The Cause of My Suicidal Thoughts

I found out what may have contributed to my suicidal thoughts. The medication that I take to prevent my seizures also can cause depression and suicidal thoughts. Saying that a medication has "side effects" sugarcoats it. These "side effects" are part of what the medications do. Marijuana would probably be a healthier alternative to the mainstream anti-seizure medications. Big pharmaceutical companies don't like natural medications. They want people to use chemical medications as long as they are those from which they can make big profits. Healthcare costs too much in the U.S.A. Big pharmaceutical companies have too much power in this country. To get back to my original point. I now know what why I was feeling suicidal. Being homeless and not having money did not help, but they were not enough to cause these feelings.

Ich fand heraus, was zu meinen Selbstmordgedanken beigetragen haben könnte. Die Medikamente, die ich nehme, um meine Anfälle zu verhindern, können auch Depressionen und Selbstmordgedanken verursachen. Sagen, dass ein Medikament "Nebenwirkungen" Sugarcoats hat. Diese "Nebenwirkungen" sind ein Teil dessen, was die Medikamente tun. Marihuana wäre wahrscheinlich eine gesündere Alternative zu den gängigen Antiepileptika. Große Pharmaunternehmen mögen keine natürlichen Medikamente. Sie wollen, dass Menschen chemische Medikamente benutzen, solange sie diejenigen sind, von denen sie große Gewinne machen können. Das Gesundheitswesen kostet in den USA zu viel. Große Pharmakonzerne haben in diesem Land zu viel Macht. Um zu meinem ursprünglichen Punkt zurückzukehren. Ich weiß jetzt, warum ich mich selbstmordgefährdet gefühlt habe. Obdachlos zu sein und kein Geld zu haben, half nicht, aber sie waren nicht genug, um diese Gefühle zu verursachen.

Я узнал, что могло повлиять на мои мысли о самоубийстве. Лекарство, которое я принимаю, чтобы предотвратить мои приступы, также может вызвать депрессию и мысли о самоубийстве. Говоря, что у лекарств есть «побочные эффекты», сахарирует его. Эти «побочные эффекты» являются частью того, что делают лекарства. Марихуана, вероятно, была бы более здоровой альтернативой основным антиадгезивным препаратам. Крупным фармацевтическим компаниям не нравятся натуральные лекарства. Они хотят, чтобы люди использовали химические препараты, пока они являются теми, из которых они могут получать большую прибыль. Здравоохранение слишком дорого стоит в крупных фармацевтических компаниях США. В этой стране слишком много власти. Вернемся к исходному моменту. Теперь я знаю, почему я чувствовал себя самоубийцей. Быть бездомным и не иметь денег не помогло, но их было недостаточно, чтобы вызвать эти чувства.

I Received some Very Good News

I received some very good news this morning. My best friend is going to get out of jail very soon. I had tears of joy I received this news from his Mother. I had thought that he was going to be there at least six months, so this was a very nice surprise. I can't wait to see him. I do not know if we will find a place together or not, but I am very happy for him. Whether or not we live together I will be his loyal friend. He is the best friend that I have ever had. I am very happy that he will not have to live in fear of being arrested, because he now has these things behind him. I will do everything that I can for him. This news has put me in a very good mood.

"A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters" by Julian Barnes

A history of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters is a well written but ultimately unsatisfying book. Julian Barnes tried a bit too hard to be clever. The title of the novel gives this away. The only things that makes the half chapter different from the others is that it is more of an essay and it is not numbered. This novel reads like a book that the author hopes to be used in literature classes. The story deals with Noah's ark and other watery themes. This is a book that would appeal to academics who are fond of cleverness. Those of us who expect substance should look elsewhere.

A Prejudice I Have (Adult Content Included)

I am not sure when my distrust of the police started. I cannot remember a time when I thought that the police were people that I could trust. I grew up in a small town. I cannot recall any incident that caused me not to trust them. I just never thought that the police were there "to protect and to serve." This was before I had ever been arrested or harassed by police officers. I know that there are police officers who can be trusted, but if one approaches me and speaks to me my initial reaction is not positive. This is true even when I have not done anything illegal. This may be prejudice. It is not something that I can easily overcome. There are police officers who want to keep people safe. Whenever i see a police officer approaching me my first impulse is to run. I do not do this. I try to be civil, but I have difficulty doing this. I do fantasize about giving a police officer a blow job to keep from being arrested, but this will remain a fantasy. I do not know if I would really want to do it : although, it is true that I only give blow jobs to men who want to put their cocks in my mouth.

