Addiction Part Two (Adult Content)

I did not realize until recently that I have been addicted to needles for a long time. For a long time I have enjoyed seeing a needle going into the vein in my arm and seeing my blood flow into a tube. I like the feel of a needle going into my vein. When I see friends shooting up I am tempted to lick the blood off of their arm. I do not give into that temptation, but it is there. Shooting up with a stimulant is even better. I have not learned how to give myself a shot. I am afraid that I would do too much. I do enjoy having a friend give me a shot of meth or crack. It is almost as good as having him put his cock in my mouth. The best would be for him to shoot me up in the arm then to fuck my face. I wish I could get a shot of meth now.

Addiction

For years I had premonitions that one day I would become an addict. I avoided this. I was afraid of becoming an addict. According to these premonitions there is a reason for which I would become an addict. I do not know if I would be considered an addict. I have been self medicating. I have tried cocaine a couple of times, but it did not do anything for me. I felt like I had not done anything. I have tried heroin twice. The first time my heart started beating intensely. Then it seemed like I was watching a slow motion film in reverse where I saw each frame of film. After that I felt like I was going to regurgitate. Eventually I felt like I was going to pass out. It was not a pleasant experience at all. The second time I tried it I was completely wired. I felt good, but there are drugs that make me feel better and are less dangerous. I need to be careful not to try heroin again. I need something to stop my depression. Addiction still scares me somewhat. I don't want to die from an overdose, but I am not ready to stop using.

A Clash of Kings: Book Two of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin

I just finished reading A Clash of Kings the second book of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I am still enjoying the books, but I think that the books could have been broken down into shorter volumes. I still want to see how the plot and characters develop. I have favorite characters, and there are characters who are meant to be despised. Fortunately the plot is not predictable. The characters are multi faceted. I am going to read  The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx before I read A Storm of Swords, the third book of A Song of Ice and Fire.

"Dancing Naked in the Mind Field" by Kary Mullis

As I mentioned before, I did not know that I had a cousin named Kary before he won the Nobel Prize in 1993. Looking at his photo I can tell that he is part of my mother's family. He resembles my uncles and cousins on that side of the family. I believe that this book helped my mother accept my sexual orientation. I think that she might have thought , "At least he's not like his cousin Kary. In the book he wrote about using LSD and other drugs. At that time I had only used marijuana. (She was upset when she learned that I had tried it.) Also in the book he wrote about controversial views concerning HIV and AIDS and also global warming. He does back up his views scientifically. I do not know if his views concerning global warming have remained unchanged. Also he wrote about a possible encounter with an extraterrestrial. The book contains amusing anecdotes. There are interesting scientific sections too. This book makes me feel less alone in my family. There are other eccentrics in the family, but I do not know if any others have experimented with drugs. The book was published in 1998.

A Little Family History

I may have written about some of these things previously, but I'm not sure.

When I was growing up the only occasions on which my father ate with the rest of the families was on holidays. During the other meals he would sit on the side of my parents' bed. He would be wearing white boxers. My mother would take his food to him. Sometimes she would cook steaks for him. No one else ever ate steak. Later my mother bought me some white boxers for Christmas, because that was what my father had worn. At the time I never wore boxers, and I told her that. She insisted on giving them to me. She seemed to want to make me more like my father. This was especially, because he had beat her when I was young. I do not remember him beating her, but one of my sisters told me that she remembered that he gave her bruises.

I do not know how many cousins I have. I did not anything at all of the existence of one of my cousins until he won the Nobel Prize. I learned that his father had divorced his mother and married her sister. The rest of the family was not fond of his mother. I did not know anything else until I read his autobiography, Dancing Naked in the Mind Field. (I love that title, I will write more about that book after I finish rereading it.) As far as I know I do not have any female first cousins. I have three sisters but no brothers. I do not know if any of my cousins have died. I may have a couple of aunts who are still living. I have not seen some family members in more than thirty years. I know that my mother's brothers and sisters treated her as if she was not intelligent. This should not have happened. She was highly intelligent. She read a lot, and she learned a lot from what she read. She would say that she was not intelligent, but I would always let her know that I thought that she was.

I have been told that one of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence, but I am not sure if this is true. An aunt put together a history of the family, but he is not mentioned in this history. It is said that his daughter married into my family, but I have seen no proof of this. I remain skeptical about this. This is the history of my father's family. The previous paragraph is about my mother's family. I don't know much about her ancestry. There have been and are eccentrics on both sides of my family.

