Being Kinder to Myself

I am being kinder to myself. That is a big step for me. I have spent too much time beating myself up emotionally. I spend a lot less time doing that. I still put taking care of friends before taking care of myself. I am working on that. I still have the fear of getting fat. I need to work on that. I want to stay heathy through eating right and getting exercise, but I need to worry less about my weight. Whenever I get over 140 pounds I start to panic. That is not healthy. I still forget to eat some meals. I need to spend less time coming up with excuses not to eat. I need to work on getting a home and getting a new pair of glasses. I need to get started on getting disability income. It has not been easy admitting that I have mental illnesses, severe depression and probably autism. Mental illnesses are not something evil, they are diseases. I still have areas where I need to work, but I feel good about the progress that I have made.

Giving Gifts

One difference that an ex and I had concerned holidays and giving gifts. At holidays he seemed  concerned with giving gifts according to the calendar more than gifts according to the feelings of the heart. I may give gifts on holidays, but I do not want to give gifts out of a feeling of obligation. I like to be able to gifts out of love. Really, I would prefer to ignore gift giving on holidays. I might give gifts on birthdays. I enjoy giving gifts when it is spontaneous. I love to give people things without expecting anything in return. When I was in school I was told by a friend that I should stop buying things for friends, because it made them feel obligated to buy me something. I never could understand that. This is just part of who I am. I am still a twisted old pervert. This is just another facet of my personality.

"The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss" by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt

The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss, by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt is a wonderful book. I highly recommend it. I find myself leaning more towards Gloria Vanderbilt's views on life, but I almost always agree to the views of both of them. At times I found myself moved to tears. I was especially moved by the parts where spoke of the deaths of Wyatt Cooper, her husband and his father, and the suicide of Carter Cooper, her son and his brother. She is an amazing woman, and he is a great journalist. I can identify with the low self esteem of her younger days. There are many things in the book with which I can identify. I found it hard to set aside as I do with her other books. I think everybody can gain something from reading this book.

"Obsession: An Erotic Tale" by Gloria Vanderbilt

Gloria Vanderbilt is another author whose books are among the books I am reading or rereading. I started reading her books with her books of memoirs. She has always written exquisitely. I find her books hard to set aside even for a short time. Obsession: An Erotic Tale  is a wonderfully written book. I could have easily read it in one sitting if could stay in place long enough to do so. I found it difficult to put it down and go to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was happy to continue reading it. If I were heterosexual I probably would have started pleasuring myself as I read some passages, I have one other of her novels waiting for me to reread. I hope to continuing to read or reread others.

"Delusions of Grandma" by Carrie Fisher

I like Carrie Fisher's acting, but it is her writing that I love. I just finished reading Delusions of Granny. It is uncanny that there have been many times when something in the book that I am reading reflects something that I had just thought about myself or my life. I related to her books before, but I relate more to them now since I can relate more to addiction. She was able to write funny and thoughtful books. I have almost finished reading all of her books, and I am sure that I will read all of them again some day. It has been a long time since I saw the original Star Wars movies, and I don't remember how I felt about her performance in them. Books have always made more of impression on me than films, and her books have made a very strong impression. I am still saddened that she is no longer with us.

Shit Cannot Be Turned Into Gold

Bullshit does not stop being bullshit just because it is expressed with confidence and at a high volume. People who are full of shit do not wise just because they act cocky. Wearing a tie does not make one better who is temporarily in a difficult situation. Lately I have not felt safe at the homeless shelter where I am staying, because people there have been able to get away with bullying me. Someone there threatened to "make me disappear." I was told to relax. The person who communicated that threat has continued his bullying. He sometimes wears a tie, and he speaks loudly and with confidence. The staff at the shelter and in other places connected with the shelter are too easily impressed by people who spout bullshit as if it were wisdom even when these are people who threaten others with violence. I sometimes feel like I am back in elementary school. I am quiet, and I am often ignored by the staff or treated like I am less important than those who are loud. I am not going to sit back and tolerate. I will not let others tell me to just sit back and relax while those who threaten me are allowed to continue to threaten others. Confidence does not make idiots wise.

Never Put Off Telling Friends How Much They Mean to You

Recently I let my own timidity keep me from stopping to say hi to a new friend and let her know how much I enjoyed her company. I would not have interrupted work. She worked at a restaurant. Now it is too late. I don't know if I will be able to completely forgive myself for this failure on my own part. I broke my rule of saying positive things to loved ones when I have the chance. I did not consider the possibility that I would lose the chance to see her again. She died from an overdose.