Я не уверен, когда мое недоверие к полиции началось. Я не могу вспомнить время, когда я думал, что полиция - это люди, которым я могу доверять. Я вырос в маленьком городке. Я не могу вспомнить ни одного случая, из-за которого я не доверял им. Я просто не думал, что полиция там «защищает и служит». Это было до того, как меня арестовали или преследовали сотрудники полиции. Я знаю, что есть полицейские, которым можно доверять, но если кто-то подходит ко мне и говорит со мной, моя первоначальная реакция не является положительной. Это верно, даже если я не сделал ничего незаконного. Это может быть предрассудком. Это не то, что я могу легко преодолеть. Есть полицейские, которые хотят держать людей в безопасности. Всякий раз, когда я вижу, как полицейский приближается ко мне, мой первый импульс - бежать. Я не делаю это. Я стараюсь быть гражданским, но мне трудно это делать. Я фантазирую о том, чтобы дать полицейскому минет, чтобы не быть арестованным, но это останется фантазией. Я не знаю, хочу ли я действительно это сделать: хотя, правда, я только даю ударные работы мужчинам, которые хотят положить их петухи в рот.

Nisem prepričan, kdaj se je začelo moje nezaupanje v policijo. Ne spomnim se časa, ko sem mislil, da so policija ljudje, ki jim lahko zaupam. Odrasel sem v majhnem mestu. Ne morem se spomniti nobenega incidenta, zaradi katerega nisem zaupal. Nikoli nisem mislil, da je policija tam "zaščititi in služiti". To je bilo preden so me policisti policijo že aretirali ali nadlegovali. Vem, da obstaja policist, ki mu lahko zaupate, če pa se mi približuje in govori, moj začetni odziv ni pozitiven. To velja tudi, če nisem naredil ničesar nezakonitega. To je lahko škodljivo. To ni nekaj, kar lahko zlahka premagam. Obstajajo policisti, ki želijo varovati ljudi. Kadarkoli vidim policajca, ki se mi približuje, je moj prvi impulz tekel. Ne delam tega. Poskušam biti civilen, vendar imam težave s tem. Fantazijo o tem, da bi policistu dalo udarec, da ne bi bil aretiran, vendar bo to ostalo fantazija. Ne vem, če bi resnično želel to storiti: čeprav je res, da sem samo dala blow blow delovnih mest za moške, ki želijo dati svoje pipe v mojih ustih.

ie som si istý, kedy začala moja nedôvera voči polícii. Nepamätám si čas, keď som si myslela, že polícia sú ľudia, ktorým môžem dôverovať. Vyrastal som v malom meste. Nemôžem spomenúť na žiadnu udalosť, ktorá ma spôsobila, že im nedôverujem. Nikdy som si nemyslela, že tam bola polícia "chrániť a slúžiť." Toto bolo predtým, ako som bol niekedy zatknutý alebo obťažovaný policajnými dôstojníkmi. Viem, že existujú policajní dôstojníci, ktorým sa dá dôverovať, ale ak sa k mne priblíži a hovorí mi, moje počiatočné reakcie nie sú pozitívne. To platí aj vtedy, keď som neurobil nič ilegálne. To môže byť predsudok. Nie je to niečo, čo môžem ľahko prekonať. Existujú policajti, ktorí chcú udržať ľudí v bezpečí. Kedykoľvek sa uvidím, že sa k mne priblížil policajný dôstojník, môj prvý impulz je spustiť. Nerobím to. Snažím sa byť civilná, ale mám problémy s tým. Mám fantázie o tom, že dám policajtovi útočisko, aby nebolo zatknuté, ale to zostane fantáziou. Neviem, či by som to naozaj chcel urobiť: aj keď je pravda, že dám len ranné práce mužom, ktorí chcú dať svoje kohúty do úst.