"Eight Seconds" by Jean Ferris

Eight Seconds is a novel written by Jean Ferris. The Movie "8 Seconds" was not based on this novel. The novel is narrated an eighteen year old guy who has been raised on a ranch. He goes to a rodeo camp where he starts riding bulls. While there he makes a couple of new friends. He learns that one of these friends is gay. Even before he learns that his friend is gay there are hints that he is attracted to him. At the beginning of the novel he has a girlfriend, but he is not interested in a long-term relationship with her. By the end of the book he talks about having fallen in love for the first time, but there are issues that are left unresolved. This book would be a good one to be read by people of any age who are questioning their own sexuality. It is easily read. I finished it less than a day.

More on Aleister Crowley

I had read that Aleister Crowley was bisexual. That is evident in The Book of Lies. There is a lot of phallic imagery. There are many references to a woman , Laylah. I am not sure if they were in a relationship, but it seems like they may have been. Some people claim that Crowley was a Satanist, but that is not true. Much of The Book of Lies deals with  the Tarot. I am not interested in getting involved in that. Mostly I want to find his Diary of a Drug Fiend.

Must Be The Holy Ghost - Jared Draughon

I read an article about Must Be The Holy Ghost, a musical project of a local musician, Jared Draughon. His music is mostly instrumental. Mostly he plays electric guitar and uses digital technology. I did not have high expectations based on what the article said, but I am very impressed with his music. If I get a chance to see him perform live I will go to see him. He reminds me of This Is Kevin, a Slovak musician. I do not want to categorize his music. YouTube is a good place to get introduced to his music.

The Book of Lies Which Is Falsely Called Breaks The Wanderings or Falsifications of the One Thought of Frater Perdurabo (Aleister Crowley) Which Is Itself Untrue

I do not really know much about Aleister Crowley, but I have been somewhat intrigued by him. The Book of Lies is the first of his writings that I have read. I was not able to understand parts of the book, especially the parts in Greek. I may spend more time reading it later. It was originally printed in 1913. It was revised in 1952 with commentaries. The commentaries are somewhat helpful. I would like to read his Diary of a Drug Fiend.  As is true with many people who are not understood there are untruths that have been said about him. I will write more at another time.

A Post that Was Difficult to Write

As open as I try to be there are still things that I hide from even my closest friends. I do not talk about them about my questions concerning faith. I keep my lack of emotional reaction to some devastating events hidden. I know that I need to deal with some things. It scares me sometimes how cold my heart can be. I am afraid of falling in love with my closest friends, but at the same I can feel completely indifferent towards other people. I rarely have any contact with my family. I do not make any effort to communicate with them. Part of that is because they do not accept me as I am. I don't know how I would react if there was a death in my family. I feel completely detached from them. I don't know how many cousins I have who are still living. Actually I have never known how many cousins I have had. As you can see I need to work on some issues.

"A Game of Thrones:" Book One of "'A Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R. Martin

This morning I finished reading A Game of Thrones: Book One of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin. I look forward to reading the other books in the series. (I have heard of George R.R. Martin for quite a few years, but I have not read any of his books. There is no particular reason for which I have not read any of his books other than not being able to read the books of every author. One of my closest friends told me to read the series, and everybody who reads this blog regularly knows that I enjoy being obedient to a select few.Sex is not necessary for me to enjoy being obedient to these men.) This book has engaging story lines. The characters are intriguing. Some of the characters are very likable, and some are despicable. One cares about what happens to the characters, and the reader wants to know how situations are resolved. At no point during the reading of this book was I bored. I may read other books between the volumes of the series, but I plan on reading all of the books.

"The Long Road out of Hell" by Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss

On the cover of The Long Road out of Hell it says that the book was written by Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss. I wonder how much was written by Marilyn Manson and how much was written by Neil Strauss. It is an entertaining book. It did not take me long to finish it. In ways I can relate with Marilyn Manson, but I don't think that I could take the self mutilation as far as he has. I do not know if I would want to attend a Marilyn Manson concert. I can understand him more after reading about his father and grandfather. I enjoy listening to his music, but I am not sure if I would want to meet him in person. He appears to be a well-read person. I definitely do not find him sexually attractive. I do not know how much he has changed since this book was published in 1999, but I am more interested in his music than I am his personality.