myself laughing out loud frequently when I read her writing. When writing about the father of her daughter she said, "When I met him, he had hair. Actually, I do that, too - I make them bald, I turn them gay, my work is done!" Too bad I couldn't have got her to use that magic on some men I know. Oh well, there would have been no guarantee that they would have been interested in me sexually. I have enjoyed her films that I have seen, but I love her writing. She had a wonderful sense of humor.

About some recently read books

I finished rereading The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas by Gertrude Stein yesterday. The timing was right, because February 3 is Gertrude Stein's birthday. This was her first book to be a bestseller. It is entertaining book, and it is interesting to read about her role in the early days of artists like Picasso and Matisse. She was very good at discerning which artists would make a lasting impression in the art world.

I read Collected Stories of Djuna Barnes recently. I had read some of herstories previously. It is easy to see her influence on the fiction of Anais Nin. It is sad that her writing is not better known today. She wrote in a very original style. The characters in her stories often had unusual names, but that adds to the unique character of her writing. The writing in her stories and other writings were written in a wide range of styles. I would recommend reading at least a few of her books.

I also read collections of lyrics of Lou Reed and Patti Smith: Collected Lyrics 1970-2015 by Patti Smith and Between Thought and Expression: Selected Lyric of Lou Reed. The fact that both of these singer/songwriters have backgrounds in poetry is easy to see. I have been a fan of both of them for quite a few years. I prefer hearing their recordings of their songs, but I also enjoy reading their lyrics.

"IMAGI E ME G NE" by Adam Haslett

The main theme of Imagine Me Gone by Adam Haslett is a family dealing with Mental Illness. It is well written, but there are some things that happen seem to be contrived. The characters are likable. One of the main characters is gay, but that is a side issue. I would be interested in reading the author's other books, a novel and a collection of short stories. I do like the way that the title appears on the front cover of the book. The novel starts out strongly, but it seems to get lost somewhere along the way. There are novels that deal with the same themes more strongly.

Philip Sparrow Tells All: Lost Essays by Samuel Steward

I first heard about Samuel Steward because of his friendship and correspondence with Gertrude Stein and Alice Toklas. I had read about the essays that he wrote for the Illinois Dental Journal long before they were collected in Philip Sparrow Tells All: Lost Essays by Samuel Steward. Before reading this book I had read his memoirs, Chapters from an Autobiography, the mysteries he wrote with Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas appearing as characters and some collections of his gay erotica that he wrote using the pseudonym Phil Andros. These essays are interesting but not his best writing. I would be interested in reading his older writings, especially his novel Angels on the Bough.  I would also be interested in his book on tattoos. I am not saying that there are problems with these essays. He did sneak some references to gay sadomasochism into these essays. He definitely lead an interesting life, and his sex life makes mine look boring.

"Uncommon Type: Some Stories" by Tom Hanks

I was a little surprised when I saw Uncommon Type: Some Stories by Tom Hanks. I was not too surprised, because it is not unusual for actors to write fiction. I was somewhat surprised by the quality of the writing. The stories are well written, but there is something missing. This may be due to changes made by the people at Penguin Random House whom Tom Hanks thanked for improving the stories and making them presentable. I wonder what they were like before the changes were made, There were elements that made the books suitable for a literature class but not for casual reading. I did enjoy the book, and I may have enjoyed them more if I had not read all of them together. Some of the stories did seem a bit too self conscious. His writing might be improved if he would loosen up a bit.

"Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs

I was reluctant to read Running with Scissors by Augesten Burroughs, because of the quote on the cover that said, "Reads like David Sedaris writing The Hotel New Hampshire. I am not fond of the writing of David Sedaris. I did enjoy much of Running with Scissors though. I can identify with parts of the book. The author had a sexual awakening at a young age, and I remember when I was that age I could have someone with whom I could have sexual fun. I had to wait until a later age though. There are parts of the books that I found a bit disturbing. I am glad that my upbringing was a bit uninteresting compared to his. I am not sure if I want to read the other books by the same author. There is a sequel, Dry. I might read it if I happen to find it somewhere, but I will not put much effort into finding it.

"Everybody's Autobiography" by Gertrude Stein and "What Is Remembered" by Alice B. Toklas

Everybody's Autobiography is the second volume of memoirs by Gertrude Stein. The first is The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. I do not agree with some things that she wrote about some writers and artists. Some of her statements seem to have been written more for effect than to express a real views.Her writing is entertaining though. I wonder if she really thought that she was the most important writer of her time as she stated in this book. This book centers around a lecture tour throughout the USA. It is interesting to read about things that are mostly forgotten today, like nut stores or what she called "ten cent stores." He wrote about something she referred to as a camel pen, a pen into which one put water in order to write with ink. She did not give details about how this happened, but there must have been some form of powder or concentrated ink in the pen. She would have been an interesting person to meet. Of course she did not speak in the same way that she wrote. Some people seemed to be surprised by this for some reason. She did know a lot of interesting authors and artists. I am going to reread The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas soon.