Ich bin mir nicht sicher, wann mein Misstrauen gegenüber der Polizei begann. Ich kann mich an keine Zeit erinnern, in der ich dachte, dass die Polizei Leute waren, denen ich vertrauen konnte. Ich bin in einer kleinen Stadt aufgewachsen. Ich kann mich an keinen Vorfall erinnern, der mich dazu brachte, ihnen nicht zu trauen. Ich habe einfach nie gedacht, dass die Polizei da ist, um "zu schützen und zu dienen". Das war, bevor ich jemals von Polizisten verhaftet oder belästigt wurde. Ich weiß, dass es Polizeibeamte gibt, denen man vertrauen kann, aber wenn man auf mich zugeht und mit mir spricht, ist meine erste Reaktion nicht positiv. Dies gilt auch dann, wenn ich nichts Illegales getan habe. Das kann ein Vorurteil sein. Es ist nicht etwas, das ich leicht überwinden kann. Es gibt Polizisten, die die Menschen beschützen wollen. Immer wenn ich einen Polizisten sehe, der sich mir nähert, ist mein erster Impuls, zu rennen. Ich mache das nicht. Ich versuche, höflich zu sein, aber ich habe Schwierigkeiten, das zu tun. Ich träume davon, einem Polizisten einen Blowjob zu verpassen, um nicht verhaftet zu werden, aber das wird eine Fantasie bleiben. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich es wirklich tun möchte: obwohl es wahr ist, dass ich nur Männern Blowjobs gebe, die ihre Schwänze in meinen Mund stecken wollen.

"Nine Inches" by Tom Perrotta

Nine Inches is an excellent collection of short stories by Tom Perrotta. The stories are well written. The stories are well written. Even though I cannot completely identify with the characters, I can identify with them. These are people with whom I could easily hold a conversation.The situations in some of the stories are similar to things that have taken place in my own life. The high school students depicted in these stories have some similarity to my memories of high school. The humor in the stories is understated. This is my favorite kind of humor. This is a book that I would recommend.

My Least Favorite Time of the Year (Мое наименее любимое время года)

This is my least favorite time of the year. There is a lot of focus put on getting together with family. I rarely hear from my family. I have to take some responsibility for this lack of communication. I do not reach out to them. Honestly I have felt like an alien in my own family. It seems like my sisters and I have completely different memories of our childhoods. our tastes are definitely different. If you  heard us talking you would think that we were from different parts of the country. It is not a question of good and bad. It is just a question of being different. This is the season of giving. At Christmas and on birthdays we are expected to give gifts. Usually I do not have money at this time of the year. I would prefer giving gifts at any time of year. I give things to people, because it is a way of showing love. I do not want to give gifts from a sense of obligation due to a date on a calendar. When I was growing up I always felt a lot of tension. I am not sure why, but I do remember that it was never a time of joy. I would like to be able to show my love to my friends throughout the year. I have some great friends. I am thankful for these friends all year, not just at Thanksgiving. People usually eat a lot on Thanksgiving, A holiday in the USA. I usually do not eat anything on that day. Maybe I will eat something this year.


Это мое наименее любимое время года. Существует много акцента на том, чтобы собраться вместе с семьей. Я редко слышу от своей семьи. Я должен взять на себя определенную ответственность за такое отсутствие связи. Я не обращаюсь к ним. Честно говоря, я чувствовал себя как инопланетянин в своей семье. Кажется, мои сестры и я совершенно разные воспоминания о детстве. наши вкусы совершенно разные. Если бы вы услышали, как мы разговариваем, вы бы подумали, что мы из разных уголков страны. Это не вопрос добра и зла. Это просто вопрос того, как быть другим. Это сезон отдачи. На Рождество и в дни рождения мы должны давать подарки. Обычно у меня нет денег в это время года. Я бы предпочел давать подарки в любое время года. Я даю вещи людям, потому что это способ показать любовь. Я не хочу давать подарки из чувства долга из-за даты в календаре. Когда я рос, я всегда испытывал сильное напряжение. Я не знаю, почему, но я помню, что это было не время радости. Я хотел бы показать свою любовь своим друзьям в течение всего года. У меня есть отличные друзья. Я благодарен этим друзьям в течение всего года, а не только на День благодарения. Люди обычно едят много на День благодарения, праздник в США. Обычно я ничего не ем в этот день. Может быть, я буду есть что-то в этом году.


