Struggling with Depression

I have been struggling with depression for awhile now. I know that things are going to get better, but it has been difficult lately. It seems that the people whom I have known the longest are the people whom I cannot trust. There is a friend whom I have known for twenty-four years who is one of those people. I have kept his secrets for a long time, and I will continue to keep them. I found out that things he has told others about things that I told him in the hope that our conversation would remain private. It has become more and more difficult to have any kind of contact with him. He always says that he will call me, but he never calls me. It seems like the people whom I can trust most are my friends who are on the fringes of society. These are people who are often treated as outcasts by society, drug users, shop lifters, hustlers, alcoholics and other homeless people. My best friends now are people whom I met on the street or in the homeless shelter. The church that I have attended is letting me keep my belongings in the attic of the church building until I can get a storage unit or an apartment. I appreciate this very much, but I think that I will have to leave that church after I retrieve these things. I have not felt very welcome there. At times when I attended the congregation was encouraged to reach out to some specific people who were not present. We were encouraged to let them know that they were missed. When I am not there are no attempts by anyone from the church to reach me. I was told that it was because my phone is often out of service. They use this an an excuse. They do not even try to call my phone to see if it is in service. There are people there who are friends on Facebook, and they know how to contact me there. They have not done so. I believe that it is time for me to move on.

Last week a friend whom I had not seen in several months died of a heroin overdose. I found out about his death the next day. The night after he died I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. Fortunately I did not have many pills at home. I also considered those close to me who would be affected by my death. I also the knowledge that others would have to do something with my corpse.

I know that I will survive. I am not giving up. I will continue to reach out to my friends. I will not always be alone.