What Is Remembered is a book of memoirs by Alice B. Toklas. She and Gertrude Stein were together for about forty years. While Gertrude Stein was alive she seemed to stay mainly in the background typing Stein's manuscripts and later publishing her works that were refused by publishers. She was not without influence concerning who was allowed to remain close to them. She published this book and two cookbooks after Gertrude Stein's death. She was not happy at all with one of the cookbooks. A book of her letters to various people was published after her death. This book shows some of the influence of Gertrude Stein, but Alice Toklas wit and wonderful way with words shine through. In reading these two books it is interesting to see their views of the American lecture tour.

Both of these books are entertaining books, and I may reread both of them again sometime.

My old writings

I have mixed feelings about my old writings. I am happy with some of my old writings. I still find some of the same things funny, but my sense of humor has expanded. I hid my emotions too much in the old writings. Some of these pieces are too sterile. Some of the pieces that I like reveal how twisted I can be. I enjoy having a twisted sense of humor. I like it when friends laugh at things that I have written. I do not know what most other people think about my older writings' or any of my writing come to think of it, because it is hard for me to get me to let anyone to let me know. I have loosened up in writing and talking. I think that I come across less often as someone who has something stuck up my ass. I don't like for anything to be put in my ass.

"Kill My Mother: A Graphic Novel" by Jules Feiffer

I first became aware of Jules Feiffer when I read his play, Little Murders. It has been a long time since I read it, but I remember that I really enjoyed its dark humor. I have enjoyed everything that I have read by him. Most of my friends did not like his screenplay for the film Popeye, but I liked it. I saw a copy of this graphic novel, and I checked it out yesterday. It is full of interesting characters and plot twists. The art can easily be recognized as that of Jules Feiffer. His style of art and writing continue to excel.

"Postcards from the Edge" by Carrie Fisher

Postcards from the Edge, by Carrie Fisher, is one of my favorite novels. I first read it when it was published in 1987. I laugh out loud frequently when reading this book. (It is not easy to make me laugh out loud. I can relate more fully to the drug use now than I could when it was published though. Some of the passages could be describe me. The main character's therapist tells her, You're just excited because now you have another truth to entertain people with, part of your little honesty show, which exists to make people think you're not trying to stay as far away from them as you actually are." That's me sometimes. This novel is insightful and funny. There are not many books that are as successful at being both. All of Carrie Fisher's books that I have read are the same. I want to read the rest of her books and reread the ones that I have read. I was very saddened by her death, but I am glad that we have her books to read.

Memory

I wish we could decide which memories take up space in our memory. I would like to put time limits on some kinds of memories. It would be nice if my memories of mistakes would disappear after I dealt with them. It would also be helpful if I could remember the numbers I need and forget the ones that just take up space that could be used for something. I could also benefit from being better at remembering to eat food and drink water. Sometimes I forget to do things until it is too late or close to being too late. I need more space in my memory for that. Then I need to be able to forget those things until I need to do them again. It would also be nice to be able to forget appointments after they have been kept unless I have the same appointment again. I have been able to improve some areas of my memory, but some parts remain stubbornly lazy. Memory chips for our brains would be nice too, but I would probably misplace them....lol

"The Damnation Game" by Clive Barker

Clive Barker is one of my favorite writers. The Damnation Game was his first novel. It was published in 1985. It is a book that I found hard to put down. He has written some of the most frightening passages that I have ever read, in this book and other stories and novels. He is expert at combining the erotic with the horrifying. He is good at creating characters who are very likable as well as characters who are completely repulsive. There are characters who are a combination of the two. I am often surprised by plot developments. Fortunately there are still books that he has written that I have not read. I think that I would enjoy meeting him in person.

This is going to be good year

This is going to be a good year. I am learning some difficult lessons, but I will make it through these lessons. It is difficult for me to ask for anything. It is especially hard for me to ask for any kind of help. This is even true where social and government agencies are concerned. I am going to stop letting this stop me from getting the help that I need. I am still going to help others, but I am going to take better care of myself.

I am going to stop being so hard on myself. I beat myself up too often. For example. I have written before about how much I value friendship, and I would not want to do anything to hurt a friendship. I have a straight friend whose company I enjoy very much. At times I am attracted to him sexually. I would not act on this attraction, because I know that it would damage our friendship. I have been beating myself up today for having these thoughts. I just have to let thoughts go, and not dwell on feeling bad about them. We enjoy doing things for each other. He knows that I would do anything for him that he wants me to do. I am comfortable with his knowing this, because I know that he would not take advantage of me. We used to eat lunch together occasionally. I hope that we can do that again. It is much more fun to eat with someone who makes me smile. He has an awesome smile. I need to focus on what we can do together, and enjoy those things. I have enough friends with whom I can enjoy sexual activities.

I am focusing more on what I need to say here than I am on getting the grammar, paragraphing, etc. perfect. If you don't like that come give me a good spanking...😉I might enjoy that if the right people do it.