Das ist meine am wenigsten geliebte Zeit des Jahres. Es wird viel Wert darauf gelegt, mit der Familie zusammenzukommen. Ich höre selten von meiner Familie. Ich muss Verantwortung für diesen Mangel an Kommunikation übernehmen. Ich greife sie nicht an. Ehrlich gesagt habe ich mich in meiner eigenen Familie wie ein Alien gefühlt. Es scheint, als hätten meine Schwestern und ich ganz andere Erinnerungen an unsere Kindheit. Unser Geschmack ist definitiv anders. Wenn Sie uns reden hören, würden Sie denken, dass wir aus verschiedenen Teilen des Landes stammen. Es geht nicht um Gut und Böse. Es ist nur eine Frage des Andersseins. Das ist die Zeit des Gebens. Zu Weihnachten und an Geburtstagen werden Geschenke erwartet. Normalerweise habe ich zu dieser Jahreszeit kein Geld. Ich würde es vorziehen, Geschenke zu jeder Zeit des Jahres zu geben. Ich gebe den Menschen Dinge, weil es eine Art ist, Liebe zu zeigen. Ich möchte keine Geschenke aus einem Gefühl der Verpflichtung aufgrund eines Termins in einem Kalender geben. Als ich aufwuchs, verspürte ich immer eine große Anspannung. Ich bin mir nicht sicher warum, aber ich erinnere mich, dass es nie eine Zeit der Freude war. Ich möchte meinen Freunden das ganze Jahr über meine Liebe zeigen. Ich habe ein paar gute Freunde. Ich bin dankbar für diese Freunde das ganze Jahr, nicht nur bei Thanksgiving. Die Leute essen normalerweise viel auf Thanksgiving, einem Urlaub in den USA. Ich esse normalerweise an diesem Tag nichts. Vielleicht werde ich dieses Jahr etwas essen.

14:43 Post

The other I day I had a conversation about books on which movies had been based. That night I dreamt that I was watching a film in French while reading the book. The film, which was on several DVD's, followed the book exactly. The dialogue was exactly the same as that in the book. Dreaming in other languages makes me feel good. This is especially true when it is a language that I know and love.

On Facebook I have made albums of photographs that I took with a cell-phone camera. I have been uncertain of what kind or reaction I would receive concerning these photos. I decided to stop worrying about what other people think and just express myself this way. Nothing x-rated, but I have posted photographs of places where I have given blow jobs.

"Bad Monkey" by Carl Hiasen

I had read one of Carl Hiaasen's books quite a few years ago. I do not remember which book, but I remember that I had enjoyed it. I read the description of his novel Bad Monkey on the dust jacket of the book, and I thought that it would be an entertaning book.The book's main character seemed likable. I laughed several times while reading the first chapter. I began to lose interest as I continued to read. I believe in simplicity of vocabulary. Mr. Hiaasen chose to use words that did not seem to fit the tone of the book in general. It was with difficulty that I made it halfway through the novel. I would like to know how some of the plot lines were resolved, but I am not enough of a masochist to read the rest of the book. I am returning it to the library from which I borrowed it.

More Views from a Professional Asshole (redacted)

There are performers whose popularity I cannot understand. I am completely baffled by the popularity of Michael Jackson. I can only think of one of his songs that I can tolerate, "Man in the Mirror." To me his voice is annoying. He was a mediocre dancer. The moonwalk was not very original, nor was it difficult to do. Yes, his music continues to make a lot of money. There are other singers who display much more talent. Prince, Hank Williams III, Nina Hagen, Patti Smith Laurie Anderson, and Jean Beauvoir are people who come to mind. I cannot understand the acclaim that Jimi Hendrix has received. I could not play the guitar like he did, but I would not want to do that. Tom Morello is a much better guitarist. To me his playing is a form of torture. I definitely cannot understand the popularity of The Beatles or The Rolling Stones. Yes, both groups recorded a few songs that I enjoyed, but to me they have been over-rated. I much prefer The Velvet Underground or The Doors. I can never understand the popularity of Janis Joplin. I do not find anything about her singing appealing. Another band whose music I continue to loathe is The Eagles. I had forgotten about them until a few years ago. I heard some of their songs, and I had forgotten who had recorded them. I remember thinking, "What is this awful shit?" I had forgotten how much I disliked their music.

Adult Content About Protein and a Certain Beverage

I really need a cock in my mouth filling me with fresh protein and beverage. I wish it was warmer outside so that a certain friend and I could find a secluded spot outside and play. I would not mind if he just undid his zipper and let me take his dick in my mouth and give him pleasure. I would be getting pleasure from it at the same time. I wouldn't have to worry about getting cold, because my mouth would be all that would be necessary for his pleasure. It is not important for me to cum. I get more pleasure from giving pleasure than from receiving it. Maybe we will be able to play before long.

"Rogue Lawyer" by John Grisham

I read the first thee of John Grisham's books, A Time to Kill, The Firm, and The Pelican Brief. I don't remember if I read any of his fourth book. I enjoyed the first two, but I got tired of his writing while reading the third. It seemed like his writing was becoming too formulaic. I got Rogue Lawyer for a friend, but after reading the description on the cover I thought I would give it a try. The main character, Sebastian Rudd, seemed like an interesting character. He is a lawyer whose office is a bullet-proof van. I enjoyed the beginning of the book, but I found things annoying. Much of the book deals with life on the street. It seems that Mr. Grisham has little knowledge of this. His condescending treatment of addicts and others who struggle on the street irritated me. It was with difficulty that I finished this book. I was very disappointed with the book's ending. I do not know if any of his other books are better, but I do not plan on wasting time trying to find out. I am glad that I did not have to pay the full cover price for this time waster.

More About Men to Whom I Am Attracted and Some Fetishes that Need to Remain Twisted Fantasies (Although I did act on one)

I am attracted to men who are muscular, but this is true only if they have some visible body fat. I am not attracted to men who are completely ripped without any visible body fat. This does not mean that I am not attracted to men who are not muscular. I am especially attracted to men who have some muscular definition, some body fat and multiple tattoos. I am also attracted to men with moderate amounts of body piercings. I like the look of Prince Alberts, but I do not like the taste.

I don't know if I have mentioned either of these fetishes before. One I should not practice again, and the other should remain a twisted fantasy. I am turned on by the idea of sharing a needle with a guy to whom I am sexually attracted. I did this a couple of times. I know that this was a stupid thing to do, and I definitely do not plan on doing it again. I continue to test negative for hiv and hep c, and I want to keep it that way. The other fetish is related to that. I have not acted on this one, and I do not plan on doing so. I discovered this fetish when a friend had shot up, and there was blood on his arm. I was tempted to lick the blood off of his arm. He fits the description at the end of the first paragraph. He has muscular definition, some body fat, tattoos, and body piercings. He also has a great personality; unfortunately; he is straight. I had to leave the room in order the temptation that I mentioned. I have a vivid imagination, but I have self control.

It Looks Like Things Are Going to Get Better

I have had a better day today.

My orientation for my new job will be taking place on the 27th day of this month. It is a fast-food job, but at least I will have a job. I will be making $8.00 per hour. I will be paid every two weeks.

I saw one of my best friends today. I had been worried about him. He had been in jail then the hospital. My best friends have spent time in jail. I would prefer being around these people than hypocrites who claim not to judge me while looking down their noses at me. So I have had contact with three out of four of my best friends today.

I might have found a place to live when I start making money. It will be with a couple of guys I know vaguely.They are panhandlers. They might be a couple. I don't know. One of them is sexy with silver hair. I know that I would love to have fun with him.

I still don't know how I am going to get my things out of my old place. I am still working on that.

Struggling with Depression

I have been struggling with depression for awhile now. I know that things are going to get better, but it has been difficult lately. It seems that the people whom I have known the longest are the people whom I cannot trust. There is a friend whom I have known for twenty-four years who is one of those people. I have kept his secrets for a long time, and I will continue to keep them. I found out that things he has told others about things that I told him in the hope that our conversation would remain private. It has become more and more difficult to have any kind of contact with him. He always says that he will call me, but he never calls me. It seems like the people whom I can trust most are my friends who are on the fringes of society. These are people who are often treated as outcasts by society, drug users, shop lifters, hustlers, alcoholics and other homeless people. My best friends now are people whom I met on the street or in the homeless shelter. The church that I have attended is letting me keep my belongings in the attic of the church building until I can get a storage unit or an apartment. I appreciate this very much, but I think that I will have to leave that church after I retrieve these things. I have not felt very welcome there. At times when I attended the congregation was encouraged to reach out to some specific people who were not present. We were encouraged to let them know that they were missed. When I am not there are no attempts by anyone from the church to reach me. I was told that it was because my phone is often out of service. They use this an an excuse. They do not even try to call my phone to see if it is in service. There are people there who are friends on Facebook, and they know how to contact me there. They have not done so. I believe that it is time for me to move on.

Last week a friend whom I had not seen in several months died of a heroin overdose. I found out about his death the next day. The night after he died I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. Fortunately I did not have many pills at home. I also considered those close to me who would be affected by my death. I also the knowledge that others would have to do something with my corpse.

I know that I will survive. I am not giving up. I will continue to reach out to my friends. I will not always be alone.

An Extremely Short Post with Brief Adult Content.

I haven't had computer access for quite awhile. I will try to write more soon. Things have been up and down. One friend is in jail. Another friend was arrested today. I am in a homeless shelter now. There are good things too. I know that I have friends who really love. I got to suck some dick today. No cum though, but I hope to get some soon.